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Hubby having issues with his Dad.

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:16 PM
  • 9 Replies

Ok, let me start by saying. My DH parents have been divorced over 20yrs, he lived with his dad growing up because his mom couldn't afford child care and a house/car and 2-kids. So he  lived week days with dad and weekends with his mom. His dad always work over time and was never home much. Well we have 5 kids, his only grandchildren, and he never ever sees them, send a birthday card on their birthday's my DH included. The only time we see my DH's Dad is at Christmas, he buys a small gift for each child.

My DH feels like he did something wrong, my children then DH's step-dad is his father, the whole thing is weird. My oldest 2 are 13/10 they know the whole deal, but my 7, 4, 2 don't know him at all, only for Christmas gifts.

My DH's dad call the other day, first time since september to ask for a list of gifts for the kids for christmas.

My Question is what would you do as the child or spouse?? I want to say something so bad, just not sure what or how. It is hurting my DH!!! He looks Just so sad when we talk about it.

If you want to know anything else about the situation just ask!!!!!

I would really love some good feed back on this,  Thanks so Much for your time!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Kristy momoffive07
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:16 PM
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Replies (1-9):
CullenLover
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:25 PM

I dont have much of a relationship with my mother. she has only seen my kids 2x's since they were born they are 7 and 5 yrs old. they know everytime they do see her she will spoil them with gifts and basically not call the rest of the year. We live in different states though. I had a major fight with my mother over this. I told her how unfair it was to my kids to only call once a year or not at all and she either needs to call or dont bother. well she just sent me an email this morning wanting to know if my kids had a wish list made so she can buy them gifts. i say it will always be difficult even though your dh wants things to chage it doesnt mean his father wants it to change and thats the sad part.

savedbygrace316
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:26 PM

I know this sounds horrible but I would use the kids.  Have them write a letter to grandpa and ask if they can see him more or something.  Have you talked to FIL?  Invite him over for dinner.  If he says no just keep trying.

  SO and his dad were having problems once and I stepped in.  I basically told him that we are the only family he has and we want to be part of his life but would not be if things continued the way they were.  Things have gotten better slowly.

CafeMom Tickers
WildKat
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:30 PM

I would not run interference for your DH unless asked.  Use your caller ID and if FIL calls - just let DH decide whether to answer or not.  And support your DH no matter how he wants to handle it - give him advice if asked, and be there for him.  And go easy on him. 

I don't recommend getting in the middle of your DH and his father by taking it upon yourself to say something. 

Peace,

Kat

momoffive07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:40 PM

Well has told me that if I want to say something I can, I think he thinks it could help, but I am not sure about it or exactly what to say!!! I only am trying to support him and what ever he wants to do about it. I just wish I could help out!!!!

Thanks for the advice!!!!

Quoting WildKat:

I would not run interference for your DH unless asked.  Use your caller ID and if FIL calls - just let DH decide whether to answer or not.  And support your DH no matter how he wants to handle it - give him advice if asked, and be there for him.  And go easy on him. 

I don't recommend getting in the middle of your DH and his father by taking it upon yourself to say something. 

Peace,

Kat


Kristy momoffive07
momoffive07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:44 PM

That all sounds like a good idea. We haven't ask him over lately, because he always said he had to work or something was already going on, like for the kids b-day parties. We invite him to everyone even though we know he wont show up.

That is what I want to say, do you want us apart of your family or not!!! We have the only grand kids and he is his only son!!!

I guess I just can't understand why he don't want to be apart of our family, Other than his wife does like DH or "kids". She does have 2 kids of her own, but no grand kids!!

 

Thanks for the advice!!! I will talk to DH about the letters from the kids!!!

Quoting savedbygrace316:

I know this sounds horrible but I would use the kids.  Have them write a letter to grandpa and ask if they can see him more or something.  Have you talked to FIL?  Invite him over for dinner.  If he says no just keep trying.

  SO and his dad were having problems once and I stepped in.  I basically told him that we are the only family he has and we want to be part of his life but would not be if things continued the way they were.  Things have gotten better slowly.


Kristy momoffive07
momoffive07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:47 PM

sorry about your mom, it is a sad thing for sure.

But yea I think if his dad don't want to see us more, then DH will see this very very soon, and hopefully move on. I tell him please just don't ever do this to your children. They will always need you as their DAD!!!!  We do all learn things from our parents just what you do with it.

 

Thanks for the advice!!!

Quoting CullenLover:

I dont have much of a relationship with my mother. she has only seen my kids 2x's since they were born they are 7 and 5 yrs old. they know everytime they do see her she will spoil them with gifts and basically not call the rest of the year. We live in different states though. I had a major fight with my mother over this. I told her how unfair it was to my kids to only call once a year or not at all and she either needs to call or dont bother. well she just sent me an email this morning wanting to know if my kids had a wish list made so she can buy them gifts. i say it will always be difficult even though your dh wants things to chage it doesnt mean his father wants it to change and thats the sad part.


