Hot Topic (8/17): Should moms drink while the kids play?
From MomLogic.com:
Should moms lay off the sauce?
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Jennifer Ginsberg: After my son was born, I became friendly with a group of women from my Mommy & Me group. We began hosting our own weekly playdates with our children. One day, my friend Lisa had a brilliant idea: "Let's all hang out at my house on Tuesday afternoon and everyone can bring a different bottle of wine!" Little did I know that these informal gatherings had a name -- the "cocktail playdate" -- and were all the rage among upper-middle-class moms who were striving to alleviate the stress of motherhood by getting together with other mothers and their children over a bottle of booze.
Many modern moms feel stressed, isolated, and lonely. Gone are the days when women gathered together to raise children communally -- where mothers naturally helped and supported one another. As new moms, we often feel scared, confused, and uncertain, for the rules that applied to our lives and careers pre-motherhood are completely irrelevant now. There are no gold stars, promotions, or "atta girls," even when we make it through the most challenging of days. We must often derive a sense of purpose and self-worth from our own intuition and personal ethos, not an easy thing to do in a culture that is obsessed with external validation. We long for a sense of connection, and strive to find a way to both take care of our children and have some fun and joy in our lives. Hence, the cocktail playdate concept was born, with the goal of merging the social needs of both mother and child.
It seems innocent enough -- a group of moms meet at someone's house over a bottle of wine or a pitcher of margaritas. For most people, drinking means camaraderie, friendship, and fun. It can also provide a sense of release from boredom and worry. Raising small children can be tedious and frustrating, and it has become socially acceptable for women to have a glass of wine to cope with the incessant demands of motherhood. Alcohol has been used as a social and emotional lubricant ever since man crushed grapes -- for many people, having a drink at the end of a long day can provide a wonderful sense of relief.
However, there is a dark side to this illusive coin that indicates, often subtly but sometimes glaringly, that mixing motherhood and booze can be detrimental, if not deadly. Popular mom writers who bragged about drinking with their tots in tow are now cleaning up their acts and hitting AA meetings instead of the bottle. Books with titles like Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore are flooding the best-seller table. So the question becomes, how did something that seemed so innocent and casual turn into a problem serious enough for some moms to say "no thank-you" once and for all to the ubiquitous cocktail playdate?
As a clinician and a mother, I find the trend of drinking during playdates both a bit tragic and potentially dangerous. It is a sign of concern when someone says they're drinking because they need stress relief, and when they are willing to go to extreme lengths to rationalize this behavior. My experience is that drinking can indeed relieve stress temporarily, but that there is a steep price to pay when using it to suppress feelings over time.
Yes, our kids challenge us on so many levels, and without any buffers, motherhood can feel overwhelming. But I believe that a child deserves a mom who is truly present, available, and able to respond promptly if needed. And no matter how much you believe that you are totally functional with half a bottle of wine in your system, alcohol alters your judgment and impairs your ability to drive home after the playdate is over. If there is anything we can garner from the horrific tragedy that resulted in Diane Schuler crashing her car into another vehicle head-on and killing eight people, let it be that alcohol and driving do not mix.
I also am concerned that many moms who have underlying feelings of depression and anxiety use alcohol to medicate these emotions. While getting buzzed certainly provides a temporary sense of relief, when you wake up the next morning, your problems are still there -- only compounded by a nasty hangover. When alcohol is used in this fashion, it offers a band-aid solution that will eventually stop working, and conversely increase feelings of despair.
How about replacing the cocktail playdate with a real support group where moms can share their insecurities and anxieties with each other without being judged? How revolutionary would it be for moms to convene in a safe and sober environment to talk about their struggles and offer one another a true sense of community and connection, instead of the false sense of conviviality that the high of alcohol only seemingly provides?
Are we ready to call the cocktail playdate what it is -- a lame excuse for mothers to hang out and get trashed while pretending to be doing something positive for their children? If motherhood is so challenging and difficult that the only way to cope is by knocking back a few hard ones, you may have a problem. I am not here to condemn women who drink alcohol in a safe and appropriate manner, but I believe that getting wasted with other moms and calling this a "playdate" crosses a major line.
I am not denying that drinking can be fun, totally fun, but it is definitely not compatible with complex tasks, like operating a nuclear power plant or tending to kids. Perhaps the playdate can even be an opportunity to teach children healthier forms of self-soothing through example.
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What do you think?
Should drinking alcohol during playdates be acceptable?
Should moms ever drink alcohol while their kids are around?
