Hot Topic (4/10): Having kids ruins your marriage?
Parents all know that children make it harder to do some of the most enjoyable adult things. Bluntly put, kids can get between you.
Now scientists have attached some numbers to the situation.
An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.
"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child."
An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.
* * *
Has this been true in your experience?
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children?
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not?
What do you think about this whole issue?
We'll be married 25 yrs in Dec (tog. 27), 5 Wonderful Kids, wouldn't change a thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Has this been true in your experience?
Nope... married December 28, 2004... have 1 child and 1 on the way and I love my life. :)
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children?
Nope. Why would it? Being married and loving the man I love is what made those children. Having our children actually brought us closer I think.
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not?
I lived with my husband for almost 2 years before we were married. We didn't have kids until after we were married so I don't know. I think if we would have had children before we were married we would still be as happy as we are now...
What do you think about this whole issue?
I honestly think it depends on the people. Some couples just aren't happy and bringing children into the unhappy relationship isn't going to help. And then there are others who are blissful and children just add to the joy! :)
Wife of a Marine - Mommy to a Little Prince
& Expecting a Princess in May!
Has this been true in your experience? NO
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children? NO
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not? We did live together before, but didn't ave kids until after we were married, so I honestly don't know.
What do you think about this whole issue? I think 218 couples is NOT nearly enough to make any type of accurate determination. I also think it depends on age, and the length of the relationship, and marriage. EX: Newlyweds ALWAYS have an adjustment period after the bliss of the 'honeymoon' period. When reality starts to barge in, and you notice things that annoy you about s/o LOL. I also think as far as the depression study goes with 13,000 people a lot of that probably has to do with the increased responsibility of kids, and NOT the kids themselves.
Has this been true in your experience? Sort of. My husband had a hard time adjusting after the birth of both of our children. Both times led to separations.
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children? Not any more, it hasn't but it was definitely worse right after the births. I will say that having kids leads to more stress but, we've just learned how to work through it together and being there for each other.
Do
you worry that if you are living together with your partner before
marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than
those who did not? Can't really say since this is not my experience.
What do you think about this whole issue? I think it depends on the couple and the dynamics of that relationship. Some people fare better than others.
Quoting Cafe GroupAdmin:
Parents all know that children make it harder to do some of the most enjoyable adult things. Bluntly put, kids can get between you.
Now scientists have attached some numbers to the situation.
An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.
"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child."
An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.
* * *
Has this been true in your experience?
It did at first, but we had a very hard infant to take care of. Now that there is more sleep at night and he's older we are just fine.
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children?
No
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not?
Did live together before married.
What do you think about this whole issue?
It happens unfortunately and we try our hardest to still go out and do things, luckily we have both grandparents close by and two sisters that can babysit. He's also old enough in our opinion to spend the night at the Grandparents so that we can have a whole night to ourselves to either stay at home or go out and party.
Thank you for this post! I wondered if we were the only ones. I honestly don't know how dh felt but right after dd was born, for a few months, he was moody as hell and it certainly decreased my satisfaction. I'd cry, thinking now I see why marriages end after children. I thought it'd be more 50/50 and it ended up 80/20 maybe, mostly because he'd get moody so it was just better for me to do everything than deal with his mood. He did then and continues to do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry even, I think because it's easier for him. He's gotten better with the childcare but it was a huge adjustment. As a husband, I love him and adored him all along. I just wasn't satisfied with the amount of effort he put into parenting. I think he thought it'd be easier than it was.
Has this been true in your experience? No.
Has your marital satisfaction decreased since having children? No, it has increased overall, I have gotten to see what a wonderful father I married, how much love and attention he can lavish on a child amazes me. I will never forget watching him do something as little as change a diaper or rock her to sleep singing Amazing Grace...just thinking about it makes me feel more strongly that he is the perfect partner for me...and I am glad this was posted since he and I have been struggling lately with other issues (we both quit smoking and he responded to the Chantix with depression)
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not? We lived together for several years, but didn't have a child till after marriage. I do think that there would have been problems otherwise, but mainly because he was not fully divorced (his ex-wife drug out the divorce for 4 years, we met after he filed and became friends, over the first couple years it developed past friendship...it's not like I was the "other woman" or something...she was the one with other men.)
What do you think about this whole issue? I think that every family is different and adjusts to new things differently, this study is too small to take all the variants into consideration. I think that a lot depends on culture and upbringing, family status at the time and many many other factors.
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. - Fran Lebowitz 
Has this been true in your experience?
I don't think so. I am no longer married to my kids father but they aren't the reason we didn't work out.
Do you worry that if you are living together with your partner before marriage that you'll have more problems after the birth of a child than those who did not? I don't worry b/c my fiance and I are living together before marriage, but we are living with my 3 boys from my previous marriage and it does hinder sometimes but all in all it's not so bad and he very much wants a child of his own so I think we'll be ok.
What do you think about this whole issue?
I think it all depends on the people and the situation.
I have been married 23 years.
We had been married 3 years before we had our son.
Does having a child (or children) decrease marital satisfaction..........
Only if the two people in the marriage allow that to happen.
It takes work and effort on the part of the married couple to keep their marriage happy and healthy. And that takes making the effort to keep your marriage going after you have a child (or children).
A couple has to make their personal relationship with one another one of their top priorities. Otherwise, at the end of the day. When all is said and done. There will not be much of a personal relationship left.
As selfish as I think this topic is, sadly I have heard parents, in fact mothers say they regretted having their kids and when I was pregnant I worked along side this one particular mother that would confess her love of her kids, yet, she would then turn to me and tell me all the hell I was in for! WTF!!!
Sorry, I don't get this, I don't understand and the only thing that pops into my brain is selfish, just plain selfishness!
I would say that maybe people have agreed that were not happy with the person they were or are married to then to top ot off, ignorantly they believed having a baby would make it all so much better!!! HA! I also think getting married very young, (FOR SOME --- NOT ALL) will make life more difficult, you hardly know yourself let alone the person you married and then to top it off as you are trying to figure each other out you have a family way to early for either of you... that is a recipe for disaster!
I got married because I loved my husband! Plain and simple, we agreed on the important things, we waited for a family, we learned each other's "ticks" and loved each other even more as the years added up. When we finally were surprised with our pregnancy and impending parenthood we were excited, scared and extremely supportive for one another. We both knew what that meant and all the things we would potentially be giving up to raise a child and neither of us have regrets. We both love our daughter and are happy with our family. We both also agree that we had a happy life prior to our daughter, HOWEVER, we seem to have both come to a wonderful realization that we are even more happy since having her and cannot imagine a life w/o her.
It angers me that people choose to have a family and then in turn subconsciously or verbally make their unhappiness and issues within their marriage the kids fault!
Being a parent isn't easy, but, to me, even with the difficulties we find ourselves in from time to time we would never have it any other way...
Eight Year Old Girl Given "Catastrophe Award" By Teacher
- Cafe GroupAdmin
on Apr. 10, 2009 at 1:27 AM