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Spin off from "What do we do with the kids?" Why don't parents discipline their children?

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 1:43 PM
  • 9 Replies

In the post of which this is a spin off the discussion is about children (teenagers) who defy authority and what should be done with them.  In this post I would like to discuss HOW the children get that way to begin with.  Specifically, how do children get to the point where they defy authority, even to the point of defying teacher, principals, and the police?  

Are parents not disciplining their children from an early age?  If not why not? What other factors might cause this behavior from children?  

by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 1:43 PM
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futureshock
by Ruby Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 1:44 PM

Have any of you watched Supernanny, Nanny 911, or America's Supernanny on TV?  

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Oct. 29, 2015 at 1:51 PM
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Well, if you ask some, it is because not enough parents beat their children, bust their asses or spank them.

I can't speak for others, I can only speak as to my own experiences.  My own kids, outside of a few spankings when they were young, I have never hit them.  Thinking back, I didn't have to hit them over the head (figure of speech) to realize there is a wrong way and a right way to be, to act and otherwise.  You are to stand up for yourself but again, there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.  You do not disrespect yourself and put yourself on the level of another person, act like they do, in order to be taken seriously or to be heard.

As I have mentioned the two boys whom I know very well and adore, one is defiant.  While he has changed in many ways and understands more now than even a year ago, he will still be defiant to attempt to prove a point.  He also has no adult in his life worth much.  When he comes to my home he is respectful of my rules and has never gone against them.  In his own home, he will set out to bend the rules, defy them.  When he has there are no consequences at all.  He is not held accountable.  They are too busy fighting with each other and all kinds of other crap to do this.  They may tell him his consequences are X, Y or Z but they do not follow through.

I see this on a daily basis.  He is, as I mentioned, slowly beginning to realize but it isn't going to happen over night.

My kids have defied me, my rules and such, not often but they have.  I think that is part of growing up but the extent, their behavior and their actions and reactions are important.  Consequences handed down and enforced are important.

I have never been one to think allowing a child, of any age, to be coddled in to thinking their actions, even if brought about by circumstances beyond their control, are acceptable and without consequence, is beneficial.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Oct. 29, 2015 at 1:52 PM


Quoting futureshock:

Have any of you watched Supernanny, Nanny 911, or America's Supernanny on TV?  

I have, a few times, a looooooong time ago.

I cringed more than once.

futureshock
by Ruby Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 2:00 PM


Quoting FromAtoZ:

Quoting futureshock:

Have any of you watched Supernanny, Nanny 911, or America's Supernanny on TV?  

I have, a few times, a looooooong time ago.

I cringed more than once.

I have cringed also, lol.  However, if that show is real is is remarkable how much following through with consequences can turn most children around in a short amount of time.  Dragging the kid back to the time out spot over and over again for hours until they comply is much more effective than a spanking.  

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Oct. 29, 2015 at 2:06 PM
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Quoting futureshock:

Quoting FromAtoZ:

Quoting futureshock:

Have any of you watched Supernanny, Nanny 911, or America's Supernanny on TV?  

I have, a few times, a looooooong time ago.

I cringed more than once.

I have cringed also, lol.  However, if that show is real is is remarkable how much following through with consequences can turn most children around in a short amount of time.  Dragging the kid back to the time out spot over and over again for hours until they comply is much more effective than a spanking.  

I agree.  I was more cringing at the parents.

MsDenuninani
by A.Ham on Oct. 29, 2015 at 2:15 PM
3 moms liked this

I don't think children "get that way" per se - I think they never fully develop.

One of the skills we all must learn is how to regulate our emotions.  Everyone has them, but not everyone is good at channelling them in productive ways.  Toddlers are the worst, elementary schools students are better, and by the time you get to be 19-20, you should be pretty good. 

But not everyone is, so you end up with teenagers who have adapted the other developmental skills of adults (motor, speech) but don't yet know how to be rational and reasonable.  I think some of that is legitimately genetic (some learn it at 14, someone else at 16) but I also think that a lack of stability in the home hinders that developmental process.

(It can also be brought on by so-called "helicopter" parenting -- parents never let their kids fail at anything, so when the kid finally has to experience a negative emotion, they can't handle it and become totally depressed.  I've heard professors talk about seeing this in college students.)

 

1Giovanni
by Becca on Oct. 29, 2015 at 2:19 PM
Maybe some parents never had good role models to help to grow to be good parents.

Myself had a drunk has a mother. She just slapped and hit to get me to mind. In foster care I was several abused. I did have 1 foster home that was good, so it helped me a little bit about what kind of parent I wanted to be.

When I became a parent I was so scared I would become like my mom. I probably didn't discipline like I should. My boys are good boys but when my oldest boy became a teen I lost him. I had no clue how to help him. I know now what I did wrong and doing things different with my youngest. I just wasnt tough enough on him. He is know 22 and he is doing well now, but it took a lot to get him where he is.

It isn't always that the parent doesn't want to discipline it could be they don't know how or to scared to go to far.
cybcm
by Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 3:46 PM
I stand on the side of the helicopter in being the overall problem, rather than the discipline.

As a 70s child I can say that we got our energy out, we got to use our minds without a parent making suggestions on how to play the game, we were given responsibilities and not infantilised into our teenage years. My mother didn't do my homework for me, or approach my teacher in an accusing manner when I was doing poorly. If I pushed little Mary over at school, we didn't dig around to find something Mary did a year ago to excuse my behaviour. I was responsible for me.

Look at what is now acceptable behaviour for raising your children, they do no wrong, teachers are openly viewed in a negative light by parents, and kids are seen as too little to be responsible for themselves or think for themselves. Does anyone honestly think that's going to equal wonderful behaviour at school?

Personally, I have 5 kids ranging in ages from 21-almost 8. I never spanked any of them. They're not perfect, no one is, but I've never even had to consider the word "suspension". Heck between the 5 I think I've seen maybe three detention slips? Two of those were for waterfights in the school bathroom and one was for not submitting a homework assignment. But when my kids have done wrong it's always been on them to fix it, and courtesy of my MIL I've taken on the method of written speeches and Q&A for discipline, which was how my husband was raised.

I have to be entirely honest, the only kids I know who behave in a consistent negative manner are the ones whose parents act like the school is against them, and are over protective of their kids, and I've seen two of these mothers spank their kids in public. So in my experience, it's not a lack of spanking.
Woodbabe
by Woodie on Oct. 29, 2015 at 3:52 PM
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We have a generation of parents convinced that letting a baby cry is child abuse. That not setting limits for a toddler allows them to express themselves. Allowing a child to decide what they want to learn by their interests instead of requiring them to learn things they don't like. The education system has become edutainment. Kids are entertained instead of educated. They aren't developing coping skills, self-soothing, delayed gratification. These are developmental milestones. If a child is helicoptered to death, or in the opposite spectrum...unsupervised and untamed...what can we expect from them by the time they're teens? 

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