Hot Topic (5/31): Do Babies Ruin Friendships?

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Do Babies Ruin Friendships?

by Sandy Maple Apr 24th 2009 2:00PM

Categories: Just for moms

Becoming a parent at a young age changed my life in many ways, not the least of which was losing the companionship of most of my friends. We were all so young and even though it hurt, I couldn't really blame them for going on with their child-free lives and leaving me behind. But while I chalked that experience up to youth, it would seem that dumping your new-parent friends is not exclusive to the immature.

Over at Cafe Mom, Emily writes about meeting a friend for lunch soon after giving birth:

"About three weeks after my son was born I went out to meet a friend for coffee. It took Herculean effort to get out the door-finding sweatpants that fit over my yo-yoing waist and a hat to cover my dirty hair, strapping my protesting infant into a carrier, packing diapers and blankets and pacifiers -- and by the time I got to the cafe I was a sweaty, anxious mess. My friend was wearing heels and looked sickeningly well rested.

'Oh!' she said, 'I didn't know you'd be bringing the baby!'

No, I thought I'd just leave him home alone, tended by our cats."

It seems that for many, the beginning of parenthood often spells the end of friendships. Former BFF's tend to drift away when you are no longer available at the drop of a hat to meet for drinks or other adult activities. The phone stops ringing and just when you probably need her most, your closest confidante is nowhere to be found.

As sad as that may be, it isn't the end of the world. Your new bundle of joy will also bring new adults into your life. Adults who will understand when you show up twenty minutes late for a lunch date with spit-up on your shirt. Or when you cancel that lunch date altogether because your potty training toddler refuses to put on pants. After all, that is why we try to make nice with other parents -- they get it.

People grow apart for all kinds of reasons, but nothing changes relationships quite like the addition of a child. What about you? Have you lost friends since becoming a parent?

[stormcris]

The article is very true but sometimes you have a rare friend that will still be around even after the baby.

[momofthree929]

I wouldn't necessarly say babies ruin friendships, but the fact that someone has a baby and none of their friends do can cause some separation. I had my first at the age of 17 and most of my friends who were a bit younger than me quit really hanging out with me. We are all still friends, and still hang out occsionally. I think it was more of the fact that I had to grow up so fast and they didn't that they distanced themselves, but for me it was more of the fact that they hated my now ex but the father of my boys. We talk alot more now that he's gone though.

[mamapaparazzi]

When I got pregnant and had my first child at age 20, most of my friends were the go-out-at-the-drop-of-a-hat party types. When I was not able to do so anymore, a lot of the relationships faded. A few survived, and for those I was grateful, but I don't blame the ones who drifted off... friendships are based on many things and a big thing is common interests, availability and priorities. When all of those things change overnight, like with a pregnancy and/or birth, it's natural that eventually a person's friendships will change.

One of the nice things that happened is that even with some friendships that faded, when those people had kids, I was back on their radar, LOL. So that was cool :).

[jajamama]

i was the last one in my group to have a child and it was very hard everyone else was laready past the baby years and on to todler issues and i was tryin to cope with having a new born and it seems once your child hits 3 you froget how hard that first year is and people would look at me like a was nuts when isaid omg im so tired they woudl say oh wait till hes 3 or 4 then you will know tierd. it drove me nutts because i was going through alot and they were trivializing it so i faded away from alot of people eaven those with kids. my son is now 2 and a half and i try really hard not to forget how difficult that first year was and be understanding to new moms the todler years have their own problems and they are hard too but not any harder than those of the first years just differnt

[athenax3]

I think it does happen a lot only because your lifestyle by necessity must change, your priorities, your outlook, your focus as a person SHIFTS, and until this happens to each individual most don't understand it, and so you start to lose track of the "going to a party that starts at midnight" crowd...

[forsythia_18]

This post is SO TRUE.  I'm 18 and I gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago.  Though I'm in love with him and in love with motherhood, it's very isolating.

[jzsgrandma]

   What is funny though is many of the friends that you loose because they are not in the mommy mode yet, come back around as soon as they become pregnant. My daughter lost all but one of her friends when she became pregnant. ( many she had all through school ) Slowly as they got married and started familys, they came back around, as they had just lost their friends.

[behappilyever]

i don't think they necessarily ruin friendships. having a baby adds a new element into the equation making it that much harder to balance out equality in your life. not only do you have less time and energy to devote to your friends, but your priorities are changed completely. you look at things in a new way. like instead of splurging on that $4 cup of coffee, you realize that the $4 couldbuy you gas to get to the park. or get the latest sippy cup. things will inevitably change when you have children and anyone not willing to stick around doesn't need to be factored into your equation. with them out of the picture that just gives you more time to spend on your little ones and search for people who are at the same point in their lives as you are in yours.

i also think that whether they have kids or not is irrelevant. i lost contact with a good friend of mine when i had my daughter. she had her own daughter that was 3 and up until i had my baby, we were very close, but after.... it was like we had nothing in common, even though we should have more in common now than ever. loss of friendships is going to happen with any major commitment (marriage, baby, moving, etc) so the important thing is to find a new like-minded support group and go with the flow.

[4kidz916]

Having a baby at an early age did change my friendships.  I was 20 when my daughter was born and the first of my friends to have a baby.  Eventually I felt alienated since I wasn't able to pick up and go at a moment's notice like I used to be.  It got to a point that I wasn't being invited anymore.  I found a new group of people to hang with, but the closeness never was the same.

[luchousdiva]

I don't think that they ruin friendships but people with kids tend to want you to drop what you are doing and when we have kids we can no longer do those things.  Some of my friends drifted away after I had my first child then after that it  just became easier to be friends with other moms.  They know what I am going through.