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Will he hate me?

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 3:54 PM
  • 10 Replies

OK, this has really been weighing on me lately. I know I won't have to deal with this for a while, but I am a planner.

PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME. MY ACTIONS ARE PUNNISHMENT ENOUGH.

I love my son. He changed my life for the better, and honestly, after 13 months, I can't remember life before him. He is my world.

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. We will call him L. We split up because I found out he was married! ASS!!! anyway, after a few weeks, I went out with my sister and bff. I ran into an old boyfriend who we will call J. We hit it off again and ended up sleeping together that night. We began dating again, but since we lived far away from each other and both had crazy work schedules, we really never got to see each other. We called it quits, and split on good terms. We still talked to eachother about once a week. Well, after that, I found out I was pregnant. I figured it was the married guys, and thought he had a right to know. After telling him I regretted it. I can't even look at this guy without wanting to rip his face off! He showed no interest in the baby and that was fine with me. He already has 2 lil girl from his wife.

Well, after I went in for my ultra sound, the Dr. Said the conception date was beginning to mid November.  The first time I slept with J was Nov. 9Th, his b day. The last time I slept with L was Halloween night. So when the Dr said mid Nov, I thought I made a mistake and the baby was J's. Here is where it gets bad. J and I took a DNA test and baby is not his. He knew that there was a possibility that he wouldn't be the daddy, so we were both OK. Still friends to this day.

Now here is my problem. Because I can't stand L I don't want to talk to him, or want my son to have anything to do with him. He is a drunk, neglectful father to one of his daughters, and his wife is crazy! I mean it! She would come to my job and just sit in her car starring at me inside! She would drive by my house honking her horn all the time, follow me around in the grocery store, call me at all hours of the night. She even called the police and said  I was abusing my child! I was still pregnant!!!

Anyway, as much as I detest him, I feel my son should have the option to decide what he thinks about his dad for himself. I can't stand this guy and don't trust him to have my son at his house with that crazy girl there. I moved to Ks and he still lives in Co. I'm not sure if I should call him and offer to let him see his son for the first time or just forget about him completely.

Will my son hate me if I tell him the truth when he asks about his dad? I won't bash his dad to my son, but I think he should know about him if he asks. I am so confused, and worried about what may happen in the future. Any advice?

by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 3:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
youngmom33
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 3:59 PM

Always be truthful with your child, but be age appropriate. Do not bash his father, just tell him the truth without being ugly. A 4 year old does not need to know all the details ( ya know ). As long as you are honest with him it will not backfire in your face.  

redneck_proud
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:00 PM

If it was me I really would not worry about it right now. He will not hate you, he will eventually know the truth about his dad and will make a decision if he wants to see him or not. But I agree you should never bash the other parent in front of the child that is good that you will not do that.  Good Luck!

mommyk5
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:04 PM

this sounds bad I know, but the first thing I thought of was to lie and say he died or something and never tell the dad either.  But I am not in the situation, and I know that is probably the wrong thing to do.  Sorry.

aznblond9
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:05 PM

WOW! That is a tough situation. I would probably do the same thing you are doing. I hope as your son gets older he will understand why. I would not let my son in that environment with a drunk and a crazy wife. You do what is best for your child and hope he will one day understand the reason why. Best of luck to you.

candygirl1030
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:06 PM

When your son asks questions later on, don't bash and there is no need to tell him his father is an ass or anything...they all discover that on their own (my kids did)-you can tell him that even though you aren't with his father he gave you the best gift you could ever get...your little boy.   I will almost bet that someday you are going to meet Mr.Right and that's who is going to be your son's Dad....it is not DNA that makes a Daddy...it is the one who takes care of you and loves you.  Good luck and enjoy your son...don't worry too much about it. :)

ImHisMommy
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:11 PM

My mom allowed my dad to be a part of my sisters and my life but I would have rather him not be in the picture at all.  He caused more problems then he did good.  If he isn't a good guy then that will become apparent to your child as they age and they will not blame you.  I would say considering all of the background with the guy, both you and your child are better off without him!

charmgirl
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:19 PM

You regretted telling the father in the first place..re-read what you wrote, and re-visit those old feelings to remind yourself of what you think should take place. in my opinion, you should let him be. When your son is old enough to start wondering, AND MATURE enough to handle the situation that he's wondering about, theeennn I would give the "father" a chance at showing himself.

On another note...I cant say I TOTALLY blame the wife for acting like a nut, because if she didnt know about him cheating, i'm sure there have been some strong emotional? issues with her too. However...lol there is a point where she shouldnt be like freakin watching you and calling you all hours of the night.

tyfry7496
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:28 PM

I agree. My son is 13 yrs old and has had very little contact with his father. My son now knows why his father and I are not together..he knows the truth. I never badmouthed the loser around my son, I asked him on occasion if he wanted to see his father but he never wanted to. In April, his father came around for 2 weeks and disappeared again. We left a relationship up to my son and he didn't want one. My ex had the nerve to ask me to sign off on child support; he wasn't worried about a relationship with his son, just the money he has to pay. I refused and daddy dearest disappeared.

My son is an intelligent, respectful, polite and mature teenager. It doesn't matter if a child has 1 parent or 2 parents, it is how the child is raised.

You cannot determine how your child will react, he is too young at this point. As long as you don't lie, don't badmouth the father, your son should be fine. Good luck!!

Oh, you can't force someone to be a parent, don't even try.

Quoting youngmom33:

Always be truthful with your child, but be age appropriate. Do not bash his father, just tell him the truth without being ugly. A 4 year old does not need to know all the details ( ya know ). As long as you are honest with him it will not backfire in your face.  


tyfry7496
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:29 PM

This WILL guarantee your child will hate you later in life. NEVER lie to a child, NEVER tell a child that a parent died when they didn't, that is just WRONG.

Quoting mommyk5:

this sounds bad I know, but the first thing I thought of was to lie and say he died or something and never tell the dad either.  But I am not in the situation, and I know that is probably the wrong thing to do.  Sorry.


ballewal
by on Oct. 29, 2009 at 4:35 PM

Don't lie to you kid. Tell him (age appropriate) about his father. And when he's old enough, he'll find out for himself what a loser his father is. 

I'm not going to summarize myself in a paragraph because I'm not the kind of mother you expect me to be. 

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