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IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn't

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:18 PM
  • 167 Replies
10 moms liked this
"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal." 

 At the age of 10, I took a pledge at my church alongside a group of other girls to remain a virgin until marriage.

Yes, you read that right -- I was 10 years old. Let's take a look at who I was as a 10-year-old: I was in fourth grade. I played with Barbie dolls and had tea parties with imaginary friends. I pretended I was a mermaid every time I took a bath. I still thought boys were icky and I had no idea I liked girls, too. I wouldn't get my period for another four years. And most importantly, I didn't have a clue about sex. The church taught me that sex was for married people. Extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it.

I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn't have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.  

 Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband's sexual needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn't that it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce. I believed it. Why wouldn't I? I was young and these were people I trusted. Everyone knew I'd taken the virginity vow, of course.

Gossip is the lifeblood of the Baptist Church. My parents were so proud of me for making such a spiritual decision. The church congregation applauded my righteousness.  

For more than a decade, I wore my virginity like a badge of honor. My church encouraged me to do so, saying my testimony would inspire other young girls to follow suit. If the topic ever came up in conversation, I was happy to let people know that I had taken a pledge of purity. It became my entire identity by the time I hit my teen years.

When I met my then boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was saving myself for marriage and he was fine with that because it was my body, my choice and he loved me. We were together for six years before we got married. Any time we did anything remotely sexual, guilt overwhelmed me. I wondered where the line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch my breasts? Could we look at each other naked? I didn't know what was considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell.  

An unhealthy mixture of pride, fear, and guilt helped me keep my pledge until we got married. In the weeks before our wedding, I often got congratulated on keeping my virginity for so long. The comments ranged from curious (how in the world did you manage?) to downright disgusting (I bet you're going to have one busy wedding night!). I let them place me on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-Christian-girl mascot.  

I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, "I made it. I'm a good Christian." There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.   

Sex hurt.

I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be uncomfortable the first time. What they didn't tell me is that I would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn't yet comprehend. They didn't tell me that I'd be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now. When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers.

They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it.  

It didn't get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn't lead him on. I dreaded bedtime. Maybe he'd want to have sex. When he did, I obliged. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy because I loved him so much and because I'd been taught it was my duty to fulfill his needs. But I hated sex.

Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to like it, because it wasn't fair. I had done everything right. I took the pledge and stayed true to it. Where was the blessed marriage I was promised?  

I let it go on this way for almost two years before I broke down. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told my husband everything. My feminist husband was horrified that I'd let him touch me when I didn't want him to. He made me promise I'd never do anything I didn't want to do ever again.

We stopped having sex. He encouraged me to see a therapist and I did. It was the first step on a long journey to healing.  

Ten-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful Christian husband and you'll get married and live happily ever after, they said. Waiting didn't give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience. 

I don't go to church anymore, nor am I religious. As I started to heal, I realized that I couldn't figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time. I chose sex. Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood. I have to constantly remind myself that a pledge I took when I was only 10 doesn't define who I am today. When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it's because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I'm required to fulfill his desires.  

I'm now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality. If I could go back, I would not wait. I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn't go to hell for it.

We would have gotten married at a more appropriate age and I would have kept my sexuality to myself. Unfortunately, I can't go back but I can give you this message as a culmination of my experiences: If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it's because you want to. It's your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody's business but yours.
http://m.xojane.com/sex/true-love-waits-pledge
by on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
numbr1wmn
by Nikki on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:20 PM
17 moms liked this

What is the point of this? Who said the body belonged to the church? No one. this is just a biased bullshit article to attack those in religion.

lonelymoon
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:26 PM
That was really long lol
WildPowerMom
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:30 PM
7 moms liked this

I signed the same oath and even have my ring. I am sorry that this happened for you. I cannot say the same for my experience with the program, the commitment, or the sex. I brought toys on the honeymoon because it was strongly encouraged that when you say I Do it becomes "all good."

I can't stress how happy is am that I waited, or how sad I am that you do not enjoy the same freedoms. May the chains that bind you be broken.

WildPowerMom
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:33 PM
8 moms liked this

I have met one or two other people who felt ashamed of their body and sex because of the church.  What I read isn't an attack, but words of someone who was taught poorly or not taught the true freedoms of Christ

Quoting numbr1wmn:

What is the point of this? Who said the body belonged to the church? No one. this is just a biased bullshit article to attack those in religion.


lilangilyn
by on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I like your post. I think the church in general makes way too big a deal about "purity" and virginity. We are pure as people when we love one another. When we are compassionate and kind.

I always thought virginity was just a piece of tissue. It had nothing to do with love, or purity, or compassion. It has nothing to do with sex for me either, just that it needed to be broken eventually.

Sorry you went through all that, but it sounds like now you are in a better place.

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:36 PM
9 moms liked this
What a load of shit.
numbr1wmn
by Nikki on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:41 PM

 I understand that but This poster has a habit of the religion attacked.

Quoting WildPowerMom:

I have met one or two other people who felt ashamed of their body and sex because of the church.  What I read isn't an attack, but words of someone who was taught poorly or not taught the true freedoms of Christ

Quoting numbr1wmn:

What is the point of this? Who said the body belonged to the church? No one. this is just a biased bullshit article to attack those in religion.

 

sweet-a-kins
by Emerald Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:50 PM
10 moms liked this

 Her husband sounds like a great guy

The sexual guilt is absolutely used to control women's sexuality

sweet-a-kins
by Emerald Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:51 PM
6 moms liked this

 This is someone's experience with her own church and sexuality and her views and how they evolved over time.

 

Quoting numbr1wmn:

What is the point of this? Who said the body belonged to the church? No one. this is just a biased bullshit article to attack those in religion.

 

MelanieJK
by Silver Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 2:53 PM
3 moms liked this

Somewhat off point but I disagree with the statement that  "your sexuality is nobody's business but yours" if you're talking about young kids.     Kids brains aren't fully developed so they shouldn't be making  life altering decisions without their parents.     That applies to everything,   not just sex.         They care about their kids  health and well-being more than anyone else.     

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