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Teen must "hate" you to be a good parent

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:15 AM
  • 85 Replies
1 mom liked this

I saw this comment somewhere else and I have heard it before and it has never made sense to me.

"If your teen does not hate you, you are not a good parent. They do not need you as a friend".


My girls (so far) have never said or acted like they hated me.  They both still hug and kiss us both good night.  If they are mad, we talk about it.

My almost 16 year old seemed frustrated lately and when we talked, she told me I need to let her do more things.  We talked, figured it out and are both okay with some changes now.  It wasn't a crying, yelling, I hate you conversation.


Any thoughts on that statement?

  No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them. By Elie Wiesel

by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
btamilee
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:22 AM
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Nahhh...I don't think they need to hate us, but I do believe.....they can be really pissed off!  I know that both my daughters have been upset with me, but....I would like to believe that there was never a time when they *hated* me. 

Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:23 AM
1 mom liked this

This is how I feel. I have talked ot women though who almost make it a "badge of honor" that their teens hate them.

Quoting btamilee:

Nahhh...I don't think they need to hate us, but I do believe.....they can be really pissed off!  I know that both my daughters have been upset with me, but....I would like to believe that there was never a time when they *hated* me. 


VooDooB
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this

There's all kinds of parenting advice and statements out there that I don't agree with. I may roll my eyes but I don't sanctimommy over it and compare my snowflake to others. I move on raising my kid as I see fit.

Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:27 AM

Hmmm....you do know this is Cafe**mom** and people debate and discuss kids al the time? I can guarentee you neither of my kids are snowflakes. I took this topic from another board because I found it an interesting parenting topic.

Quoting VooDooB:

There's all kinds of parenting advice and statements out there that I don't agree with. I may roll my eyes but I don't sanctimommy over it and compare my snowflake to others. I move on raising my kid as I see fit.


VooDooB
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:31 AM

I didn't mean to insinuate that your kids are snowflakes. Sorry it came off that way.

Yes I do realize this is Cafemom. I don't go to parenting boards. I hang out mostly in this one and a couple others that have nothing to do with mommy war nonsense. 

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

Hmmm....you do know this is Cafe**mom** and people debate and discuss kids al the time? I can guarentee you neither of my kids are snowflakes. I took this topic from another board because I found it an interesting parenting topic.

Quoting VooDooB:

There's all kinds of parenting advice and statements out there that I don't agree with. I may roll my eyes but I don't sanctimommy over it and compare my snowflake to others. I move on raising my kid as I see fit.



Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm sick of the Obama and race posts right now.


ETA: It's okay.

Quoting VooDooB:

I didn't mean to insinuate that your kids are snowflakes. Sorry it came off that way.

Yes I do realize this is Cafemom. I don't go to parenting boards. I hang out mostly in this one and a couple others that have nothing to do with mommy war nonsense. 

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

Hmmm....you do know this is Cafe**mom** and people debate and discuss kids al the time? I can guarentee you neither of my kids are snowflakes. I took this topic from another board because I found it an interesting parenting topic.

Quoting VooDooB:

There's all kinds of parenting advice and statements out there that I don't agree with. I may roll my eyes but I don't sanctimommy over it and compare my snowflake to others. I move on raising my kid as I see fit.




PPCLC
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:37 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't believe when a teen says they "hate" their parents, they sincerely do. I think they're angry at the time, and saying something like that is a means of paying back the parent that has pissed them off. 

I do feel that too many parents want to be their child's friend versus a parent, and have spoken with my own kid's about it (they're 27, 20, and 16). They all three have said they think the parent who does this doesn't realize how much their child disrespects them. That they DO want the parent to behave as a parent and not as one of their buddies.

However, a child does not need to say "I hate you" in order for the parent to be awarded the good seal of parenting, either.

I've heard this saying before, as well, and have wondered exactly what it was supposed to mean.

momtoscott
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:38 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't think a teen reacting to a firm limit with the occasional "I hate you" is actually hating the parent.  Parents should be sure enough of themselves not to cave in to emotional blackmail. 

In the case of a teen who truly hates a parent, there is something deeply wrong in the family dynamic.  

VooDooB
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:41 AM

Good call.

Sorry, my kid is only 3 so I'm still fresh full of irritation over "you should rear-face until 5, if you don't cp-sleep you're selfish, if you don't cloth diaper you're lazy and hate the earth, I can't believe you fed your baby poision formla omg call CPS".

I'm sure when he's a bit older and a teen, I'll for sure end up back on parenting advice boards. ;)

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

I'm sick of the Obama and race posts right now.


ETA: It's okay.

Quoting VooDooB:

I didn't mean to insinuate that your kids are snowflakes. Sorry it came off that way.

Yes I do realize this is Cafemom. I don't go to parenting boards. I hang out mostly in this one and a couple others that have nothing to do with mommy war nonsense. 

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

Hmmm....you do know this is Cafe**mom** and people debate and discuss kids al the time? I can guarentee you neither of my kids are snowflakes. I took this topic from another board because I found it an interesting parenting topic.

Quoting VooDooB:

There's all kinds of parenting advice and statements out there that I don't agree with. I may roll my eyes but I don't sanctimommy over it and compare my snowflake to others. I move on raising my kid as I see fit.





Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:42 AM
2 moms liked this

See, I do not see anything wrong with a teenager thinking I am their "friend". My oldest says it to me all the time. GOod, let her think it. I obviously do not tell her everything.  However, she will tell me I am her true friend. I asked her what it meant. She said "It means you are the one person I can tell anything to and I know you will give me good advice". Awesome. She is not disrespectful. I am glad she thinks it.  I am not going to tell her no. I have rules. She knows them. 


ETA:  She also has plenty of friends whom I am sure she tells more to than me...lol.

Quoting PPCLC:

I don't believe when a teen says they "hate" their parents, they sincerely do. I think they're angry at the time, and saying something like that is a means of paying back the parent that has pissed them off. 

I do feel that too many parents want to be their child's friend versus a parent, and have spoken with my own kid's about it (they're 27, 20, and 16). They all three have said they think the parent who does this doesn't realize how much their child disrespects them. That they DO want the parent to behave as a parent and not as one of their buddies.

However, a child does not need to say "I hate you" in order for the parent to be awarded the good seal of parenting, either.

I've heard this saying before, as well, and have wondered exactly what it was supposed to mean.


  No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them. By Elie Wiesel

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