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Unwarranted Advice from your parents

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:29 AM
  • 6 Replies

 Does anyone else have nagging parents that are constantly questioning how you raise your kids?  Or say, "Well I did it this way with you and you turned out fine."   UGH!  I'm so sick of the unwarranted advice.  It's my turn to be a parent, damnit! 

Both of my parents are on my ass about not getting my 9 month old either of the flu shots.  Now, tonight, I got the lecture about how I'm sheltering her by not putting her in daycare.  I am a full time work at home Mom.   I am just getting sick of justifying why I do what I do.  I feel like I am making the best choices possible for my child and our family.  And the ones that I thought would be the most supportive are now the most combative.  Anyone else going through this?  How do you handle it?

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:29 AM
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by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:36 AM

You need to tell them you are the parent and your child is your responsibility. Explain to them that when it pertains to your child everything is on you. I had to do that with my oldest and eventually they eased up. They give advice now but they are soooo much better with it. I think because you are first time mom thats why they are loading on the advice. Btw you arent sheltering your child from not putting her in daycare, you can save the money and just join a moms group or you can take your child to a park. And as for the flu shot to me thats a useless shot, I never had the shot and I rarely get the flu.

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:38 AM

i have that problem not only with my side of the family but with dhs side as well. I basically told my mom look i love you and i know you want whats best but im the parent and the choices that i make for my child are my choice. there are boundary lines and when im here those lines dont need to be crossed. when im not around then your the "parent" you dont have to like my choices but its my child, my dad is very supporitve of what i told them, he knows how it was so he sometimes intervenes and tells my mom not her battle to choose or not her child, now if it was some mundane bad decision i would expect them to say something to me but not in front of my child. Now dhs family on the other hand doesnt respect any of our boundaries or choices. everything we do is wrong and we are constantly critisized by them. even dh says that his mother isnt the best parent as my 13 yr old bil is a perfect example. he is pretty much on a lane of no return with juvie. so i feel she has no right to tell me how to raise or not raise my child. dhs grandmother always says dont do this or dont say that to that child while dh or I are correcting him for something and i just wanna scream but out of respect i dont say anything i let dh say something. This past weekend ds told dh to shut up, and both of us about come unglued, as mil has taught him to say shut up. dh popped ds in the mouth and told him firmly you dont tell adults to shut up thats not nice and its disrespectful. Dhs grandmother says dont you smack that baby or yell at him. ds is 2 1/2 and sometimes he doesnt understand that he cant say some words that adults say. I walked intot he room and told her to mind her business not her child not her choice. mil didnt like that very much so dh and i left with ds. its not an easy position to be put in, but just tell your parents how you feel maybe they will be like my parents and understand. they had a chance to raise you and hopefully they know they did a great job and know that you will make the best choice for you and your family. good luck cuz i know how frustrating it can get!

I'm Heather, I'm 21 years old, I'm a nursing student,  I'm a breastfeeding/formula feeding, non-circumcising, vaccinating, co-sleeping, disposable diapering, spanking when needed, forward faced at 1, bi-curious, I feed my son whatever he wants in moderation, teenage mommy who has already broken the stereotype. Wife to Joey since 01/06, mother to David James since 07/07, and trying for baby number two!

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:45 AM

 You just have to let them know that it's your job to be the parent now and that they get to be the grandparents who get to spoil them. It's totally up to you how you raise your kids. There isn't just one way to do things.

 My FIL used to comment or try to step in when it came to disciplining our DD. He finally got it when my DH wanted my DD to do something and she started crying. My FIL told my DH to stop because his rule is that "he's not allowed to make her cry in his house" and to leave her alone. My Dh told her to do what he asked again and my FIL didn't like and said that it's his house so he had to go by his rules, so my DH got up and put their coats on and said "My kid , my rules" and got up and walked out.

Good luck!!!

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 1:46 AM

Yes.  My Mom is a meddler, and when she visits with my Dad, he runs interference for the most part.  "Judy - they didn't ask you!"  But recently she stopped in between art workshops and spent the night, without my Dad.  (We live about 2 hours apart.)  When it was time for the kids to clean their toys and go to bed, they didn't, and we threatened to take away toys and the kids whined and screamed, and we raised our voices.  My mother started in on us about "verbal abuse" which is the biggest load of horseshit in this case...  This is only hours after I told her I remembered her and Dad having violent fights when I was growing up, the police coming... she sat there and denied all of it then had the nerve to accuse ME of being abusive for asking my kids to pick up.  GAHHH!!!!  

Anyway - what I'm doing right now is I didn't return her last call.  What I usually do is say "If we want any advice we'll ask for it" and quickly change the subject or make an excuse and get off the phone or leave the room.  Repeat ad nauseum. 

You can also try reminding her of when she was a new parent and wanted to figure out HER own way.  I'm sure she had inlaws and parents questioning her as well, and one way to broach the subject (when you're NOT in the thick of it) is to ask her casually if that ever happened to her. This would probably be the most amiable approach.

Good luck and peace,


by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:33 AM

I just tell my mom to back off, that I am the mommy she had her turn.  She usually does, sometimes she gets mad and won't talk to me for like a day, but oh well....


happy halloweenfalling_leaveswitch

by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:39 AM

 I'd handle it like I handled advice from doctors when my kids were little.  I'd smile and nod and then do what I wanted to do.

No point in arguing.  Just listen, be polite and then do what you want.  No need to defend yourself.  They are your kids; you get to make your own choices.

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