Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Current Events & Hot Topics Current Events & Hot Topics

The Thing About Abusers/Bullies/Internet Bullies

Posted by on Jan. 30, 2014 at 10:32 PM
  • 56 Replies
6 moms liked this

After a recent incident of bullying that came to my attention on a *social media forum,* some thoughts came to mind. Thought I'd share. These are my words.

~goodwoman614


The Thing About Abusers/Bullies/Internet Bullies

Many people are familiar with the word "abuser," as in domestic violence perpetrators. Of course people know about bullies. But do they really?

The thing is, abusers and bullies have many things in common. To an abuser/bully, it is all about power. These individuals are experts at sniffing out another person's - a target - insecurities and vulnerabilities, their "buttons." Bullies, and in the social media environment, internet bullies, will ruthlessly exploit these specifics and goad the targeted person in to "losing it."

This is their goal. For most grown adults, it might be incomprehensible how other grown adults could behave in this way, but in my experience in dealing with these kinds of people, this unpreparedness is a crucial aspect they exploit.

One must be prepared to deal with such bullies. And the most important thing to know is that the goal of a bully in to get you to lose your sh*t. Therefore the only successful way to deal with one is to just as ruthlessly and fastidiously ignore them. Never respond. Because to a bully moving in for "the kill," remember: your response doesn't matter anyway. In this case, the topic of a post or comment has nothing to do with it. The sole purpose of an internet bully is to get you to lose your sh*t. They don't care about your thoughts, your opinions. They are not engaging in a fair debate or civil discussion. Just knowing their game is not enough to grant immunity to their sh*t throwing scheming. One has to have a plan of action, and that plan of action begins and ends with ignoring them.

I'm not saying this will be easy. At times we all feel vulnerable or let our guard down. But like any practice, it gets easier the more you put it in play.  Then a funny thing happens: you begin to gain insights, observations.

What yours might be I cannot of course know. What I can do is share mine: I used to be motivated by justice/injustice. I thought I had to right perceived wrongs. Explain, cite various resources, debate ad nauseum, correct. That was my confrontation with my own ego, however well intentioned it might have been. What has replaced this is a view that is much more distant, removed from the personal. The next thing I noticed was the sense of freedom. It is much more easy to interact in social media when the personal is removed. Now I might share information, cite resources, disagree with another's thoughts, but there is nothing personal hanging on whatever response this may or may not elicit.

Not taking things personally combines nicely with the One Working Rule of dealing with internet bullies: ignoring them. This, I discovered, did not necessarily mean that one cannot reply to the content of a comment, even a bully's. I've discovered how to discuss something an individual whom I have noted displays bullying behavior by never engaging them directly. (Remember the One Working Rule). This allows for the freedom to discuss thoughts and ideas, and bypass the bully completely. And although it is neither my intention or goal, I know that this really chaps a bully's as$. But if you think about it, as parents we learn to not "reward" bad behavior with attention. This is the same principle. Although in this case, the goal is not to change the bully's behavior but to preserve YOUR sanity.

There is a quote by Mark Twain — 'Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.' Well, the same applies to internet bullies. They will drag you down into misbehavior, then run!run!run! to report YOU..the one they successfully goaded into losing it. Know that these individuals exist, know their agenda, know the One Working Rule, and don't fall for it.

by on Jan. 30, 2014 at 10:32 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Sisteract
by Whoopie on Jan. 30, 2014 at 10:51 PM
3 moms liked this

Ignoring is the best solution-

Goodwoman614
by Satan on Jan. 30, 2014 at 10:52 PM


Quoting Sisteract:

Ignoring is the best solution-

Pretty much the only solution.

lga1965
by on Jan. 30, 2014 at 10:54 PM
2 moms liked this
Excellent post !
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
skrbelly
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2014 at 11:06 PM
6 moms liked this
Yes, and doesn't the rhetoric escalate when an abuser gets to hide behind anonymity? Social media has given EVERYONE a platform without any real consequences. Free speech ought to be balanced with responsibility for the right of it and respect for the audience. One who stoops to dissemination of information with no factual basis and then defends a position with vulgar personal attacks isn't worthy of anyone's time or attention. Being an educated consumer of editorial content takes doing some research and critical thinking skills. You don't have to but anyone's bullshit. And remember, if you are being bullied in cyberspace, it is just a machine. You can shut it off. Peace
skrbelly
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2014 at 11:08 PM
2 moms liked this
You don't have to buy. Buy. Not but. I know what I meant
meriana
by Platinum Member on Jan. 30, 2014 at 11:48 PM
1 mom liked this

Great post!. 

Goodwoman614
by Satan on Jan. 31, 2014 at 2:52 AM

Oh and another funny thing I've noticed about bullies? When people calmly discuss, in as much precise detail the workings and behavior of a bully, in a bully's presence...

guess what?


(if there are any teachers here they might have a good guess)

MomTiara19
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 5:33 AM
2 moms liked this

Cyber bullies are the most pathetic.They taunt and hide behind the screen.

In real life they would never bully you because you could unleash a Michael Grimm on them and break them like a boy...lol...


Clairwil
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 5:36 AM


Quoting Goodwoman614:

The thing is, abusers and bullies have many things in common. To an abuser/bully, it is all about power. These individuals are experts at sniffing out another person's - a target - insecurities and vulnerabilities, their "buttons." Bullies, and in the social media environment, internet bullies, will ruthlessly exploit these specifics and goad the targeted person in to "losing it."

This is their goal. For most grown adults, it might be incomprehensible how other grown adults could behave in this way, but in my experience in dealing with these kinds of people, this unpreparedness is a crucial aspect they exploit. 

It helps to have an image of what they're like in person.

Here's two people who recently got thrown in prison for it:


John Nimmo

His solicitor presented him as a sad individual; a social recluse who had jumped on the "rape threat train" as a way of seeking attention, validation and popularity. Descriptions of how he had been severely bullied at school were used to explain how he had become a pitiable, alienated individual who barely left the house except to empty his bins, and whose only life was lived through the internet.



Isabella Sorley

Ms Sorley has 25 previous convictions, the majority for being drunk and disorderly.

While on bail for this case, she also committed two offences of assaulting a police officer and is awaiting sentence for an assault on New Year's Day, the court heard.

Carpy
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 5:38 AM

Now I understand. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN