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PIOG... I need some advice with this CRAZY SITUATION..

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:04 PM
  • 14 Replies

 

Please bear with me as I try to put all this in to words.

Let me start of with some background I am not Japanese but my DH is. We have one DD together and I have one from a previous relationship. DH is great to her and has adopeted her and all. She doesn't know who her sperm donor is and to her my DH is her one and only father. My husbands family lives in JAPAN and we have never met them talked to them or seen pics of them vice versa. I truely believe that they have no idea we exist and I think that it has to do with the fact that I have a daughter that isn't his biologically, and I wanted to know if in Japanese culter if they don't accept that. I have tried talking to him many times and he always gets on the defensive and it turns into a huge fight so I just drop it. His mom is always sending him care packeges with japanese food and during the holidays she will send a card and always write his name and the name of his dog that he had b4 we came along. I find it odd that it never says or name or even our family name. I also find odd that our DD is 2 and a half and they have never seen a picture of her or either of us! When my mother calls me she always wants to speak with my DDs she is always on skype with them she is absolutly nuts about them so to me it all points out that they have no idea we exist. Every time he calls them he goes into a different room and he is always speaking japanese to them so I have no idea what is being said. Sorry for rambling on but it is just too much going. Any advice is greatlly appreciated, I really need it. THANK YOU.

UPDATE:

Last night I remembered that he had told me his password once so I decided to try to check his emails. I was able to get into them and read all of the emails he has saved between himself and his father. All of the emails are talking about changing his father's address for him everytime we moved. Sending him money to cover his expenses, asking how much he needed and for what and how he was spending it all. Also speaking about our big move out of state asking about expenses again, his new job how he was the move was " he" safe and my husband replying "I" got here safe thank you, "I" am liking it so far "I" am trying to set up the apartment and get settled in. Neve did either of them mention "us". So now with all of that I can't tell myself anymore lies it is pretty obvious that they really don't know us. But where do I go from here? I can't just walk up to him and say I read the emails, right? ARGH this is all eating me up and I just sick to my stomach I hate it all.

Thank you all so much for trying to help, I really appreciate it.

 

by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
swizzlefiz
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:10 PM

Maybe its b/c you aren't Japanese?


Pita_Dragonfly
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:12 PM

If you  have  moms address I  would send  her pictures of  you  3  and tell the  dog  died  too.

I would  get  her  email  and then  send  her  an  email of  your   yahoo  account.

Yep  she  might  be shocked  but they  might not like  a lying son.

I  would also  record  what  he  says and  take it to  an interperter.

tanya_marieh
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:14 PM

This is what I was thinking.  They might possibly think that he is dishonoring the family if he doesn't marry a Japanese girl.  Good luck.

Quoting swizzlefiz:

Maybe its b/c you aren't Japanese?


MommyOnLI
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:16 PM

depends on how cultured his family is.

Japanese men are regarded very highly in their home country... usually they have white "mistresses"

coming from a Japanese guy whose entire family is still in Japan... he is still single..but can only speak about the Japanese women he dates to his family...

MommyOnLI
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:16 PM

also, did your DH legally adopt your other DD?

5under5
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:24 PM

The Japanese culture is very different from ours.  From my experience they don't show much emotion or at least not like we do.  Also, my husband's ex-wife (who is Japanese and lives in Japan) is still single.  She said she feels she will never meet anyone because she has a child (my step-daughter) from another man.  So I think it is looked down upon.  And my step-daughter was teased for awhile at school because she is half American.

I have a great relationship with my husband's ex and daughter.  They have always been very nice to me and our boys.  She sends Christmas gifts and birthday gifts.  And we send gifts and tons of pics thoughout the year.

In your situation, I'm not sure why he hasn't told his family about you, but you should discuss it with him asap.

Good luck!

.smiles.
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:30 PM

Yes, he did.

Quoting MommyOnLI:

also, did your DH legally adopt your other DD?


.smiles.
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:31 PM

From what he has told me they are not very "traditional". They lived in the US for about  10yrs and also have lived in many other countries. My DH has only been to Japan himself a few times.

Quoting MommyOnLI:

depends on how cultured his family is.

Japanese men are regarded very highly in their home country... usually they have white "mistresses"

coming from a Japanese guy whose entire family is still in Japan... he is still single..but can only speak about the Japanese women he dates to his family...


behappilyever
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:47 PM

it sounds like he is trying to hide you from his family. forgive me if i seem rude, i just got done reading an article about a man who kept two different lives so that's where my mind is lol. i wouldn't suggest going behind his back about anything. he may have a good reason for it and he may feel like keeping you in the dark is a way to protect you. i would however express to him that you are his wife and in any committed relationships, communication is key.

i would tell him the things you told us (without mention of the emails cuz that wasn't a good move on your part imo) but ask him why your daughters haven't met his family. why YOU haven't met his family. why they were not around when you guys got married and pregnant. i would have been asking this a long time ago. how long have you two been together and married? because now it just seems like its the norm and that's probably why he gets irritated if you bring it up. i would definitely not be okay the situation you are in and talking to him, no matter how irritated he gets, would be the only way to solve things. good luck, i hope things work out

1sttimema_808
by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 1:52 PM

it's not that you aren't japanese. i'm white and my dad is japanese he adopted me. it took a little while for my dad to tell his parents about my mom and i but when he did it, he told them at the right time. some japanese are very traditional where they dont want them to date too much but find a suitable partner and just marry. my grandparents loved me and my mom and always paid for me to come and visit them and when my brother was born, they were totally extatic. i think he's trying to find the best way to tell his parents and perhaps everytime he attempts to communicate that you guys exist in his life, it just wont leave his lips for fear that they might be a bit disappointed in him if he doesn't tell them the right way. it does have to do with the culture but also the relationship he has with his parents. you might not want to send a picture of all of you to his parent's address but write down who you are and what relationship you have to their son. you might want to mention that he has no idea you are writing to them and that you thought it was time that they knew they had more family than origionally aknowledged. to please not be too upset with him but to keep in mind he never knew the right time or situation to tell them. bring this letter to a translater that can easily put these words into japanese and have the address ready so you can send it without the evidence being at home where he can find it.

hope this helps. good luck.

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