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Ladies this is a subject that is very controversial. Issues that alot of Mom's have very different opinions about. I would like to know what you think about STEP Mom's invading your role as a Biological Mother and what have been some of the issues surrounding this subject?

Understanding.. I feel there are alot of GREAT! Step Mom's out there, however there are some that are very controlling and vindictive. What is your take on this subject?


Renae



by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
Replies (21-30):
CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 10:53 AM

Yes I can see how non confrontational you are !     I  voiced and standby  my opinion , I have no interest   in your drama .   I am sure you are the exception .   

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?



I am custodial stepmom to SS who's BM is basically a POS. I don't talk shit about  her in front of SS, as a matter of fact I've bent over backwards to foster a relationship between SS and BM... which BM is simply not responding to. When DH and I got married, my entire paycheck went to pay for insurance premium for SS, Childcare, etc. I take him to the doctor, go to Parent Teacher conferences, Boy Scouts... and now I am his room  mother for the school year. 90% because I want to, and 10% because BM isn't around to do these things with him.

We have tried to coordinate visitations, of which she usually backs out. She doesn't pay CS as she is ordered to and hasn't now for 5 years. She doesn't send him toys for Christmas or his birthday (usually) and when she does they are second  hand dirty and usually broken. I can't remember the last time she has called, and when she does call to talk to him she takes no interest in his schooling, friends, etc. She is like a child herself who insists on 'playing' with him on the phone calling him childish names and saying "i'm gonna get you!"

I don't have the option to stay out of her way. If anything, her lack of involvement stands in our way of making sure SS does not feel abandoned or unwanted. I wouldn't have married DH if I wasn't willing to take on this role. DH travels a lot for work to make sure I'm able to stay home with the kids and provide BOTH of them with a loving home. I have the time to ensure SS has a good quality of life and I enjoy doing so.

So, I have taken on the role of his primary care giver. BM can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it. She made her bed, now she's got to sleep in it. I could care less if BM thinks I'm in her way and I've told her before how I feel with regard to her role and mine. SS even calls me mom and BM by her first name... *without* any help from me.


nbr1sahm
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 11:12 AM


Quoting CSRodriguez:

Yes I can see how non confrontational you are !     I  voiced and standby  my opinion , I have no interest   in your drama .   I am sure you are the exception .   

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?



I am custodial stepmom to SS who's BM is basically a POS. I don't talk shit about  her in front of SS, as a matter of fact I've bent over backwards to foster a relationship between SS and BM... which BM is simply not responding to. When DH and I got married, my entire paycheck went to pay for insurance premium for SS, Childcare, etc. I take him to the doctor, go to Parent Teacher conferences, Boy Scouts... and now I am his room  mother for the school year. 90% because I want to, and 10% because BM isn't around to do these things with him.

We have tried to coordinate visitations, of which she usually backs out. She doesn't pay CS as she is ordered to and hasn't now for 5 years. She doesn't send him toys for Christmas or his birthday (usually) and when she does they are second  hand dirty and usually broken. I can't remember the last time she has called, and when she does call to talk to him she takes no interest in his schooling, friends, etc. She is like a child herself who insists on 'playing' with him on the phone calling him childish names and saying "i'm gonna get you!"

I don't have the option to stay out of her way. If anything, her lack of involvement stands in our way of making sure SS does not feel abandoned or unwanted. I wouldn't have married DH if I wasn't willing to take on this role. DH travels a lot for work to make sure I'm able to stay home with the kids and provide BOTH of them with a loving home. I have the time to ensure SS has a good quality of life and I enjoy doing so.

So, I have taken on the role of his primary care giver. BM can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it. She made her bed, now she's got to sleep in it. I could care less if BM thinks I'm in her way and I've told her before how I feel with regard to her role and mine. SS even calls me mom and BM by her first name... *without* any help from me.


That's the unfortunate thing about the internet... our words can be perceived much differently then we intend them to be. Like your statements... I perceive them as down right bitchy... but I'm sure that's not how you meant them.

