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Ladies this is a subject that is very controversial. Issues that alot of Mom's have very different opinions about. I would like to know what you think about STEP Mom's invading your role as a Biological Mother and what have been some of the issues surrounding this subject?

Understanding.. I feel there are alot of GREAT! Step Mom's out there, however there are some that are very controlling and vindictive. What is your take on this subject?


Renae



by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
Replies (11-20):
renae7
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 2:59 PM


Quoting Bennett121:

There are so many issues that surround this one subject! I will address one that has occured with someone I know, the stepmom trying to be the real mom, even going so far as to have the children call her mommy. Even tho they are uncomfortable with it. I think if step mom is a good person and reasonable things should be fine. If she is trying to replace bio mom, she needs to check herself.

Ladies... I so appreciate everyone! This helps with perspective of things and I value everyone's opinion and place as a parent and a step parent.

I just created a new group its kind of a debate group. I hope to get help and help others with these issues. Thank you for all your help!

Renae

bestmom123
by New Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 3:03 PM

well my situation is this, i was put into a step mother role because my DH cheated on me & the result was a step child. I have3 kids of my own & my SD. She is young so she calls me mama, but I would never force her to do so. I love my SD the same way I love my own kids. She is a true blessing. I hope to be a positive loving influence in her life. However, I would never try to take away from BM. I personally can't stand the woman for sleeping with my DH, but that is my issue & I would not try to take away from her role as a BM. I lost my mother when I was 16 & NO ONE can replace her. I know that goes for my step daughters Bio mom also.

renae7
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 3:04 PM


Quoting bestmom123:

well my situation is this, i was put into a step mother role because my DH cheated on me & the result was a step child. I have3 kids of my own & my SD. She is young so she calls me mama, but I would never force her to do so. I love my SD the same way I love my own kids. She is a true blessing. I hope to be a positive loving influence in her life. However, I would never try to take away from BM. I personally can't stand the woman for sleeping with my DH, but that is my issue & I would not try to take away from her role as a BM. I lost my mother when I was 16 & NO ONE can replace her. I know that goes for my step daughters Bio mom also.

I think you are AWESOME!  : ) we need alot more SM like yourself!

Renae

JenE4
by Silver Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 3:14 PM
1 mom liked this

My kids have a step-mother and a step-father. Since they live with us, they are actually closer to their step-father than their dad. However, we support their relationship with their father and step-mother, and they go there every-other weekend and their dad takes them to dinner Wednesday nights, too. We don't have any issues with them, nor them with us. I don't go prying into what the rules are there or who says what about whom. I respect that whatever they have going on over there is what they feel is in the best interest of the children (they have two other children together, and my husband and I have a child together, too). And the kids (13 and 10) don't seem to have an issue with differing rules or what have you. I'm not worried about SM taking over or anything. I'm glad that she loves them and treats them well. She only sees them for 4 days out of 30, so it's not like she's honing in on my turf or anything like that. The kids also feel like the child I have with SF is the same as a "full sibling," while their other brother and sister are kind of more like cousins since, as I said, they only see those siblings for 4 days out of 30.

But, I feel for those mothers who do have a contentious relationship with the ex or the new wife! The best advice I could give is to "drop the rope" in the tug-of-war. Oh, for a while, I did let my ex get the best of me--pushing my buttons, goading me into fights. He would call me out of the blue with his wife yelling in the background, ranting and raving how he shouldn't have to pay child support. It really got to me and I'd start yelling back. It took a LOT of practice, but eventually I was able to always remain calm and if he'd start going on about taking me to court, I'd just respond as calm as could be, "I understand. You do what you need to do." And what could he say to that? I just kept affirming whatever he was saying until he stopped yelling. Of course, he never did bring me to court, lol. But after a few months he realized that he can't get me to fight with him as much as he tried, and now, a few years later, we haven't had a fight since. We're a lot more friendly and are understanding and willing to compromise when it comes to changing visitation days or whatever. So, as hard as it is, if you can stop seeing the ex or the SM as the "enemy" and put on a big, fake, happy smile and just "drop the rope," I guarantee things will get better. Good luck!

Jen
Mom to Emma, 13; Wyatt, 10; and baby Sofia...babies

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PestPatti
by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 11:11 PM

This is a wierd question for me to answer, because I am not a stepmom nor do I have one.   But I did something tonight, that goes along with the subject.      I attended a wake tonight.  The man was my sil (brother's wife) stepfather.   I think he was her moms 2nd husband.    His youngest daughter is 12.  Very nice young girl.    All the girls brothers and sisters were there.  As were their parents.    

 Normally I get confused, on who is  who.  But tonight, I just saw a group of people getting together for a little girl who lost her father.     It all seems to work well for them.   

nysa76
by Silver Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 11:24 PM

I have a step mom whom I consider my mom.  Biomom was not involved in the least, didn't meet her until I was 19.

I have two step kids who call me momma no matter how much I correct them, and when their father and I split for a while, their moms still let me have the kids sometimes.  My youngest has a near step mom, she's been with my ex for almost two years I believe.. She's a great lady.  There were some issues at first with toe stepping but they were never intentional and once we all just sat down and talked, we're good. 

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
IPAmommy
by New Member on Sep. 16, 2009 at 11:31 PM

I must say that they are some step mom's that are great parents.............  And there are some that try to over step and think that the are the real mommy, but I feel that boundaries need to be set before things are out of control..............  I personal know the side of the good vs. bad stepmom and that is a site to see!!!!!!!!!

nbr1sahm
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:10 AM


Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?

CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying


Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?


nbr1sahm
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?



I am custodial stepmom to SS who's BM is basically a POS. I don't talk shit about  her in front of SS, as a matter of fact I've bent over backwards to foster a relationship between SS and BM... which BM is simply not responding to. When DH and I got married, my entire paycheck went to pay for insurance premium for SS, Childcare, etc. I take him to the doctor, go to Parent Teacher conferences, Boy Scouts... and now I am his room  mother for the school year. 90% because I want to, and 10% because BM isn't around to do these things with him.

We have tried to coordinate visitations, of which she usually backs out. She doesn't pay CS as she is ordered to and hasn't now for 5 years. She doesn't send him toys for Christmas or his birthday (usually) and when she does they are second  hand dirty and usually broken. I can't remember the last time she has called, and when she does call to talk to him she takes no interest in his schooling, friends, etc. She is like a child herself who insists on 'playing' with him on the phone calling him childish names and saying "i'm gonna get you!"

I don't have the option to stay out of her way. If anything, her lack of involvement stands in our way of making sure SS does not feel abandoned or unwanted. I wouldn't have married DH if I wasn't willing to take on this role. DH travels a lot for work to make sure I'm able to stay home with the kids and provide BOTH of them with a loving home. I have the time to ensure SS has a good quality of life and I enjoy doing so.

So, I have taken on the role of his primary care giver. BM can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it. She made her bed, now she's got to sleep in it. I could care less if BM thinks I'm in her way and I've told her before how I feel with regard to her role and mine. SS even calls me mom and BM by her first name... *without* any help from me.

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