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DH & I disagree on whats acceptanble in marriage...(a little long)

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:50 AM
  • 19 Replies

My DH and I have been married for almost 2 years, we still don't see eye to eye on alot of things that are or are not acceptable in marriage/family life. He thinks that its okay to have younger friends & party with them during the work week until 4AM. (when he has to be up for work at 6AM.) They are younger, don't have responsibilites, love to drink in excess amount, some are in relationships, most are single. He also thinks that its okay to text and talk to other guys girlfriends( who he just met at one of these parties). Not just a hey how are you text. Like a good 40 messages back and forth. All while he's supposed to be working. I don't think its gone past texting but then again I don't know because I don't go to these parties because Im home with our 2 DD and because I dont think there is a need for him to have friends like these people. My husband doesnt think that his responsibilites/priorites and some of his "life" should have to change "just because we have a kid and got married" (his words). We have other friends who are married and have families, and there is not the same partying and texting with them. He has other female friends from years ago that he talks to and that doesnt bother me. But I know them and he has known them for years. I asked him why he feels the need to do these things and he says he needs "me" time for himself. Well I am a SAHM mom who doesnt get time for myself. He works 8-5 M-F and goes skateboarding after work probably 3 times a week. When I go anywhere its to the grocery store with my DD. I don't want to go out and party with a younger crowd because I am happily married and would rather spend time with my husband and family. We havent had a date in I honestly dont know how long...I just dont think its needed or acceptable...Am I wrong?

**Mrs.Duarte**

by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
themountainmama
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:54 AM

If you're happily married, as you say you are, then what's the problem?  My guess is you're not happily married due to all the issues you have with your husband that you listed in the post.  You sound like a level headed, responsible mom.  Hopefully your husband will come around and consider what you're saying and you guys can make positive progress on your differing views.  GL! 

prestonjohn
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:54 AM

I think you should sstart doing it and see how he likes it

ballewal
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:55 AM

That would have been something I would have taken care of before he became my husband. That's just unacceptable to me. 

squidsmommy
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 10:59 AM

You clumped  a lot of questions into one, but here goes. I see nothing wrong with him going to parties as long as he's not doing anything destructive in your eyes. My SO used to have a coke problem, if he still did, he knows he wouldn't have his family anymore, but going to a party and drinking with other people (doesn't matter to me ages) wouldn't be a problem as long as he's not drinking and driving. Texting other women, that's a problem (to me). Especially if they're women he just met. I find that unnecessary and disrespectful. I completely understand that people need their "me" time. I have just started turning it around on my SO and leaving our daughter with him while I go visiting friends. If you want to go out with your husband, talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. You need to be able to go out together to reconnect.

nikkiJ86
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:00 AM

There is nothing wrong with him going out and having fun.And there is nothing wrong with him ahving friends that are younger than him. And if you don't have a problem with him having female friends,then him texting the women shouldn't matter. How often does he go out?

MrsDuarte54
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:00 AM


Quoting ballewal:

That would have been something I would have taken care of before he became my husband. That's just unacceptable to me. 


It wasnt like this before we got married. Well that I knew of, then again we werent on the same cell phone bill. I found all of the text when I went to see why my cell phone bill was so high. The partying is also new. We used to go out together and I didnt have to worry about it. Now he goes out and I stay home.

witchfantasy
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:05 AM

Ah, memories... my ex-dh did this all the time, except the only difference. He didn't work for more than 3 weeks at one place 'cause he could never pass a drug screen after being questioned about unexplained absences. He's the type that if someone doesn't want to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, he'll blow up like a lil' child. (Still trying to figure out why I married him, besides the kids) Either way, he is my ex now for just those reasons, well that and he went into one of his "been on drugs for 3 days, come home, and pass out" coma's when he was supposed to be watching our then 6 month old son and 2 ½ year old daughter. Well we almost lost our son that day thanks to him passing out and not waking up to the screaming my son was doing, while I was at work.

I would honestly give him an ultimatum, either he stops acting like a child or you're going to take your kids and leave him. It took me 5 ½ years to figure out that he was a loser and I finally left him and am happy with my DF. Don't let it go too far.



Proud Mommy to 3 monsters and owner of Pagan siggies and graphics

MrsDuarte54
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:07 AM


Quoting squidsmommy:

You clumped  a lot of questions into one, but here goes. I see nothing wrong with him going to parties as long as he's not doing anything destructive in your eyes. My SO used to have a coke problem, if he still did, he knows he wouldn't have his family anymore, but going to a party and drinking with other people (doesn't matter to me ages) wouldn't be a problem as long as he's not drinking and driving. Texting other women, that's a problem (to me). Especially if they're women he just met. I find that unnecessary and disrespectful. I completely understand that people need their "me" time. I have just started turning it around on my SO and leaving our daughter with him while I go visiting friends. If you want to go out with your husband, talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. You need to be able to go out together to reconnect.


Its not the going out that I have a problem with its that he doesnt know when to say okay Ive had enough and come home. I think its too much to drink to the point where you fall asleep on someones couch and come home after 4AM. And like I said Its not the fact that they are female its the fact that they just met at one of these parties and there is a 5 year age difference which means that she doesnt have a job to worry about in the morning and she doesnt have a wife she should be asleep with at 4AM. I have asked him to go out but its hard because we dont have family around to watch our DD. I try to be creative with at home dates, movies and whatnot but it never works.

nikkiJ86
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:09 AM

How old is your husband?

Quoting MrsDuarte54:

 

Quoting squidsmommy:

You clumped  a lot of questions into one, but here goes. I see nothing wrong with him going to parties as long as he's not doing anything destructive in your eyes. My SO used to have a coke problem, if he still did, he knows he wouldn't have his family anymore, but going to a party and drinking with other people (doesn't matter to me ages) wouldn't be a problem as long as he's not drinking and driving. Texting other women, that's a problem (to me). Especially if they're women he just met. I find that unnecessary and disrespectful. I completely understand that people need their "me" time. I have just started turning it around on my SO and leaving our daughter with him while I go visiting friends. If you want to go out with your husband, talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. You need to be able to go out together to reconnect.


Its not the going out that I have a problem with its that he doesnt know when to say okay Ive had enough and come home. I think its too much to drink to the point where you fall asleep on someones couch and come home after 4AM. And like I said Its not the fact that they are female its the fact that they just met at one of these parties and there is a 5 year age difference which means that she doesnt have a job to worry about in the morning and she doesnt have a wife she should be asleep with at 4AM. I have asked him to go out but its hard because we dont have family around to watch our DD. I try to be creative with at home dates, movies and whatnot but it never works.


RoodMomm
by on Nov. 16, 2009 at 11:09 AM

Many of these issues should have been dealt with BEFORE you got married. But since it's too late for that, you have some options....if you really dislike it and you don't think he's going to change, there's nothing to do but leave. Unless you want to remain miserable, that is. It doesn't appear that you two share the same ideas, and if he's not willing to compromise at all, then it's not ever going to work. Will he go to counseling?

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