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Ladies this is a subject that is very controversial. Issues that alot of Mom's have very different opinions about. I would like to know what you think about STEP Mom's invading your role as a Biological Mother and what have been some of the issues surrounding this subject?

Understanding.. I feel there are alot of GREAT! Step Mom's out there, however there are some that are very controlling and vindictive. What is your take on this subject?


Renae



by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
Replies (31-40):
mghtymffn
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:05 PM
1 mom liked this

i think also that alot of problems with stepmoms and real moms is the stupid father involved, he says one thing to his woman, and another to the real mom, that in itself can cause friction.

loving wife to Michael, and mommy to xavier
CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:12 PM


Quoting EireLass:

Exactly. when stepson came to live here, I told his Dad he needed to fully be the parent. And given that his Mother is still alive, he didn't need another. I do not care for the Mother's character, and to prevent any stress in myself, I chose to step back from parenting him. And if the Father and Son have issues with the Mom, that's their business, and not mine. Regardless of liking/disliking the people involved, you have to respect their position and step back. Maybe that's what being a "step" is really about....stepping back.

I grew up with a StepDad. He deferred everything to my Mother. And because she had so much love and respect for him, we only knew to follow in kind, as did he to us.

Quoting CSRodriguez:

I think the choice is always there  stay out of it  ,  Let daddy deal with issues pertaining to his children  , if you get custody or what ever because maybe bio mom is  having issue ,  You need to  not trash talk her,    YOu also need to let the guy talk about his kids with the mom  with out the jelous bullshit   It is bussines they have kids .

If they are talking about things other than thier kids then there relationship was not finishe to begin with ,

I am talking basic respect   

 If you get in a relationship with a man with kids you gotta be ready for the  thorns in the bed of roses    Is all I am saying

 

Quoting nbr1sahm:

 

Quoting CSRodriguez:


 



clappingThat is all I am saying

CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this

That is what I am saying t he  Father sets the stage in these things  So pic  you leading character wisely  lol

Quoting mghtymffn:

i think also that alot of problems with stepmoms and real moms is the stupid father involved, he says one thing to his woman, and another to the real mom, that in itself can cause friction.


lolamac
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:26 PM
1 mom liked this

No blanket answer for this one really, each family is different and the dynamics are different for each family.

For me (who is remarried) my children never really had a SM. Meaning their father was living with a woman for 5yrs that pushed herself into that role, but never filled the shoes; the whole SM or SD and BM or BD thing is about boundaries and keeping the best interest of the children in mind regardless of the feelings between the adults. In any divorce the real vicitims are the kids and they suffer the most. Sadly some adults loose sight of that and focus on their pain and how they can feel vinidcated, even at the expense of their kids.

The SM (that is no longer in the picture) pushed herself into the mothering role for my children, when they already had a mom that was VERY much involved in their lives. She would call places pretending to be me, she had no boundaries and my ex urged her on. Now she is no longer in my childrens lives and I am. Do you see where I am going here.....no matter what the mom will be the mom and the dad will be the dad, no one can take that place, no matter how long they hang around. The kids do not get visitation with her, they will never see her again....and trust me that was hard on my youngest, who never knew a time without her.

Bottom line, push aside your pride and reconginze your boundaries. Put the kids first in all you do.

CSRodriguez
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 1:29 PM


Quoting lolamac:

No blanket answer for this one really, each family is different and the dynamics are different for each family.

For me (who is remarried) my children never really had a SM. Meaning their father was living with a woman for 5yrs that pushed herself into that role, but never filled the shoes; the whole SM or SD and BM or BD thing is about boundaries and keeping the best interest of the children in mind regardless of the feelings between the adults. In any divorce the real vicitims are the kids and they suffer the most. Sadly some adults loose sight of that and focus on their pain and how they can feel vinidcated, even at the expense of their kids.

