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Since I don't want to hijack posts: what happened afterwards

Posted by on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:08 AM
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8 moms liked this

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Mobile Photo

I've had so many people ask me how I have been. I hate derailing or hijacking posts. So here's an update from the last few months.

After Daniel died I had about a month where I sat and did nothing. I was barely able to get up to get DD ready for school. I was grateful that I have a very close friend who was with me through all of this, we will call her N. an lives with me now. She has taken up residence in my guest room. I don't know what I would do without her. She was with me through the whole ordeal and helped me care for Daniel as he slipped away. I was sad for that month. I cried like I had never cried before. I cried in the shower and as I sat in the living room. Everything around me was a reminder of the life we had once shared. The thing about my sadness though was that it wasn't because of his death. I was to a point where I felt I was finally able to grieve. I had watched my husband slip away from me for months before he died. The cancer ate away at him physically and emotionally. Towards the end he wasn't the person I knew and had fallen in love with. However, I stayed with him and didn't show my sadness. I stayed strong in front of him and as soon as he was gone I was able to finally grieve. I think the best way to sum up my feelings is through a song. "The night we met" by Lord Huron seemed to sum up my feelings well. "I had all of you, then most of you. Some of you then none of you." I think I listened to that song on repeat everyday for that month. I desperately wanted to just go back and see the man I had loved again. But I knew I couldn't. Which made it even harder for me when DD would say she misses her daddy. I could barely understand my feelings. How could I help her through hers? So I just held her and we cried together and remembered him.

That first month seemed to last forever. Thankfully my friends held me up and helped me through it. One friend in particular really came through, we will call him J. J frequently checked on me and just listened when no one else really would. People talked to me a lot about Daniel but none of them ever really listened to how I felt. Except for J. He helped me to sort out my feelings and DD began to really take a shine to him. I was able to move out of my sadness and into acceptance to a degree. For a while I was angry at Daniel. I was angry as I started cleaning up half done projects and the house he never helped me to tidy. I was mad because he didn't leave me anything to give our daughter so I struggled to piece together something she could have to remember him by. I was angry because I felt he had been selfish towards the end as I tried so hard to get him to talk to me and give me something to hold onto and he wouldn't do it. I almost hated him for that. But I focused on the good. I took DD to Disney with N. we had a wonderful time and were able to bond even more. We came home and it was like a fresh start.

I found a job and began to work. I balanced out a routine for DD, N and I. We were finally starting to feel normal in the months after Daniels death. We still have times where we miss him however they are easier to get through. I hold DD and give him one of his shirts to cuddle with. We keep his urn in the living room. I've also started to move on in the relationship arena. J and I have become very close. I even dare to say that I love him. Thankfully everyone in my life has been accepting of this, even Daniels parents. They support me and my decisions.

I still feel daniel. I feel him in the breeze and in the first fallen leaf of autumn.m, our favorite time of year. Being pagan we don't believe in heaven so I have told DD that daddy is in the mountains now helping to feed the animals and helping the plants to grow (which isn't far from the truth). So every time she sees a new flower bloom she looks at me with excitement in her eyes because it's is a present from her daddy.

Attached is a picture she drew. She is in the middle meditating with her cat and dog and all around her is her daddy (the blue smiley faces).
The second attached picture is J and I.
by on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Roma on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:10 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm glad you're finding peace.

by Ruby Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:11 AM
1 mom liked this
I love love love love this.
Thank you for sharing.
by IWantTacos on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:14 AM
Thanks ladies. I have to say you all helped me as well. The support from you all was amazing and helped instill faith that I would be alright.
by Ruby Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:14 AM
1 mom liked this
I can't begin to imagine what you went through, but thank you for sharing your experience so eloquently. I'm glad you are finding your peace and happiness again.
by Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:18 AM
-big big big hugs-
by Platinum Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 9:16 AM
2 moms liked this
I'm glad to see the support your receiving, particularly regarding your new relationship, I know that we widowed can face harsh judgment when we move forward with a new love. So it's great that you have such supportive people in your life.
by Gold Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 9:20 AM

That's a beautiful drawing, Blues.  I'm so thankful that you are getting help and love from people who care about you.  

by Dawn on Sep. 26, 2017 at 9:42 AM
Thank you for sharing your recovery with us, I have wondered from time to time how you were doing.I am happy you’re finding some measure of peace, and have the love and support of those around you. You look great, and that is a lovely drawing Zoe made. Hugs!
by Whoopie on Sep. 26, 2017 at 9:51 AM

:). You sound happy.

by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 9:56 AM
Oh thank you for sharing with us!

I am sure it's not easy! Hugs!
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