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Biological Mom vs Step Mom's

Posted by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
  • 121 Replies
1 mom liked this

Ladies this is a subject that is very controversial. Issues that alot of Mom's have very different opinions about. I would like to know what you think about STEP Mom's invading your role as a Biological Mother and what have been some of the issues surrounding this subject?

Understanding.. I feel there are alot of GREAT! Step Mom's out there, however there are some that are very controlling and vindictive. What is your take on this subject?


Renae



by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JakeandEmmasMom
by Platinum Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:05 PM
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I am not a step mother, but I do have a step mother.  In my personal experience, my family didn't deal with my step mom trying to invade my mom's role, rather it was my mother's jealousy of my step mom and her being unwilling to accept that she was now an authority figure in my life and part of my family.

renae7
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:20 PM


Quoting JakeandEmmasMom:

I am not a step mother, but I do have a step mother.  In my personal experience, my family didn't deal with my step mom trying to invade my mom's role, rather it was my mother's jealousy of my step mom and her being unwilling to accept that she was now an authority figure in my life and part of my family.

Thank you so much for your response. That's sad. Sorry you had to go through that. How did you handle that as a child and how did you come to the conclusion that it was your BIO Mom and not the other way around?

Why would Bio mom be jealous of SM? I had a step Mother too and none of these things were ever issues. In fact My Mother and Step Mother were great friends and still are. I just wondered how other families deal with these issues.

Thank you!


Renae

luckcharm
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I have both been a step mother and my kids also have a step-mother.

Being a step-mom didn't come with a lot of drama from my kids mother,  she was to busy doing drugs,  blowing Child Support at the Casino and picking up men to be involved with their lives.   All but one of my step-children were ordered to live with us by a judge to keep them out of Juvie.   But,  I told my step-kids that I understood that I wasn't their mother but I would be the one taking care of them so they would give me the respect that that deserved.    They had to follow the same rules as my kids did (modified a little due to the age difference).   When their Mom stayed clean/sober enough to be involved in their lives then I listened to her desires and emplimented the ones that didn't adversily affect our family.   I didn't try to take her place,  I just became another person who cared for/about my stepkids-  kids need all the help they can get.

As to my kids step-mother.   We sat down and talked when her and my ex moved in together.   I understand that she has house rules and rules for her family and I expect my children to follow them when in her home,  but she needs to understand the children are mine and my exes.  We have an agreement on how we want our children raised and she will respect that and follow it.   Their are things I thing are weird rules that she has but they aren't a danger to my kids so I don't fly off over those,   now when she was feeding my 6 year old at the table like a baby I put a stop to that,  when she told my kids since my daughter and son were family it was ok for one of them to go to the bathroom if the other one was taking a bath-  I stopped that.   

Its about understanding that you both care about the kids and want whats best for them,  but that their are lines you don't step over.

Now if you are a step-parent of a kid who's bio parent is completely gone those lines are pretty broad and the situation different.  

                   

CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:41 PM
9 moms liked this

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 

renae7
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:43 PM


Quoting luckcharm:

I have both been a step mother and my kids also have a step-mother.

Being a step-mom didn't come with a lot of drama from my kids mother,  she was to busy doing drugs,  blowing Child Support at the Casino and picking up men to be involved with their lives.   All but one of my step-children were ordered to live with us by a judge to keep them out of Juvie.   But,  I told my step-kids that I understood that I wasn't their mother but I would be the one taking care of them so they would give me the respect that that deserved.    They had to follow the same rules as my kids did (modified a little due to the age difference).   When their Mom stayed clean/sober enough to be involved in their lives then I listened to her desires and emplimented the ones that didn't adversily affect our family.   I didn't try to take her place,  I just became another person who cared for/about my stepkids-  kids need all the help they can get.

As to my kids step-mother.   We sat down and talked when her and my ex moved in together.   I understand that she has house rules and rules for her family and I expect my children to follow them when in her home,  but she needs to understand the children are mine and my exes.  We have an agreement on how we want our children raised and she will respect that and follow it.   Their are things I thing are weird rules that she has but they aren't a danger to my kids so I don't fly off over those,   now when she was feeding my 6 year old at the table like a baby I put a stop to that,  when she told my kids since my daughter and son were family it was ok for one of them to go to the bathroom if the other one was taking a bath-  I stopped that.   

Its about understanding that you both care about the kids and want whats best for them,  but that their are lines you don't step over.

Now if you are a step-parent of a kid who's bio parent is completely gone those lines are pretty broad and the situation different.  

I have to say, you have a pretty unique situation. I'm glad things have worked out for you and your family. Sounds like you are a very stable Mother and person!

AND... you are so right about the comment you made, that kids need all the help they can get. I agree.  Thanks!

Bennett121
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:45 PM
2 moms liked this

There are so many issues that surround this one subject! I will address one that has occured with someone I know, the stepmom trying to be the real mom, even going so far as to have the children call her mommy. Even tho they are uncomfortable with it. I think if step mom is a good person and reasonable things should be fine. If she is trying to replace bio mom, she needs to check herself.

EireLass
by Ruby Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:46 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm a Mom, with a very close relationship with my now grown children (29 & 26). They have a Step-Mom...since they were 11 & 8. I was always of the mind to NOT speak ill of their father or his wife....if I have issues with either of them, they are my issues, not my kids. However....that being said....my kids DO and always have had issues with the Step-Mom. But they've always been able to say it to her face, and to their Father. It is not a good relationship at all, but it's not my relationship. Although I'm not married, I'm in the Step-Mom role (the kid lived here). I made a point prior to the kid moving in, to make it very clear I DID NOT want to be a Mother to any more, and I would not parent the child. If I had issues with him, I would talk to my guy about it and he would deal 100% with it. It's a great relationship all around.

renae7
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:49 PM


Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy


Thank you for your opinion. I think SM should probably not interfere, on the flip-side, like one of the OP, a lady mentioned that kids need all the help they can get. I agree with that analogy. What I don't agree with is.. when SM is obviously being vindictive and saying things to the kids that are not true( hurtful things, and manipulative things about the BM), also, I think that if a parent, whether it is a step parent or non custodial parent, if they are criminals, that courts should enforce "supervised visits Only" at all times.


Thank you!

Renae

lwalker270
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm not a step mother, but I had one growing up.  My father had an affair with SM and left my mother to marry her, so needless to say, there was palpable tension.  To my mother's credit, she never bad-mouthed my SM or my father, or at least she never did in front of us.  My SM, on the other hand, often said negative things about my mother directly to us.  I don't remember her necessarily invading my mother's role as biological parent -- I feel like she saw my sister and I as a nuiscence more than anything.  She and my father had two children together and ended up divorcing when I was 19 or so.  While I adore my sisters, I can barely stand to be in the same room with my former SM.  I'm civil to her, but just barely. 

My dad has been with his current girlfriend for over 15 years and it's a much better situation.  We all get along and she and my mom are friends.  My dad, his girlfriend, my half-sisters and sometimes even their half-sister from SM's second marriage often come to my mom's house for dinner when we're all in town.  We were adults by the time they started dating, so we've always viewed her as a friend more than anything. 

kgsharber
by Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:53 PM
3 moms liked this

I think the more people that love my child the better. My ex is single, but when the day comes I trust his judgement to find a decent woman.

I would have never had a child with a man that would not put his children #1. 

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