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How, as a mother, do you look at this.

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:54 PM
  • 45 Replies

Yes, this is personal.  

Long story short. well, kind of.......ex husband tried to take me to court for contempt.  Some know how strained the relationship is between him and our 14 year old daughter.  It is unhealthy.  Plain and simple.  

He filed this declaration claiming I brainwashed her.  I countered with mine, explaining the situation from the get go, back in April, up until the time I filed the response.  Including the 'break' he took because he had that mini mental breakdown because our daughter has rejected him so much over the years.

He filed yet another lengthy response.

The Judge made it clear I am not, have not been, in contempt.  The Judge made it clear he sees the relationship between them as unhealthy and he also pointed out to Dad that he needs to stop blaming me, stop blaming his daughter and look in the mirror.  

He read back parts of dad's declaration, showing dad how he is responsible for the strain and how he is blaming his daughter instead of taking responsibility himself.  He used his own words against him to prove a point.  Many times.

The Judge made it clear dad is out to punish me, has major anger issues towards me and he needs to continue with his counselor as it is clear he needs help.  He also made it clear dad has put the latest fiance in front of his daughter.

The Judge made it clear that neither of us can physically force our daughter to go any where, at any time, with her father.  That until their relationship moves to a healthy place our daughter will be reluctant.  He made it clear dad dismisses daughter, her opinion, her feelings, etc.

He said he hoped dad continues to be part of our daughter's therapy.  The Judge also said that sometimes a rift so deep never finds it way to a healthy place.

So, from this point on we simply follow the court order but dad should not expect daughter to want to do so.  Because I do not actively discourage her visits and have been supportive, even if I don't want to be, and he has brought about all the issues, I will never be in contempt.

Dad yelled at me in court, yelled at the Judge.  He was held in contempt.

First, let me say I felt vindicated.  That sounds awful but it is how I feel.

So, from here on out................I plan on following the advice/suggestions of her therapist.  I've always done that so I will continue to do so.  It is clear communication, co-parenting will never happen with my ex husband.

So I am going to stay out of it.

What do you think you would do?  How do you think you would proceed?  I know that I sometimes over think things because I do not want to cause our daughter more pain, emotional or otherwise. 

How does a man get to that point?  When she was younger he was a wonderful dad.  Truly.  She adored the ground he walked on.  Ever since we split and divorced, it truly has been hell for our daughter.  

She fully expects him to walk away because he was not 'right' and he has no 'control'.  

How do we let ourselves get to a place where our children are hurt so deeply?

Any thoughts, bring em' on.  I am trying hard not to smile from ear to ear that he was put in his place.  To gloat, so to speak.  I don't want karma finding me.  A part of me is truly sad that after all these years he still doesn't get it.

by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
UpSheRises
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:08 PM
3 moms liked this

Thanks for sharing this with us. It flattering that after all the annoying stuff we all do you still feel like our opinions have value.

Good parenting requires empathy and good anger management skills. A lot of men lack empathy and because of that become very defensive of their own actions. He doesn't have any other coping mechanisms and short of serious behavior therapy, he'll never have them. He'll go the rest of his life blaming the consequences of his actions on the people around him, and because he feels constantly victimized, he's always going to be angry.

When your daughter has her own children she'll understand that he's flawed and that even though it wasn't good enough, he did the best he could. At least that is how it went for me.

coolmommy2x
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:11 PM
3 moms liked this
You have every right to smile and be glad he was put in his place.
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punky3175
by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:12 PM
3 moms liked this
I'd do exactly what you are doing - listen to her therapists, her and the judge. He may one day realize his mistake but from all you've said, I doubt he does.

I'm glad you have such an amazing judge hearing this case and using your ex's words against him.

I'm still amazed at your strength. I think I would have lost my cool 10 times over if he were my ex.
FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:13 PM


Quoting UpSheRises:

Thanks for sharing this with us. It flattering that after all the annoying stuff we all do you still feel like our opinions have value.