Kristy momoffive07
WildKat
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 12:56 PM

We have a very similar issue in our family.  My DH grew up with his Dad and often lost contact with his Mom, whom he'd been close to.   Nowadays, his Mom is a severe alcoholic and after putting her through rehab a couple of times, he gave up on her.  She would lie and say she was sober when she wasn't.  We'd plan a nice holiday dinner with her and she'd call saying she was sick (slurring her words - not sick but actually drunk).  It became an issue because it wasn't just letting down DH and I, it was letting down our kids.  That's when he decided to call it quits with her and move on.  He felt (and I supported him) that it is our job to protect our kids. 

That being said - I would NOT have your kids write letters to their grandfather. If he blows off his son (your DH) that's one thing - but to set your kids up for the inevitable rejection you KNOW will be coming - that's just crazy.  If you want to tug his heartstrings - send pix of the kids.  But don't involve them. 

I've also been on the other end of this.  My Mom was abandoned by her own Mom, then later by her father and step-mother.  She grew up with an Aunt, who was like a grandmother to me.  When my mother had finished having all her children she wrote to her mother, who lived about a half-hour from us, and reached out.  And nothing...  She thought for sure my (bio)grandmother would want to know us, etc.  Nothing.  It was a last-chance letter and she had to move on.  My father always respected her wishes and like I said, to me, my grandmother was a different person (my great-Aunt).  I never knew what I missed, and I've never really felt hurt by it. 

I know your husband's feelings are important to you, but you have to put the kids first and maybe get your husband some professional help in dealing with this. 

Good luck and peace,

Kat

Quoting momoffive07:

Well has told me that if I want to say something I can, I think he thinks it could help, but I am not sure about it or exactly what to say!!! I only am trying to support him and what ever he wants to do about it. I just wish I could help out!!!!

Thanks for the advice!!!!

Quoting WildKat:

I would not run interference for your DH unless asked.  Use your caller ID and if FIL calls - just let DH decide whether to answer or not.  And support your DH no matter how he wants to handle it - give him advice if asked, and be there for him.  And go easy on him. 

I don't recommend getting in the middle of your DH and his father by taking it upon yourself to say something. 

Peace,

Kat



momoffive07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Right I don't want the kids to feel bad about it at all, the older 2 do because they know that DH's dad just don't come around and he could he does live near us to.

I am just looking for something to say, becasue I feel there is nothing to say but maybe someone else will have a different idea. I know you can't make people do what they don't want to. I just can't give up on my DH wanting his dad to know his kids until he is ready to give up.

He said well at least we are not fighting, we just are not talking. One to look at it I guess. Dh's dad lost his own dad a few years ago, we though that might change him some, but it didn't.

Thanks again!!!!

Quoting WildKat:

We have a very similar issue in our family.  My DH grew up with his Dad and often lost contact with his Mom, whom he'd been close to.   Nowadays, his Mom is a severe alcoholic and after putting her through rehab a couple of times, he gave up on her.  She would lie and say she was sober when she wasn't.  We'd plan a nice holiday dinner with her and she'd call saying she was sick (slurring her words - not sick but actually drunk).  It became an issue because it wasn't just letting down DH and I, it was letting down our kids.  That's when he decided to call it quits with her and move on.  He felt (and I supported him) that it is our job to protect our kids. 

That being said - I would NOT have your kids write letters to their grandfather. If he blows off his son (your DH) that's one thing - but to set your kids up for the inevitable rejection you KNOW will be coming - that's just crazy.  If you want to tug his heartstrings - send pix of the kids.  But don't involve them. 

I've also been on the other end of this.  My Mom was abandoned by her own Mom, then later by her father and step-mother.  She grew up with an Aunt, who was like a grandmother to me.  When my mother had finished having all her children she wrote to her mother, who lived about a half-hour from us, and reached out.  And nothing...  She thought for sure my (bio)grandmother would want to know us, etc.  Nothing.  It was a last-chance letter and she had to move on.  My father always respected her wishes and like I said, to me, my grandmother was a different person (my great-Aunt).  I never knew what I missed, and I've never really felt hurt by it. 

I know your husband's feelings are important to you, but you have to put the kids first and maybe get your husband some professional help in dealing with this. 

Good luck and peace,

Kat

Quoting momoffive07:

Well has told me that if I want to say something I can, I think he thinks it could help, but I am not sure about it or exactly what to say!!! I only am trying to support him and what ever he wants to do about it. I just wish I could help out!!!!

Thanks for the advice!!!!

Quoting WildKat:

I would not run interference for your DH unless asked.  Use your caller ID and if FIL calls - just let DH decide whether to answer or not.  And support your DH no matter how he wants to handle it - give him advice if asked, and be there for him.  And go easy on him. 

I don't recommend getting in the middle of your DH and his father by taking it upon yourself to say something. 

Peace,

Kat

 

 


Kristy momoffive07
momoffive07
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:55 PM

bump

Kristy momoffive07
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