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DD's friend can be hurtful...what to tell her?

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 3:52 PM
  • 6 Replies

My DD has had a friend whom she has been close to since she was a baby.   They are now 5.  They go to the same school, but not the same class. They are also in the same ballet class (separate from school). They have always been really close and played together. At the beginning of the year they would always play together at recess. Recently my DD has been coming home sad at least once a week telling me this girl doesn't want to be her friend or refuses to play with her. At first I just told her that they could have other friends besides each other and I encouraged her to make new friends as well. Now I'm not sure what to tell her. I want her to learn to be forgiving and loyal to her friends, but I don't want her being treated unkindly either. I know little kids can be mean and not know it, and that as they get older they may change.

In the last few months I'm noticing a lot of behavior from this other girl that I don't like. I always have my DD listen to her friends, be supportive, and happy for what they do and are good at.  A few months back when before girl started taking ballet with my DD, who has been doing it since age 3, the friends would tell my DD what she was supposed to do.  My DD would listen and then show her how to arabesque and the friend would roll her eyes, interrupt and demand attention claiming she knew what to do and could do it better. The eye rolling is ever increasing, and it irritates me to see and hear how my DD is spoken to and treated.  

My DD always is a true friend to this girl, but she is hot and cold to DD. One minute she will be hugging and kissing and the next she is acting as if she is better and my DD is stupid. What do you think? Suggestions?

by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 3:52 PM
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jenniepepsi
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 3:55 PM

sorry your going thru this too hon. my DDs best friend is the same way. very very mean little girl. i have the lovely oprotunity to meet her mother and find out WHY she is a mean little girl. but we wotn get into that lol.

i talked to my DDs doc, and i talked to the school psychologist. and at this age, the best you can do is let your child learn from trial and error. as hard as it is, she has to learn for herself what kind of friends she wants around her. and weather she is going to let her friend be mean to her or not let her do it to her.

i have considered banning the little girl from my DDs friends. but i also want her to learn how to make friends and decide for herself you know?

obviously step in if the little girl goes beyond mean and starts hitting her, phsyically hurting her, spitting on her, calling her really bad names as they get older (whore, slut, bitch, cunt or any racial slurs) then i would step in about it.

but at this age, i still feel the best policy is let them learn from thier own choices.

Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 1, 2009 at 3:59 PM

It is sad. It breaks our hearts when our children are hurt. As you have been doing, encourge her to find new friends, new children that she enjoys being around.

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one4mom
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 4:03 PM

my dd has a friend that is very hot and cold also I have explained to her that friends need to be chosen carefully and what makes a good friend that way when she is a teen she will hopefully be good at choosing good friends (something I learned is very important with my older kids) anyway she is very nice to this friend when they are together but we do not go out of our way to invite her to playdates and other get togethers bc she is very mean and just not a nice person....the kind of person I do not want my dd to be and I feel if you are hanging with the wrong crowd it does kinda wear on you and you might start acting the same way.....we have many talks about what makes a good friend and a good person!

I am very protective :)

Maryann

jenniepepsi
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 4:06 PM

ACK forgot that park. bmat is right. definately dont just keep quiet. encourage her to find new friends, and let her know that you understand that her friend is mean to her, and explain to her, that she needs to decide who she wants to be friends with. be very open with her.


 

Quoting Bmat:

It is sad. It breaks our hearts when our children are hurt. As you have been doing, encourge her to find new friends, new children that she enjoys being around.


Verarose
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 4:14 PM


Quoting jenniepepsi:

sorry your going thru this too hon. my DDs best friend is the same way. very very mean little girl. i have the lovely oprotunity to meet her mother and find out WHY she is a mean little girl. but we wotn get into that lol.

 

I've known her parent and grandparents these past 5 years and they are nice people.  Her family is probable a tax bracket above ours and they sometimes can be snutty, but overall nice people with reasonable standards and values.   

It probable bothers me more than her. 

2girlsMom.MN
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 4:35 PM

My dd is 8 and we have a similar problem and it's been going on since age5 also. My daughter is also a true friend and very giving. I have opened my home to this little girl, fed her, had sleepovers you name it. This other little girl drops my daughter like nothing when something or someone better comes up. I got so sick and tired of seeing my daughter hurt and in tears I finally convinced her to stop trying, stop taking this friend back. I encouraged my daughter to make new friends and be strong and not depend upon 1 friend but to have many friends. My daughter is lonely sometimes as this was the only little girl in the neighborhood close by. But my daughter is 10x happier.

It's amazing how morals and values have gone down the drains these days and how parents don't teach their children how to treat other people with dignity and respect.

Help your daughter get some new friends is my advise she doesn't need that, and that mean little girl isn't going to change. It's not a phase and mean little girls just get meaner with age trust me.

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