Good parenting requires empathy and good anger management skills. A lot of men lack empathy and because of that become very defensive of their own actions. He doesn't have any other coping mechanisms and short of serious behavior therapy, he'll never have them. He'll go the rest of his life blaming the consequences of his actions on the people around him, and because he feels constantly victimized, he's always going to be angry.

When your daughter has her own children she'll understand that he's flawed and that even though it wasn't good enough, he did the best he could. At least that is how it went for me.

I do value the opinions of many.  Even those who annoy me, those I disagree with and otherwise.  :)

I don't think he is doing the best he can.  But, as you have stated, there is probably some truth in there and I do know that he believes he has done the best he can.  

I honestly do not believe he will ever stop being angry at me.  For what, exactly, I am not sure.

Even though he read some paper he wrote, telling me he was sorry for always playing the victim, he continues to do so.  

I recall a time when I truly believed he and I would raise our daughter together and give her all we did not have.  Now, after the past 4 years and the hell she has been through, I almost wish he would just leave.  I have not, nor would I ever, say that to our daughter.  That is just my own personal feelings because I am quite tired of battling with him.

*sigh*

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:14 PM


Quoting punky3175: I'd do exactly what you are doing - listen to her therapists, her and the judge. He may one day realize his mistake but from all you've said, I doubt he does. I'm glad you have such an amazing judge hearing this case and using your ex's words against him. I'm still amazed at your strength. I think I would have lost my cool 10 times over if he were my ex.

I think I have just resigned myself to the fact that there will always be some type of conflict brought about.

I am tired, however.  I've been tired for a long time.  

OHgirlinCA
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:22 PM

I get it. I really do. My 19 year old daughter has a strained relationship with her father and he is completely clueless. Or rather, doesn't want to listen to anyone (including counselors and a court mediator). I have warned him in the past about how his actions are seen by her, but of course, I know nothing. I stopped wasting my breath years ago. She has tried talking to him and has gotten nowhere. She has gotten to the point where she realizes he will more than likely never change and never "get it".

All you can do is be there for her to listen and offer advice when asked. It sucks when your kids don't have the parental figure that you would like for them, but unfortunately, it's out of your control.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:26 PM


Quoting OHgirlinCA:

I get it. I really do. My 19 year old daughter has a strained relationship with her father and he is completely clueless. Or rather, doesn't want to listen to anyone (including counselors and a court mediator). I have warned him in the past about how his actions are seen by her, but of course, I know nothing. I stopped wasting my breath years ago. She has tried talking to him and has gotten nowhere. She has gotten to the point where she realizes he will more than likely never change and never "get it".

All you can do is be there for her to listen and offer advice when asked. It sucks when your kids don't have the parental figure that you would like for them, but unfortunately, it's out of your control.

That is exactly what the Judge told him.  Their relationship, the issues he has brought about, are out of my control.  Just as fixing it all, bringing them to a healthy place, is out of my control.

Thanks for responding.  Puts things in a different perspective and helps.  

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:33 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like you are doing an awesome job! and you deserve the ability for a little gloating!

[[[[hugs]]]]

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:36 PM
4 moms liked this


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

It sounds like you are doing an awesome job! and you deserve the ability for a little gloating!

[[[[hugs]]]]

Thank you.

I admit, after the hearing, I walked up to my oldest daughter and knew that his fiance could hear me when I said..........'It's about damn time some one put him in his place'.

I had a bitch moment.  It felt good.

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:52 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting FromAtoZ:

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

It sounds like you are doing an awesome job! and you deserve the ability for a little gloating!

[[[[hugs]]]]

Thank you.

I admit, after the hearing, I walked up to my oldest daughter and knew that his fiance could hear me when I said..........'It's about damn time some one put him in his place'.

I had a bitch moment.  It felt good.

Every one deserves a bitch moment on occasion. It seems your moment was long overdue.

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