Hot Topic (June 1st): When is it OK to Lie to your kids?
When Is It OK To Lie To Your Kids?
Categories: Development, Childcare
Is lying to your children ever acceptable? Or should you always tell them the truth? Image: Amazon.com
Over at MomLogic, psychologist Dr. Cara Gardenswartz tells us about some of the lies that parents tell their kids. She suggests that these lies are not needed, and that the truth is a better path. It won't necessarily set you free. But it is better.
Some of Dr. Gardenswartz's examples are pretty straightforward. I would never say "The car doesn't work until your seat belts are buckled." I go with "Put your seatbelt on." While in a taxi with my son and one of his friends, the friend told me that his parents don't make him wear a seatbelt. I calmly informed him that he wasn't with his parents at the moment. After staring at me for a second with a look of shock on his face, he buckled up.
So in general, I agree. But I think there are times when it is acceptable to lie to children.
For example:Kid: "I want another cookie."
Parent: "We're all out."
While I have no problem telling children no, you can't have any more cookies, sometimes it's just easier to say there aren't any more. For me, I do this when I'm just too tired to be in the studio audience for an Emmy Award-worthy meltdown. Cop-out? Absolutely.
Situation: child wonders why mommy and daddy's door was locked at 10 o'clock at night. And what those funny noises were.
Depending on how old the child is, it's not the worst thing to tell them "Nothing. Go back to bed." Could you tell "the truth," and give a song and dance about how mommy and daddy love each other, and they were showing how much they love each other, and blah blah blah? Or come up with an elaborate and bizarre lie, like mommy and daddy were singing one of their favorite Yoko Ono songs? ("Ahhhh! Ohhhh! Ooooaaaaeeee!!!") Not worth it. Not everything requires an explanation.
I do disagree slightly with the good doctor when it comes to the death of a pet. I don't think the lie "Fluffy (the cat) went to live with Mommy and Daddy Cat" is a good idea. But "Fluffy died" (wait to see their response) seems a bit harsh. A dollop of sympathy, even "I'm sorry Fluffy died," seems more compassionate to me.
What do you think? Are there times when lying to children is OK? When? Or should we always tell them the truth, no matter what?
The only lie I can think of right now that parents tell their child is about what their privates are called. I think they should tell them and have them call them what they are. A penis and a vagina. That lie annoys me.
Lying is okay if it pertains to their saftey and health like the above article mentions. I agree that if you are caught having sex, depending on the childs age, you should just tell them. So is it okay that *most* parents lie about and have their kids beleive in Santa, Easter Bunny, etc etc?
Quoting Cafe GroupAdmin:What do you think? Are there times when lying to children is OK? When? Or should we always tell them the truth, no matter what?
Sure i think it is okay to lie to them. We tell our kids different things depending on their age and how the info will impact them.
We tell our kids that we are "talking" when the door is locked. Sometimes that is the truth and well sometimes it is not the whole truth.
We do the whole Santa, Easter Bunny and Toothfairy thing. When they start to ask questions we talk about it with them using open ended questions to see where they are and how thay feel. We let them know that when you stop believing he or they stop visiting. My oldest not longer gets those visits. We think it is a fun tradition.
Death we are straight forward with. We talk about if the person went to heaven and who they are visiting with and how happy they are.
My MIL told the kids that is they don't buckle up that they could go flying through the windsheild if she wrecked. So I guess we are pretty honest with that one. In fact they are now telling their frinds the same thing when they get in our car.
I think think everyone parents differently and do what they feel is right for their child. There is no right or wrong answer if you ask me.
Quoting cmb121906:The only lie I can think of right now that parents tell their child is about what their privates are called. I think they should tell them and have them call them what they are. A penis and a vagina. That lie annoys me.
Lying is okay if it pertains to their saftey and health like the above article mentions. I agree that if you are caught having sex, depending on the childs age, you should just tell them. So is it okay that *most* parents lie about and have their kids beleive in Santa, Easter Bunny, etc etc?
My son called his penis a peenie and that is what he was comfortable with. He came up with it and we are okay with it. Whatever makes him comfortable when he come to us to talk about a pain or something.
The minute my daughter was born I vowed to never lie to my children. My papa died when my daughter was three and she was very close to him. I told her he was too sick to stay on earth anymore and would be watching over her from above. So, if she wanted to talk to him she could talk to the moon and he would hear her. The day of his funeral she told me he was sitting next to her in the car. Do I feel that was a lie? No, I do not. It falls perfectly within my beliefs. There are different ways to present the truth and it is the way you say something that is important.
I have never been big on avoiding honesty, kids, spouses, friends.
I tried to divert the truth and iled to my DD not too long ago. Initially, I thought it was best, to protect her, but really it was just to cover my own fanny.
A friend pointed it out to me and I realized that it was of no benefit to her if I couldn't do the very thing I expect from her.
No, IMO there's never a time that it's ok to like to your kids.
There is ALWAYS time to have the conversations on an emotional and age appropriate level that they will comprehend, but I don't agree with lying.
this is a strange topic, I think it reflects a sign of our times. Everyone talks about Transparency, yet if there is nothing hidden would we even talk about it? Same goes for Lyeing to ANYONE, its not ok to lie especially if one is a parent; I may never lie to my daughters but if they witness me lie to another adult isn't it the same thing?
No its not ok.
IMO we ALL lie - and there is a place and time for all those small white lies that make life easier and kinder - the ones you tell your best friend when you say her butt does not look big in those white shorts or when you smile and say "thank you, it's great" for that hideous birthday gift or how about when you are comforting your loved one and tell them it will be okay (you have absolutely no way of knowing it will be okay)....I absolutely taught my children to lie - small white kind lies - where brutal honesty just does not belong. As for the big stuff - family skeletons, major life decisions, etc. we face those head on with the truth - and there has been plenty of times I wished to be able to sugarcoat life - but I believe that eventually the truth will be heard & lying about the big stuff will only delay having to deal with the issue.
I don't think it is healthy to tell kids everything thats going on in our lives. There are certain adult things in our lifes that they don't need to be a part of.
And yes the occasional white lie will certainly not hurt a child. When my daughter was little she had to go into every single bathroom she saw, and those that she didn't see. So we would "call" the store to see if the bathroom were open that day, and of course they never were. But if she really had to go while we were out they magically opened the bathrooms. Was I lying to her...yes. Was I hurting her, of course not.
Quoting christina0607:
It depends how you define "lie". Is leaving something out a lie? IS not offering information a lie?
I don't think it is healthy to tell kids everything thats going on in our lives. There are certain adult things in our lifes that they don't need to be a part of.
And yes the occasional white lie will certainly not hurt a child. When my daughter was little she had to go into every single bathroom she saw, and those that she didn't see. So we would "call" the store to see if the bathroom were open that day, and of course they never were. But if she really had to go while we were out they magically opened the bathrooms. Was I lying to her...yes. Was I hurting her, of course not.
That is funny. My kids also have a need to visit the bathrooms in every store or restraunt we visit.
Eight Year Old Girl Given "Catastrophe Award" By Teacher
- Cafe GroupAdmin
on Jun. 1, 2009 at 12:03 AM