How does my post appear confrontational? I was simply showing that many stepmothers are the exception and not the rule.

JenE4
by Silver Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 11:23 AM

I'm just going to jump in here and say that I understand what both of you are saying. I agree with CSRodriguez that no matter how crappy an absent parent is, a step-parent must go out of their way to try to "good mouth" rather than bad mouth the parent, saying how much the parent loves him/her, etc. because otherwise that child is going to go through a phase where even if it WAS the absent parent's fault, they'll blame the parent or step-parent who's there. Trust me, when the child grows up, they'll know the absent parent was a POS and will appreciate that the step-parent went out of their way to be loving and to never say what a POS the absent parent was, lol. And nbr1sahm, you are an awesome SM! Your SS is SO lucky to have you! It sounds like it's REALLY hard, and you go out of your way to do right by your SS. Keep up the good work! As I said, for as much as you might feel unappreciated now, your SS will absolutely know how much you sacrificed for him and will figure out on his own as an adult that who needs that POS mom when he already has the most wonderful (step-)mom!

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

Yes I can see how non confrontational you are !     I  voiced and standby  my opinion , I have no interest   in your drama .   I am sure you are the exception .   

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?



I am custodial stepmom to SS who's BM is basically a POS. I don't talk shit about  her in front of SS, as a matter of fact I've bent over backwards to foster a relationship between SS and BM... which BM is simply not responding to. When DH and I got married, my entire paycheck went to pay for insurance premium for SS, Childcare, etc. I take him to the doctor, go to Parent Teacher conferences, Boy Scouts... and now I am his room  mother for the school year. 90% because I want to, and 10% because BM isn't around to do these things with him.

We have tried to coordinate visitations, of which she usually backs out. She doesn't pay CS as she is ordered to and hasn't now for 5 years. She doesn't send him toys for Christmas or his birthday (usually) and when she does they are second  hand dirty and usually broken. I can't remember the last time she has called, and when she does call to talk to him she takes no interest in his schooling, friends, etc. She is like a child herself who insists on 'playing' with him on the phone calling him childish names and saying "i'm gonna get you!"

I don't have the option to stay out of her way. If anything, her lack of involvement stands in our way of making sure SS does not feel abandoned or unwanted. I wouldn't have married DH if I wasn't willing to take on this role. DH travels a lot for work to make sure I'm able to stay home with the kids and provide BOTH of them with a loving home. I have the time to ensure SS has a good quality of life and I enjoy doing so.

So, I have taken on the role of his primary care giver. BM can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it. She made her bed, now she's got to sleep in it. I could care less if BM thinks I'm in her way and I've told her before how I feel with regard to her role and mine. SS even calls me mom and BM by her first name... *without* any help from me.


That's the unfortunate thing about the internet... our words can be perceived much differently then we intend them to be. Like your statements... I perceive them as down right bitchy... but I'm sure that's not how you meant them.

How does my post appear confrontational? I was simply showing that many stepmothers are the exception and not the rule.


Jen
Mom to Emma, 13; Wyatt, 10; and baby Sofia...babies

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nbr1sahm
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 11:28 AM


Quoting JenE4:

 And nbr1sahm, you are an awesome SM! Your SS is SO lucky to have you! It sounds like it's REALLY hard, and you go out of your way to do right by your SS. Keep up the good work! As I said, for as much as you might feel unappreciated now, your SS will absolutely know how much you sacrificed for him and will figure out on his own as an adult that who needs that POS mom when he already has the most wonderful (step-)mom!

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!

It's upsetting when people assume the worst out of SM's. I'm not perfect my any stretch of the imagination and BM (although I think she is a POS and would NEVER say anything like that around SS) I still hold out hope that she will eventually become more involved for SS's sake... and I'll never stop trying to make that happen. I honestly try to see the best in her, but sometimes it's just plain hard to do. And if going outside to smoke a cig while venting my frustrations by calling her every 4 letter word in the book is what gets me through the day sometimes, then so be it. LOL!

CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 11:37 AM

That is my point   Jen 

And yes there are  many good steps  but the bad are the ones that  unfortunaly    put a bad taste in societys mouth    they are also the ones that hurt the kids ,  The  bio dads  are POS when they let it happen

In this case with custody obviously the stepmoms role is  more than the  Bi and  I am sure bi mom  lost it for a reason,

However in most cases  the man lets the step mom call for   visitation  and  behavior issues  because she dosn't want him talking to his ex.  How friggin immature  ! Imo

 The parents should be the ones talking about their child  not  the step mom.

Also in your case the POS opinion sounds like it is from your knowledge of the  woman ,  but in many cases a woman decides another woman is a POS because of some mans word , I think that is  deplorable .


 

Quoting JenE4:

I'm just going to jump in here and say that I understand what both of you are saying. I agree with CSRodriguez that no matter how crappy an absent parent is, a step-parent must go out of their way to try to "good mouth" rather than bad mouth the parent, saying how much the parent loves him/her, etc. because otherwise that child is going to go through a phase where even if it WAS the absent parent's fault, they'll blame the parent or step-parent who's there. Trust me, when the child grows up, they'll know the absent parent was a POS and will appreciate that the step-parent went out of their way to be loving and to never say what a POS the absent parent was, lol. And nbr1sahm, you are an awesome SM! Your SS is SO lucky to have you! It sounds like it's REALLY hard, and you go out of your way to do right by your SS. Keep up the good work! As I said, for as much as you might feel unappreciated now, your SS will absolutely know how much you sacrificed for him and will figure out on his own as an adult that who needs that POS mom when he already has the most wonderful (step-)mom!

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

Yes I can see how non confrontational you are !     I  voiced and standby  my opinion , I have no interest   in your drama .   I am sure you are the exception .   

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 

If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I will be honest  I think a man that trash talks the  mom of his kids is a peice of shit , and a woman who wants a guy like that is  and idiot .

If you get in the way of a bio mom  and her kid   I have no sympathy

 


What if you don't have a choice but to 'get in the way', as you say?



I am custodial stepmom to SS who's BM is basically a POS. I don't talk shit about  her in front of SS, as a matter of fact I've bent over backwards to foster a relationship between SS and BM... which BM is simply not responding to. When DH and I got married, my entire paycheck went to pay for insurance premium for SS, Childcare, etc. I take him to the doctor, go to Parent Teacher conferences, Boy Scouts... and now I am his room  mother for the school year. 90% because I want to, and 10% because BM isn't around to do these things with him.

We have tried to coordinate visitations, of which she usually backs out. She doesn't pay CS as she is ordered to and hasn't now for 5 years. She doesn't send him toys for Christmas or his birthday (usually) and when she does they are second  hand dirty and usually broken. I can't remember the last time she has called, and when she does call to talk to him she takes no interest in his schooling, friends, etc. She is like a child herself who insists on 'playing' with him on the phone calling him childish names and saying "i'm gonna get you!"

I don't have the option to stay out of her way. If anything, her lack of involvement stands in our way of making sure SS does not feel abandoned or unwanted. I wouldn't have married DH if I wasn't willing to take on this role. DH travels a lot for work to make sure I'm able to stay home with the kids and provide BOTH of them with a loving home. I have the time to ensure SS has a good quality of life and I enjoy doing so.

So, I have taken on the role of his primary care giver. BM can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it. She made her bed, now she's got to sleep in it. I could care less if BM thinks I'm in her way and I've told her before how I feel with regard to her role and mine. SS even calls me mom and BM by her first name... *without* any help from me.


That's the unfortunate thing about the internet... our words can be perceived much differently then we intend them to be. Like your statements... I perceive them as down right bitchy... but I'm sure that's not how you meant them.

How does my post appear confrontational? I was simply showing that many stepmothers are the exception and not the rule.

 


texanmommy
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 11:44 AM

I am a step mom, I have been for a long time now. At first I tried to be friendly with the bio, but she has issues. When the kids came to see us, I made sure they had a great time, we went to the movies, out to eat, we went camping, and to the beach. I tried to take them all the places that I could remember going as a child. We went to water parks and amusement parks. I always planned trips for their summer vacation.

