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Need input on a rather serious issue.

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:05 PM
  • 37 Replies
1 mom liked this

I have an employee we will call Mark.  His wife, Tonya is in the store alot.  I like her but have had a sense of her being a very unhappy person. She works at the animal shelter, but, come to find out from the shelter director/ACO and her opening up to me a week or so ago, he is very, verbally abusive and controlling over her.  and by very abusive, from what I am hearing and the ACO is confirming as he had been fishng friends with him.  He has caused her so many problems at her job and now I learn he has cost her every job he has ever had.

Well there is alot of bullshit that I am learning he has done to her, that is too much to go into, but detroying her things, stalking her when she has left him, before, until she gives in, in hopelessness and goes back.

I have kept all this in confidence, but now she wants to leave again.  She has virtually no self esteem and is scared of him.  I have offered to let her stay with us, my son says he will take her to work, I am now trying to push him to quit.  She is afraid he will cause me problems, which would be a mistake on his part, but how can I get her to take the step that she wants to take and get it through to her that all of us are willing to protect her?  My husband, son, the ACO from the shelter will get a court order to keep him away from the shelter. 

What do I need to do to get her the courage to leave?

by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
meriana
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:38 PM

Never having known anyone in that position, I really don't have any ideas other than to see if there is a support group in the area. It sounds like she could really use a support group for and of women who are or have been in her situation.

JakeandEmmasMom
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:17 PM
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It is very, very difficult to convince someone in this situation to leave, speaking from experience. I guess just keep doing what you're doing.
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Carpy
by Ruby Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:27 PM

What convinced you?  I have a very difficult time relating to it, because I am a pretty strong willed type of person.  (some call that bullheaded) She told me today, regrading what he will do "I have no control over it"  I said you still have control over YOU.  I just wish I could get her to realize that.

Quoting JakeandEmmasMom: It is very, very difficult to convince someone in this situation to leave, speaking from experience. I guess just keep doing what you're doing.


cjsix
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Carpy,what you are doing is really nice. Keep being there for her and letting her know you will do whatever you can to help her. Hugs...

Carpy
by Ruby Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:35 PM

Thanks I just hope I can help her get out. 

Quoting cjsix:

Carpy,what you are doing is really nice. Keep being there for her and letting her know you will do whatever you can to help her. Hugs...


SuperChicken
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:41 PM

That's a scary situation.   Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't you sell guns?   Abusive controlling guy working with guns and his girlfriend is wants to leave?    I'd keep a close eye on your inventory.   Please stay safe.

Carpy
by Ruby Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:50 PM

He already has lots of guns.  He is a huge hunting fanatic.  He won't use them..  He knows he would not make it in prison  He is 55 years old,  He will bully her and harrass and stalk her until the threat of arrest.

Quoting SuperChicken:

That's a scary situation.   Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't you sell guns?   Abusive controlling guy working with guns and his girlfriend is wants to leave?    I'd keep a close eye on your inventory.   Please stay safe.


AdrianneHill
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 10:03 PM
2 moms liked this
Patience. And find a way to reassure her you'll be fine. and then you Must be fine after it starts. Probably get biggest concern right now is you. She's seen what he's capable of and even if you can win any fight, you'll still be put in the situation to fight and she likely doesn't want that for anyone else. She's probably afraid that he'll come at you in a way you're not expecting too. Think he'll come at you straight with violence or vandalism and then find out he has been calling the members of your congregation or your work neighbors and act like he's a bill collector or government agent investigating some nefarious deeds. I know it sounds farfetched but people are Fucking Crazy.
Luckily I've never been in an abusive situation. I'm usually the one trying to get the girl to leave but that means I've seen my share of collateral psycho. Seriously, I could write a book. But do be careful of the girl. She needs help and she wants help but she's in survival mode. It will be hard to keep her away from him after awhile and don't try to keep them apart because then they'll sneak around and think it's all fun being united against something again instead of fighting. She also might self sabotage because success has been so elusive she might have become afraid of it. Afraid that it's all going to collapse anyway (because it always has) so might as well knock it down before too much depends on it succeeding. And don't listen to the massive smear campaign he will undoubtedly start once he realizes that she has an ally in you.
Be patient. Be supportive. Don't be a pushover either though. And always stand firm in your United front against him but don't put her in a position where she feels the need to defend his actions. It's such a balancing act and I wish you all luck.
JakeandEmmasMom
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 10:03 PM
1 mom liked this
No, I wasn't the one being abused. I was the one trying to convince the woman who was being abused to get help. We never were able to convince her. It is very difficult to watch.

Quoting Carpy:

What convinced you?  I have a very difficult time relating to it, because I am a pretty strong willed type of person.  (some call that bullheaded) She told me today, regrading what he will do "I have no control over it"  I said you still have control over YOU.  I just wish I could get her to realize that.

Quoting JakeandEmmasMom: It is very, very difficult to convince someone in this situation to leave, speaking from experience. I guess just keep doing what you're doing.


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flika
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 10:23 PM
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I was in a abusive relationship too. One fear I had about leaving was what if I made a mistake for leaving him? What if he doesn't pay cs? what if I can't make it on my own? What if I can't get a job? What if I regret leaving bc I still love him? There are so many what if. At least for me. If you meet me, you'll say I'm a strong person, high self esteem, always happy but when it comes to decisions like this, there's never knowing what the reaction would be.
On top of it, I had no family or friends around to help me. I was left homeless, no job, no cs, no car, lost my clothes, a lot of personal things. It has been difficult.
I found help in a domestic violence center and they provided therapy for me, my daughter. I would suggest that maybe help her going to one of this centers, meet more women in her situation or that are out of it. This will help her in my opinion.

Good luck and thanks for helping her. She might not see it now but don't something like this is huge when you feel your lowest and are alone in this.
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