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WHY? WHY? WHY??

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:08 AM
  • 11 Replies

My sister is married to a man, who is a good dad, and goes to work and does things okay most of the time.

Heres where the problem sets in: He belittles her in front of most of their friends, posts things on his fb that are just wayyy innappropraite, like a picture of them at their wedding with him, his brother and her, he cropped the picture and now it just shows his brother and her, implying that they are having an affair or something.

My sister does everything for this man, together they have 4 kids, two of which are not his.

They go out together and have a few drinks, and he sits in the corner and mopes. She goes out to have fun, so she dances with other girls, and other guy friends. not once at this party did he say he wanted to go home, they were out until 4 am. the next morning, she was asleep at 8, he goes in and wakes her up telling her that shes not allowed to sleep. While the night before he went to sleep in their car, instead of partaking in the fun.

And that day, he falls asleep on the couch while shes up cleaning and cooking, and taking care of all 4 kids... What the hell???

they just had a ceremony for their wedding. THREE WEEKS AGO! They have been married almost a year legally.

Is it just me, or is this Way wrong? He never buys flowers, never hugs on her, never compliments her on how nice she looks, etc.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. I feel so badly for her, but its not like she can just pack up 4 kids and leave, she has no where to go. I told her she could stay her, she lives in Iowa, and I live in Missouri. (Not to far, but not in the same state) I told her I would send her money, etc.

Hes not violent yet, but shes afraid that if she gets loud again, (Yelling) That he might hit her.

Thanks ladies!

by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
peanutsmommy1
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:09 AM

emotional abuse is abuse just the same...

sounds like they need counseling or she needs to get out

 

Lakemom22
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Thats what I said. But he refuses to get couseling. He said hes fine, theres nothing wrong with him. (But isnt that the whole problem??? ) That he thinks that theres nothing wrong with him??

All the while, his family threatens her, saying that you cant leave him now that you have married him! WTH is that all about??

Quoting peanutsmommy1:

emotional abuse is abuse just the same...

sounds like they need counseling or she needs to get out


jat82
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:14 AM

wow that is bad. I agree she needs to get out. If she has kids with him she probably wont be able to leave the state.. he will be able to legaly stop her. HOWEVER... and i'm speaking for personal experiance here... just because he does not hit her does NOT mean that she should stay. I stayed with a man for 6 years telling myself that he puts a roof over my head, he is a (mostly) good dad.. he doesnt hit me so i just have to deal with the verbal abuse, the horrible way he treats me, the cheating etc. well she doesnt. There are soooo many resources out there once she gets on her own. It will take a hit to the pride to get on state aid but she will have to do it to get help to feed her kids and to get medical insurance. But she will need to have some money to get a place to stay. AND if he is, or she thinks he may become violent i would recomend a restraining order as soon as she moves out. And she wil need lots of people to show up with boxes and trucks to throw stuff in boxes and get her out fast if thats the way he is.

Hope it helped. my prayers are with her. Its hard but life is much brighter on the otherside.

Lakemom22
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:17 AM

yeah, I just dont get it. I wouldnt for a minute think that was okay for my husband to act. HES MY PARTNER. And hes just not acting like one...

I want to cry, because if I could, I would move her myself, ya, know?

luvmygirls-rdkr
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:19 AM

as a former abused wife, I understand completely from experience.  It's too hard and scary to leave but things get worse.  It took me 5 years to leave my ex abuser.  It started with the belittling and rudeness, then it slowly turned violent.  I'm not saying all abusers are like that but the possibility is enough for me.  Make sure that no matter what you keep the offer open and you stick with her.  she will need your undying support and love.  my sister gave up on me before i could get the courage to leave and i had to leave and be alone.  be a better sister to yours and ALWAYS be there for her.  above all else don't criticize her because if you haven't lived it you cant understand the emotional turmoil she is going through for real.  JUST LOVE HER. she needs you

Lakemom22
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:29 AM

Thank you, I just promised that I would always be here for her! And I wont break that promise.

I grew up with my father acting like this, thats why its scaring me! I will do anything for her. And I know that if I ever needed anything, she would be there for me too! In a heart beat! Thanks for your reply!

Quoting luvmygirls-rdkr:

as a former abused wife, I understand completely from experience.  It's too hard and scary to leave but things get worse.  It took me 5 years to leave my ex abuser.  It started with the belittling and rudeness, then it slowly turned violent.  I'm not saying all abusers are like that but the possibility is enough for me.  Make sure that no matter what you keep the offer open and you stick with her.  she will need your undying support and love.  my sister gave up on me before i could get the courage to leave and i had to leave and be alone.  be a better sister to yours and ALWAYS be there for her.  above all else don't criticize her because if you haven't lived it you cant understand the emotional turmoil she is going through for real.  JUST LOVE HER. she needs you


canthaveboys1
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:41 AM

Are those kids his? If so and she leaves she may be in trouble for crossing state lines. I never understand why people put up with that kind of crap. I would never. I am really sorry she has to deal with this, and I hope soon she will see the light that she deserves better than him. He sounds like a real asshole. 

Lakemom22
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 12:06 PM

Yeah, he is, they were all out having a family BBQ or something, and my sisters husbands brothers son, got hit in his privates, well they usually do the kiss it make it better thing, so the little 4 year old, goes kiss it daddy! and his brother said, no, not there buddy... you gotta tough that one out... LOL...

Then her husband chimes in, let Candy kiss it, shes always willing, and is in the market for younger men anyways... !

Like, really??? WTF???? everyone was like, thats soo not cool. He just walked away laughing.

I am just at a loss as to what advice to offer her.

And since the cerimony was only like 3 weeks ago, she doesnt want to go and file for divorce... Which I can understand... but I would never ever stay with someone like that.

I just want to be able to say, okay, these are your first steps, ya know?
And I dont know what to tell her.

Lakemom22
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 5:09 PM

Anybody else?

Just need some tips on what to tell her... Anything...


Not saying the previous people didnt help, Im just making sure there arent some more people with some tips on what she should do/say, etc.


For the momma who asked if the kids were his, yes, two are his the other two are from a previous marriage.


Thanks

canthaveboys1
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 5:12 PM


Quoting Lakemom22:

Anybody else?

Just need some tips on what to tell her... Anything...


Not saying the previous people didnt help, Im just making sure there arent some more people with some tips on what she should do/say, etc.


For the momma who asked if the kids were his, yes, two are his the other two are from a previous marriage.


Thanks

Invite her over to your house so she can see what your relationship is like with your husband. Maybe than she will see that is not acceptable. Sorry I dont have anything further I am a pretty blunt person and I wouldnt be able to beat around the bush. Especially if it was my sister.  

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