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HELP!!

Posted by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 7:34 PM
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My husband just called and told me his father passed away today. We expected it to happen soon so it is not a shock. My problem is that I do not know how to tell DS, 4. His Daddy and I are living in seperate states at the moment (not due to marriage issues, it is job related) and I am not sure if I should wait until he comes up (his dad lived up here by me so he is driving up tonight and going straight to his mom's house) or tell K now. And what do I say??? Any advice is appreciated!
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by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 7:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
snookyfritz
by Platinum Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:23 PM
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I would wait.  As long as you are not involved in the hubbub surrounding the funeral.  No need to upset him too soon.  I'm sorry for you loss.  You will be in my prayers

snookyfritz
by Platinum Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:23 PM

BUMP!

LoveMyBoyK
by Ruby Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:31 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you!!

Quoting snookyfritz:

I would wait.  As long as you are not involved in the hubbub surrounding the funeral.  No need to upset him too soon.  I'm sorry for you loss.  You will be in my prayers

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gdiamante
by Gold Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:32 PM

I would wait till you're both there. Does your son know his grandfather was sick? Did he know there was a possibility of dying? It's a hard thing to talk about with a four year old, I know.

LoveMyBoyK
by Ruby Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 8:51 PM
He knew as much as he really could. I am not sure he understood Grandpa was going to die but he understands the concept of death ... sort of .. because two of our cats died last year.

Quoting gdiamante:

I would wait till you're both there. Does your son know his grandfather was sick? Did he know there was a possibility of dying? It's a hard thing to talk about with a four year old, I know.

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Proud2baMuslim
by Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:29 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss. I really don't have any useful advise to give you. When my daughters grandfather who was huge part of her life died she was about 4 also and she was the one who found him dead. He was babysitting her while I worked that night as my regular baby sitter had something last minute come up. She walked in the kitchen and found him on the floor. As trained she called 911, packed her a little bad and went to the neighbors at about 11:00 pm until I was contacted. She took it very well.

We have had a few others pass since including all the rest of her grandparents by the time she was 5 and death was at that point nothing unfamiliar to her so it was easy as far as telling her and she understanding.

Every child and what they have or have not been exposed to is different. I wish you the best with this and hope for the little guy he is able to understand and take it as well as can be expected.

LoveMyBoyK
by Ruby Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:32 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you.

Quoting Proud2baMuslim:

Sorry to hear about your loss. I really don't have any useful advise to give you. When my daughters grandfather who was huge part of her life died she was about 4 also and she was the one who found him dead. He was babysitting her while I worked that night as my regular baby sitter had something last minute come up. She walked in the kitchen and found him on the floor. As trained she called 911, packed her a little bad and went to the neighbors at about 11:00 pm until I was contacted. She took it very well.


We have had a few others pass since including all the rest of her grandparents by the time she was 5 and death was at that point nothing unfamiliar to her so it was easy as far as telling her and she understanding.


Every child and what they have or have not been exposed to is different. I wish you the best with this and hope for the little guy he is able to understand and take it as well as can be expected.

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4evrinbluejeans
by KK on Mar. 12, 2014 at 9:44 PM

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.  While it may not have been a surprise I know that hardly takes away the grief that comes.  

I think either way (waiting or talking to him) would be okay.  

I think there is some pretty good advice offered at this link.  


Quote:

Give brief, simple answers. Young children can't handle too much information at once. At this age, it's most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: "Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can't walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn't feel any pain."

It's also important to help a preschooler understand basics such as who's going to take care of her. "She thinks, 'If Mom dies, who's going to give me my bath?' " says grief specialist Michael Towne.

Express your own emotions. Grieving is an important part of healing, for both children and adults. Don't frighten your child with excessive grief, but don't make the subject off-limits, either.

Explain that grownups need to cry sometimes, too, and that you feel sad because you miss Grandma. Your preschooler is keenly aware of changes in your mood, and she'll be even more worried if she senses that something is wrong but that you're trying to hide it.

Avoid euphemisms. Common adult phrases for death — "resting in peace," "in eternal sleep" — are confusing for a young child, so don't say that Grandpa is "sleeping" or "has gone away." Your preschooler may worry that going to bed at night means she'll die, too, or that if you leave for the office or the store, you won't come back.

State the reasons for the death as simply as possible: "Grandpa was very, very old and his body couldn't work anymore." If Grandpa was sick before he died, be sure to reassure your child that if she gets sick from a cold or flu, it doesn't mean she'll die. Explain that there are different ways people get sick, and that we recover from minor illnesses like the ones your child usually has.


http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc?page=2


LoveMyBoyK
by Ruby Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 10:13 PM

Thank you!!

Quoting 4evrinbluejeans:

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.  While it may not have been a surprise I know that hardly takes away the grief that comes.  

I think either way (waiting or talking to him) would be okay.  

I think there is some pretty good advice offered at this link.  


Quote:

Give brief, simple answers. Young children can't handle too much information at once. At this age, it's most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: "Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can't walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn't feel any pain."

It's also important to help a preschooler understand basics such as who's going to take care of her. "She thinks, 'If Mom dies, who's going to give me my bath?' " says grief specialist Michael Towne.

Express your own emotions. Grieving is an important part of healing, for both children and adults. Don't frighten your child with excessive grief, but don't make the subject off-limits, either.

Explain that grownups need to cry sometimes, too, and that you feel sad because you miss Grandma. Your preschooler is keenly aware of changes in your mood, and she'll be even more worried if she senses that something is wrong but that you're trying to hide it.

Avoid euphemisms. Common adult phrases for death — "resting in peace," "in eternal sleep" — are confusing for a young child, so don't say that Grandpa is "sleeping" or "has gone away." Your preschooler may worry that going to bed at night means she'll die, too, or that if you leave for the office or the store, you won't come back.

State the reasons for the death as simply as possible: "Grandpa was very, very old and his body couldn't work anymore." If Grandpa was sick before he died, be sure to reassure your child that if she gets sick from a cold or flu, it doesn't mean she'll die. Explain that there are different ways people get sick, and that we recover from minor illnesses like the ones your child usually has.



http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc?page=2



Woodbabe
by Woodie on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry for your loss, here's a good article on how to tell him:

Link

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