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Ladies this is a subject that is very controversial. Issues that alot of Mom's have very different opinions about. I would like to know what you think about STEP Mom's invading your role as a Biological Mother and what have been some of the issues surrounding this subject?

Understanding.. I feel there are alot of GREAT! Step Mom's out there, however there are some that are very controlling and vindictive. What is your take on this subject?


Renae



by on Sep. 16, 2009 at 1:50 PM
Replies (41-50):
jlo1313
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2012 at 10:23 AM

Controlling and vindictive step-mothers are a product of jealousy and insecurity or not knowing what to do.  Unfortunately, when you marry another with children, there is much out of your control when those children are in a shared parenting/visitation situation.  There is not any amount of education or preparation that can get one ready for being a step parent.  Boundaries are different in every situation, people are different, ages of the children is a huge factor and the quality of the parents are a huge factor. 

I dated a man who had two kids the same age as mine.  His ex was jealous, controlling and manipulative.  It didn't take me long to run the other direction because as much as his kids adored me in the beginning, they started to be the product of her jealousy and I couldn't deal with it.  I refused to allow their behavior to change me and change the way I parented my own children or to expect a different outcome of them than my own children.  Eventually, I realized that it wasn't going to create a happy environment for me or my children so I was quick to exit. 

C does not have children, but he has taken on his role as "step father" very well with my kids.  He was slow to be seen as an authority figure and quick to be their friend and give them respect and respect their boundaries.  That taught them to give him respect and respect his boundaries.  I never had to verbalize rules of parent bashing with him, he knew that going in.  It is the most damaging thing a step parent can do in the eyes of a child.  When we have problems at home, he just calmly talks them out, there are no demands or threats.  It is very different than what I grew up with on both sides with step-parents.

Happymamax2
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2012 at 10:33 AM
As a step-mom to a teen, I stay out of their business! I have been in my step daughters life for over 7 years. I don't care for her mom much, but I respect her as the mother regardless. I do not butt in. I offer my opinion with my dh, because I have lots of opinions! Lol. My step daughter can come to me with anything, but I defer to her parents when I see fit.
ThatGirlJJ
by on Mar. 30, 2012 at 1:53 PM

KG,


gosh, I wish you could be the mom of my step kids.  she made a wonderful man sleep in the guest room for 5 years before meeting.

I offered to take her to lunch so that she could get to know who was spending time with her kids.

she refused and just wants to yell at DAD about any little thing. 

she used to call me and email all the time with her gripes before I spoke to attorneys.  When she found out that I may take her to court for harassment, she only bothers dad now.

Your kids have a smart mom.

StandUp4Me
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:09 PM
I am a stepmom and a bio mom as well. My stepdaughter's mom is the bio mom from hell. She thinks my place is the ATM and that is all. I treat my stepdaughter as my own. She bad mouths me constantly and my husband will not stand up for me and it hurts. I just want her to stop. I do not disrespect her ever out of respect for my SD. I was reading previous post about boundaries. What are they? I have dealt with this for 10 years now and I can't take it anymore. I don't want to cut my SD out, but that is what is going to happen and it's her mothers fault. I just can't be treated like this anymore. I have my own to worry about. It's so bad that its making me sick. I love my SD so much. All of this breaks my heart.
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FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:13 PM

Boundaries need to be set between the bio parents and all step parents should respect them.

Often times, the bio parents are not on the same page and either, or both, will allow the step parent full reign in regards to the children.

In my opinion, that is wrong.   I made that mistake.  

The woman involved with my ex husband, step mother or not, she crosses the line consistently.  I will always be there to push her back.

PamR
by Pam on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:44 PM

I am a stepmother, to now grown stepsons.  I would only say don't try to step into the mother role as long as your stepchild's mother is still in his or her life.  Being a stepparent is not easy and it's hard to know what your boundaries are.  The first thing my stepson said to me after I was married was that if I was mean to him, he was going to tell his mother.  He was about 5; there's no doubt that throught came via mom.  And that's fine, I understand her concern about another woman coming into her son's life.  Biological parents need to get on the same page with their parenting and they need to respect the role the stepparent has in their child's life.  The adults should work together for the good of the child and let their own personal issues go.

Sekirei
by Nari Trickster on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I had a step mother.. i hated her

I hope that my son is never in the position that My husband and I were as children. If we were to divorce, it is agreed that we would not date until the kiddo is at least 16 or 17.

Denisethedaring
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 5:15 PM

Well, I had a stepmother, and my sons have a stepmother...my stepmother was horrible.  My sons' stepmother is all right; she's been decent enough to my kids--my only real complaint is when she and my ex badmouth me in my children's hearing, which I made a point of not doing about them in my children's hearing until I found out that they were doing so.  (Though to be honest, I only managed one badmouthing session right after I found out--I haven't done it since, I just don't care enough. :) ) .  She certainly hasn't usurped my role as mom--I have no idea if she ever wanted to or tried to or not, though. 

Hansmom7
by New Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 4:07 PM
So...here is my issue. I have a 7 year old. His dad and I split up when he was around 7 months old. He started dating the girl he cheated on me with and eventually married her. She is very immature. He was 21 and she was 16 when we broke up and he started dating her. I found out right after his second birthday that they were making my son call her mama ____(her first name). So I questioned them about it and they made up this lie claiming that he started calling her that. Which I find really strange because I started dating a guy about three months after we split and he was around him a whole lot more than he was around her because they only got him every other weekend and every other holiday. So, why didn't he ever call the guy I was with daddy if that was the case. So along and along its been years of dealing with this and numerous fights because they seem to think that it is alright for him to call her that. Now, don't get me wrong I am glad she is good to my son. I just think she is overstepping. She acts like it is a competition between me and her. She says things to my son about me. One is I just graduated from college and my son is excited for me and so he goes and talks about it to them and her response was that she has already been to college. Which she doesn't know that this is not the first time I have went back to school, but I think that making statements like that is just childish. Who cares who went to school first. It is different things she says here and there. Now, back to the issue. So we have had discussions about it because he has called me saying that our son is crying saying that he can't call me mama anymore. I explained to him that it wasn't right what they were doing and asked if I did the same thing, asking him if he would be okay if I made our son call someone else daddy and he replied no. This has gone on for years and years and recently it has become an issue again because my son came home from over there saying that you know why I call her mama _______ because I decided to and she says there is nothing you can do about it. So, I told my son that it was not right for them to make you call her that and that he doesn't have to. I also told him that he could start calling her stepmama _________. So the next time they got him, as soon as he saw her he told her that and she told him that, I told you, you can call me whatever you want. Funny how just two weeks before that she told him that there was nothing I could do about it, but when she was in front of my face it was a different story. They also have a child together and they made the comment that it doesn't matter because their daughter sometimes goes around the house calling her mom by her first name instead of mama. So, now he is with his dad for his summer visitation and I spoke to him today and he tells me that he had to just start calling her mama because it is confusing their daughter because when they tell him to tell her to take whatever she has to her mom and he only calls SM by her first name, their daughter doesn't know who he is talking about. Which is a load of crap because just two months ago they said that their daughter was already going around calling her by her first name so obviously she knows who my son would be referring to. Okay so that is it. Sorry so long, but I need help. Any advice on how to deal with this? I am at my wits end. Do not know how much more of her I can take before I blow up on her.
lga1965
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 4:13 PM

 I don't know ...but when you want to make a word plural, you don't use an apostroph. It is not mom's. It is MOMS.

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