Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I'm Torn - Need Advice Please!

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 6:49 PM
  • 49 Replies

I'm torn on what I should do.  In October, my (step) dad and I had a huge blow out.  I refer to him as my dad....  Anyway, my 2 yr old DD (actually 23 months at the time), DH, and I were staying with my parents for a little over a week.  It was a planned visit, so my dad had the time to clean up his crap.  He has an end table beside his reclyner that is his "catch-all".  It's piled with his meds, screw drivers, nuts/bolts, fishing lures and hooks, etc.  Instead of cleaning everything up, he put a towel over it all to cover it up...like that would stop my curious 2 yr old.  Oh, and his collectable Hot Wheels, etc were all over their dining room table. 

With that said, my DD kept getting into everything, and yes, I was telling her NO all the time and, at first, putting her into time out for not listening to me.  My dad kept getting upset that she was getting into his stuff and not doing as she's told.  I got tired of telling her NO every 2 seconds, I tried distracting her, but there was just too much crap to get into.  When she got ahold of his meds, that was it.  I told him he needs to put that kind of stuff out of her reach because it could kill her or land her in the hospital.  He told me that he's not baby-proofing HIS house just because my kid doesn't listen.  He told me that I was a lazy mother and that all I do is sit on my "ass" and do nothing to control my DD.  Um, ok....at the same time I was telling her NO, don't touch that, etc...I was also trying to plan her 2nd birthday party and design the invitations.  There's nothing to do at their house (actually apt) and I did take my DD out for drives to the park, etc practically every day.  My dad doesn't work because he's physically disabled, in which he could work on computers or something, since a lot of handicapped people still work.  So, when he accused me of being a lazy mother and that I should get off my ass, I told him that was the pot calling the kettle black. He didn't like that.

Then, my almost 17 yr old sister jumped into the fight and told me to get a job (I'm a SAHM and I sell Avon).  I asked her why she didn't have a job and she got all pissy and started yelling and screaming at me.  Hey, just because I don't work outside the home and receive money for what I do, doesn't mean I don't have a job. 

Oh, another thing, they have an indoor little dog that's very spoiled.  My 19 yr old bro and 16 yr sis play very rough with him.  I tried to tell them that my DD copies what she sees, so they shouldn't play that way with the dog in front of her and they just poo poo'd it.  So, when it came time for my DD to play with the dog, she started kicking him and pulling his tail...exactly what they do.  They kept yelling at her to stop being mean to the dog.  She's not a violent kid and I was trying to tell them that.  She thought that was the way to play.  So, I told my DD to just stay away from him, but he kept trying to play with her (and instigate).  I finally told them to leave her alone and that I, as her mother, would stop her if I thought she was in the wrong. 

My dad also sits on his butt and barks orders at my mom to do all the chores around the house and to get a better paying job, etc.  He has 2 very lazy teenagers that could very well keep the house spotless since neither of them are in school...my 16 yr old sis is home schooled, so she's home all day and doesn't work.  My bro works maybe 10 hrs a week.  When my lil sis wants to go shopping and my mom tells her no, she goes crying to my dad.  He, then, gets all over my mom to give her money.  So, my DH and I were backing up my mom and my dad and sis didn't like that.  They back her into the corner all the time.

Anyway, my dad got all over me for everything.  It turned into a yelling and screaming match, to say the least.  I finally told him that I hope it was all worth it because he just lost us as his family.  Then, we left.  Now, he's been trying to turn my mom against us, which isn't working.  She has to secretly come and see us.  When he finds out, he yells at her to the point of her in tears. 

Now, here's why I'm torn:  He's the only grandpa that cares about his grandchild.  My FIL and step-MIL are very pomass and too into the other grandchildren to have time for my DD (that's another story).  Anyway, my dad does love my DD and she needs a grandpa in her life.  Right now, my mom is the only grandparent in my DD's life.  My MIL just passed away over the summer from brain cancer.  She loved our DD a lot.  Anyway, it's the holidays and I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Sorry for this being a little long.  Thank you in advance. 

by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 6:49 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
xChasingxAmyx
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 6:52 PM

Honestly, I wouldn't be visiting much if that's how he treated me and my kids. Just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't expect him to baby proof the house, but picking up small items of interest (IE the cars, the pills etc) should be common knowledge and I would expect that to get picked up. Or at least put in a different area for the time of the visit. 

It also sounds like you all had some underlying issues that seemed to come out over a little incident. :o(

mommy2bunny
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:05 PM

Ya, I'm not taking my DD over there anymore.   I don't expect anyone to baby-proof their home because I don't, but you're right...common sense things that could really injure a little one who doesn't quite understand what they are, should be put away out of reach.  The underlying issues of how he treats my mom....yes, came out.  That's been building over time and was finally released.  I always figured my mom was an adult and if she decides to cater to them, that's her decision...but my DH and I finally got to see exactly how bad she's treated.  They all gang up on her until she gives.  We don't understand why they won't divorce, since that would be better for everyone (at this point).  Anyway......

Quoting xChasingxAmyx:

Honestly, I wouldn't be visiting much if that's how he treated me and my kids. Just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't expect him to baby proof the house, but picking up small items of interest (IE the cars, the pills etc) should be common knowledge and I would expect that to get picked up. Or at least put in a different area for the time of the visit. 

It also sounds like you all had some underlying issues that seemed to come out over a little incident. :o(



xChasingxAmyx
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:07 PM

:o( I am sorry you had to deal with all of this. I wish I had a magic solution for ya, but all I have is a virtual *hug*

Quoting mommy2bunny:

Ya, I'm not taking my DD over there anymore.   I don't expect anyone to baby-proof their home because I don't, but you're right...common sense things that could really injure a little one who doesn't quite understand what they are, should be put away out of reach.  The underlying issues of how he treats my mom....yes, came out.  That's been building over time and was finally released.  I always figured my mom was an adult and if she decides to cater to them, that's her decision...but my DH and I finally got to see exactly how bad she's treated.  They all gang up on her until she gives.  We don't understand why they won't divorce, since that would be better for everyone (at this point).  Anyway......