Up until this year, I NEVER had a drink in front of the kids. I don't know why, I just never did. But lately, It's been nice to have a beer at night. I don't drink it out of the bottle in front of them, I normally just put it in a cup, they know what I am drinking, but it's not in their face, like a bottle would be. I think every now and then having a drink is fine, but NOT to drink and then drive with your kids in the car, not ok. What is that setting for them. And not at all to drink while the kids are running around, what would happen if one of them got hurt, or worse. Not a chance I am willing to take.
i dont think moms drinking during playdates is a good idea at all...even though the time is a good chance for moms to talk to other moms and get some stress out, they are still responsible for their children and should be watching them, and they wont be able to do that if they are drinking....plus, how do you know what someone is like when they are drunk?? what if the moms are drinking and one kid hits another or takes a toy....if a mom has been drinking she may react to that much more irriationally and maybe even more aggressively than she would sober. it just isnt a safe or smart idea.
i do think moms should be able to drink sometimes in front of their kids....maybe at family dinners or cookouts....some occasion like that, but as long as they are smart about it and dont get totally wasted. and if the dad is there too maybe he and mom can figure out which one will drink and which one wont....but whoever does should still only drink a moderate amount.
I don't drink at all and there are many reasons, but this seems dangerous to me. First it is setting a poor example. Also if they are caring for the children and their judgement is compromised that can be an issue and I sure hope they are taking taxis home and not driving with their kids in the car....
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Parents shouldn't drink AT ALL. It's selfish, indulgent, sets a bad example and is totally unnecessary.
You have the time before you decide to start a family and after the kids are grown and gone to get drunk and act stupid. While you're a parent, you're focus should be on being the best role model and mother/father to your children.
I see no problem with it as long as the mom's aren't getting wasted and being respomsible. Why is it so bad for a mom to have a drink in front of there kid's anyway? My son has seen me enjoying adult drinks before. I see it as a good thing, they see adults drinking them responsibly and when they are older it isn't such a tempting forbidden thing.
Wow. One glass of wine does not make me act stupid or even get me drunk. There is nothing wrong with a glass of wine at dinner.
Quoting IhartU:
Parents shouldn't drink AT ALL. It's selfish, indulgent, sets a bad example and is totally unnecessary.
You have the time before you decide to start a family and after the kids are grown and gone to get drunk and act stupid. While you're a parent, you're focus should be on being the best role model and mother/father to your children.
Quoting stephy_85:
Wow. One glass of wine does not make me act stupid or even get me drunk. There is nothing wrong with a glass of wine at dinner.
Quoting IhartU:
Parents shouldn't drink AT ALL. It's selfish, indulgent, sets a bad example and is totally unnecessary.
You have the time before you decide to start a family and after the kids are grown and gone to get drunk and act stupid. While you're a parent, you're focus should be on being the best role model and mother/father to your children.
That's your opinion... it's still alcohol, has the capability to cause addiction and I simply view it as wrong. Just because you have the will power to not become an alcoholic, does not mean your children- who see you drinking- will have the same strength as they get older.
LMAO...sounds like YOU need a DRINK!
As long as someone is staying sober enough to care for the children if someone gets hurt..and as long as no one is driving the kids home intoxicated..why not?
We would have adult parties at night with the kids playing and the adults drinking...never getting sloppy drunk, but drinking...and it was always fine.
Quoting IhartU:Parents shouldn't drink AT ALL. It's selfish, indulgent, sets a bad example and is totally unnecessary.
You have the time before you decide to start a family and after the kids are grown and gone to get drunk and act stupid. While you're a parent, you're focus should be on being the best role model and mother/father to your children.
What doesn't have the ability to cause addition? People are additcted to shopping, better not go get those groceries! People are addicted to the internet, better stop responding and sell that computer! People are addicted to food, better stop eating!
Quoting IhartU:
Quoting stephy_85:
Wow. One glass of wine does not make me act stupid or even get me drunk. There is nothing wrong with a glass of wine at dinner.
Quoting IhartU:
Parents shouldn't drink AT ALL. It's selfish, indulgent, sets a bad example and is totally unnecessary.
You have the time before you decide to start a family and after the kids are grown and gone to get drunk and act stupid. While you're a parent, you're focus should be on being the best role model and mother/father to your children.
That's your opinion... it's still alcohol, has the capability to cause addiction and I simply view it as wrong. Just because you have the will power to not become an alcoholic, does not mean your children- who see you drinking- will have the same strength as they get older.
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