They are teens now, with a life of their own, and there have been issues that can only be laid at the bio's door. She is a deplorable excuse for a human, and that is compounded by the fact that she is a horrible mother.

The only thing I have ever said to them about their mom was this last year when we found out about her taking them out of school and having them lie. I told them it was wrong of their mother to ask them to lie, but especially wrong in having them lie to their father.

DaisyRae
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 12:04 PM

I am the biological mother in my situation, and legally there is no step-mother...but this is my experience and opinion. I have no problem at all with someone else being in the role of Mother to my children, as long as they love my kids and dont abuse them then there is nothing wrong with them having another authority figure and role model. My ex has a girlfriend who I loved (LOVED, no longer care for her now) so very much. She and her family accepted my kids as if they were her children. I loved how the respected me and made sure my kids were cared for as best as they could. Then the problems began. Slowly they became very disrespectful and my kids werent being taken care of properly anymore. She would talk to me about it, since she isnt a mother herself she wanted to make sure she was doing the right things. Then it turned into me acting like I am somehow the perfect parent and they are somehow horrible people because of some of the concerns I had. Final straw was when my kids came home covered in flea's and their car seats infested with roaches. When I called them in tears about it and informed them that the kids would not be back until they took care of the bug problem, she calls us back cussing up a storm. Tells us we can take our Mother Effing kids and shove them up or Mother Effing asses because we always act like we are so Effing perfect and we're not. Just a bunch of cussing and complete ignorance! I lost all respect for her and her family that day. I do not want my kids going back over there...mostly because my kids told me that she told them that I dont love them!  There is a fine line between being a loving Step-Parent who has respect for the biologial mother, and being a power hungry step parent who seems to think they gave birth to the kids after being in their lives for 2 years. Its a hard situation to be in. But I think that there are way too many amazing step-parents out there who love the children and respect the other parent. having a negative opinion about it would be wrong.

EireLass
by Ruby Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 12:40 PM

Exactly. when stepson came to live here, I told his Dad he needed to fully be the parent. And given that his Mother is still alive, he didn't need another. I do not care for the Mother's character, and to prevent any stress in myself, I chose to step back from parenting him. And if the Father and Son have issues with the Mom, that's their business, and not mine. Regardless of liking/disliking the people involved, you have to respect their position and step back. Maybe that's what being a "step" is really about....stepping back.

I grew up with a StepDad. He deferred everything to my Mother. And because she had so much love and respect for him, we only knew to follow in kind, as did he to us.

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:


 



mghtymffn
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 12:52 PM

my son has a stepmom, whom i hate with a passion, my ex cheated with her while i was pregnant with my son, and now they are married, i have gotten over the fact that he cheated, because of it, i met a wonderful man who is now my husband, but unfornunately, because of my ex cheating, his wife does not want him around me at all, she does not want him talking to me either, which makes it difficult to raise a child without communciation. She has also taken my son when he was baby, i had the police go get him.  She really just wants me out of the picture, so my ex, and son, and herself can be the perfect family.  As far as i can tell, she is not bad to my son, but she has already said negative things about me  to my son, my son comes home and tells me, he is almost 4, i just tell him to tell her, that it hurts his feelings for her to talk about his mommy and God would not approve(supposedly, she is a christian).  We don't talk about her at all, in my home, unless it is positive, i have no problem that she is in my Ex life, i think the more people who love my son the better, now i just have to get them on board with the program

loving wife to Michael, and mommy to xavier
grammie6
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 12:55 PM

I have been a step-mom for 16 years.  My husband's first wife left him and their 2 kids when they were toddlers...I married him when they were 5 and 8.  Birth mom has had very little contact with them since.  I am their mom...

I think moms or step-moms that have issues with each other do so because one or both of them are feeling insecure about where there place is with the kids." Luckily I never really had this problem with my stepkids mom but I did run into an issue with MY ex new wife.. She was a very insecure person... 

coast guardGrammie6

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