Quoting xChasingxAmyx:

Honestly, I wouldn't be visiting much if that's how he treated me and my kids. Just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't expect him to baby proof the house, but picking up small items of interest (IE the cars, the pills etc) should be common knowledge and I would expect that to get picked up. Or at least put in a different area for the time of the visit. 

It also sounds like you all had some underlying issues that seemed to come out over a little incident. :o(



Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:20 PM

I agree about not taking the little one over there, at least not for very long. Keep communication open with your mother. Maybe she could use a refuge.

______________________________

Join us onAdvice for Moms - - Group Mod

mommy2bunny
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:29 PM

Thank you.  Here's a hug right back at you.  :-)

Quoting xChasingxAmyx:

:o( I am sorry you had to deal with all of this. I wish I had a magic solution for ya, but all I have is a virtual *hug*

Quoting mommy2bunny:

Ya, I'm not taking my DD over there anymore.   I don't expect anyone to baby-proof their home because I don't, but you're right...common sense things that could really injure a little one who doesn't quite understand what they are, should be put away out of reach.  The underlying issues of how he treats my mom....yes, came out.  That's been building over time and was finally released.  I always figured my mom was an adult and if she decides to cater to them, that's her decision...but my DH and I finally got to see exactly how bad she's treated.  They all gang up on her until she gives.  We don't understand why they won't divorce, since that would be better for everyone (at this point).  Anyway......

Quoting xChasingxAmyx:

Honestly, I wouldn't be visiting much if that's how he treated me and my kids. Just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't expect him to baby proof the house, but picking up small items of interest (IE the cars, the pills etc) should be common knowledge and I would expect that to get picked up. Or at least put in a different area for the time of the visit. 

It also sounds like you all had some underlying issues that seemed to come out over a little incident. :o(


 




toybar02
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:32 PM

wow I'm truly sorry that happened and I think theres an underlying issue and its a shame that instead of your stepdad taking you aside and talking to you alone as an adult should he brings it up after you ask him to put his things away for the safety of your child, I think at a point and time everyone should sit down and talk about the issues that are affecting your family, as far as asking him to put his things away I think his reaction was unnecessary and you deserve an apology, as far as him calling you a lazy mom why is he worried about if you are or not, you're not asking him to support your child so its none of his concern, once again I'm sorry that happened and its a shame when the children have to be the mature ones when things happen between them and their parents and that might be what you have to do, you might have to be the mature one and try to fix this problem

mommy2bunny
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:32 PM

As a matter of fact, she comes over a lot (when she's not working) to escape.  She was over at our place last Saturday almost all day.  We, now, live about 2 miles away.  We were staying at their place because our new place wasn't quite ready for us yet. 

Quoting Bmat:

I agree about not taking the little one over there, at least not for very long. Keep communication open with your mother. Maybe she could use a refuge.



mommy2bunny
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:38 PM

Thank you.  I totally agree.  I know he will never apologize to me because he's the kind of person that insists he's always right while everyone else is wrong.  I do love him though.  He's been my dad for 20 yrs.  But the mama bear that I am, came out because in my eyes, my child comes first.  I felt like all I was doing was defending myself and my DD because I was constantly being attacked for one thing or another.  Part of me wants to make up with him, but part of me doesn't. 

Quoting toybar02:

wow I'm truly sorry that happened and I think theres an underlying issue and its a shame that instead of your stepdad taking you aside and talking to you alone as an adult should he brings it up after you ask him to put his things away for the safety of your child, I think at a point and time everyone should sit down and talk about the issues that are affecting your family, as far as asking him to put his things away I think his reaction was unnecessary and you deserve an apology, as far as him calling you a lazy mom why is he worried about if you are or not, you're not asking him to support your child so its none of his concern, once again I'm sorry that happened and its a shame when the children have to be the mature ones when things happen between them and their parents and that might be what you have to do, you might have to be the mature one and try to fix this problem



AM-BRAT
by Amber on Dec. 1, 2009 at 7:44 PM

That is tough. My dad's house is hella nasty, and there's nothing for my kids to there really, and there is meds and ashtrays laying around, etc.

But at least they're not a-holes about it. You sound like you got a real mess on your hands, and just don't go there to visit, they can come to you. Or meet somewhere public, I guess.

And just avoid all that other drama, the kids and dogs and what not. Sounds too busy and annoying for me.

It will get better when your kids get to an age where they don't have to be super monitored there, and it will get better. At least that's what I tell myself lol!

 








Join us onAdvice for Moms - - Group Mod

mommy2bunny
by on Dec. 1, 2009 at 8:01 PM

Ya, you're right...I need to avoid the other drama, which I was doing good at until we had to stay with them.  It's really easy to get sucked in.  lol.  Well, especially when my mom comes to me crying....I never understood the extent to that until I was there to witness.  We live in a handicapped accessable place, so there wouldn't be any excuse to not come to our place to visit.

Quoting AM-BRAT:

That is tough. My dad's house is hella nasty, and there's nothing for my kids to there really, and there is meds and ashtrays laying around, etc.

But at least they're not a-holes about it. You sound like you got a real mess on your hands, and just don't go there to visit, they can come to you. Or meet somewhere public, I guess.

And just avoid all that other drama, the kids and dogs and what not. Sounds too busy and annoying for me.

It will get better when your kids get to an age where they don't have to be super monitored there, and it will get better. At least that's what I tell myself lol!



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)