The SM (that is no longer in the picture) pushed herself into the mothering role for my children, when they already had a mom that was VERY much involved in their lives. She would call places pretending to be me, she had no boundaries and my ex urged her on. Now she is no longer in my childrens lives and I am. Do you see where I am going here.....no matter what the mom will be the mom and the dad will be the dad, no one can take that place, no matter how long they hang around. The kids do not get visitation with her, they will never see her again....and trust me that was hard on my youngest, who never knew a time without her.

Bottom line, push aside your pride and reconginze your boundaries. Put the kids first in all you do.

yes that is the bottom line !

Jamie1972
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 2:21 PM

although i havent seen my step daughter in 7 years i still consider myself a step-mom. and when she did come for visits i tried =not to act like a mom to her. although it was hard since i had my own children.i was trying to be her friend. a person that she could count on come to with any kind of problem. she did ask me when she was 4 years old if she could call me mommy. i told her i was not comfortable with that, that im not your mom iam your friend. that u already have a mom and she is the only mom u will ever had. but the 2 years that we did have her for visitations we were very close. i played with,took her places,when it came for discipline i told her father and he took care of it.  but due to her mom and that family my husband lost contact with her and hasnt seen or talked to her in 7 years. they have just recently started talking again. so who knows what the futrue will hold for all of us, but she knows we are there for her if she ever needs us.

vlester
by Bronze Member on Sep. 17, 2009 at 7:44 PM

I'm not  a step-mother but I have one  and she is a witch. She has been around since i was 12 and she has and still is jealous of me and my mommy, like are you serious. My mom being the person that she is, is always nice to her and I was too until she got into with me and my dad's side of the family so I don't forgive so easily like the rest, i hold grudges and i just don't know how to be fake just my personality. My mom taught me if you don't have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all, so thats what i do not say anything at all or else I would be all down her throat cursing her out. I don't hate people thats out of my character but she was and still is the only person I hate.

miss146mn
by on Sep. 17, 2009 at 8:05 PM

My mom is on her 3rd marriage and my dad is on his second.  My mom has been a SM twice, and has done an OK job, IMO.  I don't have a lot to do with my SM, and she was pretty uninterested in me until we moved to CA.  She and my dad lived in TX. most of my life.  I don't know why, I usually feel I just wasn't "worldly" enough for her, and she never seemed to want children of her own.  We get along together pretty well these days though. 

IMO, and experience, the trouble between SM and BioM stem from adults not acting like mature adults.  I try to be understanding that divorce is a difficult and emotional situation, but it's just so hard to see parents behaving spitefully towards each other in front of, or in a manner that affects the children.

CafeMom Tickers
MommaAmy2
by New Member on Mar. 26, 2012 at 10:01 AM

I am a step-mom and I have children of my own that have had a step-mom in the past. I have also had a step-mom myself. I feel like the more people who love my child, the better. As long as a step-mom is treating my children with love and fairness, I will welcome her into our lives. I believe that if a step-mom wants to attend any events, conferences, etc. with me then she is more than welcome to. As long as I know about the appointment, conference, etc. and have been given the option to attend as well, this is not an issue for me.

On a seperate note, I have a wonderful sweet 5 year old step-son whose mom has to be the most relentless, devious, meanest woman I have ever met. She has had me kicked out of two conferences this year alone. The last one was just last Thursday. The principal apologized but stated that whoever registers the child has that type of say. My husband has joint custoday and we are in the middle of a custody battle. We just called our attorney to find out how far she can push this as there is an upcoming easter egg hunt at his school and we are afraid that she will ask the principal to not let me attend. I would think that she would be happy that I love her son, but she doesn't really want his father or me involved in his life. Being a biological mother myself, I only want the best thing for my children. But, she constantly hurts our little one while trying to get back at his daddy and I. Very very sad... it breaks my heart for him. 

Mommy_of_Riley
by Jes on Mar. 26, 2012 at 10:10 AM
Everything depends on their personal situation...

I have a crappy bio mom and an okay step mom. So speaking from my experience.... If the bio mom isn't involved or is a crappy mom and the step mom steps up then I think you give her credit. Many don't see their step kids as "their own" and treat them differently... That was my problem. I wasn't my step mom's REAL kid so I got left out of a lot. It hurts.
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