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did you feel guilty when your child was diagnosed?

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this post is for any moms who has a child that has been diagnosed with something......

since the morning i found out i was pregnant, my biggest concern has been that something would be wrong with my child......i have been terrified that she would be born with some horrible disease, or would get something horrible later in life.

when she was born she had her umbillical cord wrapped around her neck twice and didnt breathe for the first ten minutes of her life.

six weeks after she was born i found out that during my pregnancy i actually had a placental abruption, and realized that i could have potentially lost her.

now she has been diagnosed with torticollis.....i realize that this isnt a horrible thing to be diagnosed with.  i guess it is somewhat common and infants  outgrow it.  and i also realize that there are so many other things out there that are  much more dificult for a child to be diagnosed with.

but no matter how serious the diagnosis is, i still feel so guilty and upset about it.  i feel so bad for my poor daughter and am so worried that she is in pain, and am also scared that she is going to have problems with development later in her life.  and i just feel like somehow i should be able to stop it.

so......has anyone else felt like this?

by on Jul. 16, 2009 at 9:51 PM
Replies (11-16):
by Member on Jul. 17, 2009 at 3:45 PM
Oh HELL YEAH!!!! I have so much guilt!!!! I BEGGED the the OB to take her 2 days before she was born... I was in L and D and I KNEW something was wrong... but they made me go home... They said I was fine and so was she..... If i had insisted more.... done something.... maybe she would not have had that stroke in the 2 hours before she was born... the guilt is enormous and has led to panic attacks at times....

                  proud-mom-two-kids.gif                                                                         Stefanie - Mom to Irish Twins Liam 7/07 (IUGR) and Molly 06/08 (IUGR,  Developmental Delays, Pre-Natal Stroke) and Wife to Mark since 2006.

by Member on Jul. 17, 2009 at 3:52 PM
I can't imagine a horror worse than a new mother being told there is something "wrong" with her child-other than losing the child all together. I think some doctors can be insensitive-diagnosing prematurely, sending the mother to the internet for more information. The internet often shows "worse case scenarios" sending a new mother over the edge. That is what happened to me, anyway. I cried so hard, for son long and became neurotic about looking for more symptoms. Docs diagnosed my son with "Neurofibromatosis" a disease starting with a multitude of birth marks, most likely growing tumors on nerve cells throughout life. Some tumors are deforming and there are learning disabilities associated also. Being a genetic disease, it would have had to be passed from my husband or I-or a mutation happened. Any of the causes were enough to down me in guilt. He is 3, and I no longer "look" for things to be wrong with him, and I do not really blame myself either. Time has made it easier....until the next symptom does show it's self.
by Member on Jul. 18, 2009 at 5:33 PM

My son's health issues are pretty minor, but are (I'm quite sure) related to the fact that he grew SO fast as an infant.  I don't feel guilty about it, because that's genetics, and nothing I could have done would have changed that!

I feel badly that he weaned at 14.5 months.  If he is ever diagnoses with asthma, allergies, certain cancers, digestive issues, etc., I will wonder if I could have prevented it by getting him to nurse for longer.  I don't know about GUILT, but questions, for sure.

He also had a bit of formula when he was first born, and I regret that.  If he ever has digestive issues, I will wonder about that, too.

On the whole, I have done everything I can to make and keep him healthy.  I quit smoking early in pregnancy, I tried to virtually eliminate trans fats, nitrates, aspartame, caffeine, and as many preservatives as possible from my diet.  I kept up with that while nursing as well.  Since he started weaning, I have provided him with the best nutrition I can.  Now that he's older, he gets junk food sometimes, but I know he's had a very good start in life, nutritionally.

Regardless of what we do, sometimes things happen.  I do the best I can with the knowledge I have, so that if something ever DOES happen, I will know that at least I did what I could to prevent it.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

by Cynthia on Jul. 18, 2009 at 5:48 PM

I never felt guilty or angry with God about any of it. I didn't take the time to find fault, I knew that the only way I was going to deal with the issue was to research everything that I could to find answers. I found that the worse feeling was not knowing so I spent years on the computer and wrote over 1,000 letters to every organization that could help me with some answers. When I finally knew more about it then the doctors---I was okay and I have been since....That doesn't mean I don't feel angry about it now 22 years later but my angry has never been misplaced and especially towards God...He has seen us through it all and still does to this day.

My daughter has more heart and soul then anyone that I have ever met. She is my Hero

by on Jul. 18, 2009 at 6:17 PM

i feel guilty for my son not talking.  i have read to him everyday since he was born, played with him, educational toys, spoke to him like a million times day to the point where i think he was tired of hearing me speak, lol, pretty much everything books told me to do, lol.   he is surrounded by others his age all the time.  they talk, he does not.  his doctor told me that if he does not say 2-3 word sentences by the time he is three, then we could discuss his development issues.  i was like, 'are you sure?', i sought the help of a speech therapist who visits him once a week, and she suggested sign language.  he understands the signs for 'more' and 'go', but we are trying to get him to do more signs.  she (therapist) said that eventually he would get tired of signing for what he wants and start talking, but i don't know.  i am going to see if i can find a developmental pediatrician, i am concerned about this and no one i have gone to seems to be helping ease my fears. 

btw, my son is 28 months and can only say "bye", "mama'' (but this is not directed at me and it is more like, "mamamamamamama"), and "uh-oh". 

i feel like it is my fault he is behind.  he did everything else early, walking, crawling, climbing, sitting up, drinking from cup, jumping, etc., he just doesn't talk.  every "professional" is telling me he should be saying like 100 words and some sentences by now, but they wont tell me if anything is wrong with him if he doesn't.

i just feel horrible about this.


by Member on Jul. 18, 2009 at 11:19 PM

I feel that part of what is wrong with my youngest is my fault, i was on the pill when i got pregnant with him, but other than that i don't remember anything different between him and my daughter. my x's bio mom tho is a bit behind don't know exactly what is wrong with her but you can look and listen to here and tell, but my youngest is severely developmentally delayed possible adhd and has a sensory processing disorder and really turned in feet and alot im finding out now. i knew he was delayed in speech due to the fact at 2-2 and a half years he wasn't even saying mama or anything so i got in touch with an early intervention program even tho the first ped lied on records to keep him from it and same with his feet said he would grow out of it. so since about 2 or 2 and a half he has worn inserts in his shoes been thru an early intervention program is in spec ed pre-k and speech therapy once a week and fixing to start o.t. soon yes i blame myself it hurts to see him try so much but he has came along way he can now run with his siblings and thanks to his speech teacher and pre-k he is saying alot more even tho its still not what a 4 and a half yr old should be saying. i blame myself for not being able to breast feed, which reminds me he had a pyloric repair at about 6 weeks old, so i wonder if all that he went thru with that added to the problems if me not being able to stay home and work with him did it but i was asked before i got married what would i do and well im doing it giving the best life with all the help i can get and give i just want to know what caused it it hurts me so much to see him struggle and i can tell it gets to him to. but as it was stated earlier i was given these kids the one with the problems cuz i am strong enough to take care of him and i wouldnt trade it for the world.

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