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Help needed from well weathered wives.

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:26 PM
  • 13 Replies

I found out a few months ago that my husband was cheating on me.  I was told it was nothing but talking and it never went any farther.  We have decided to work things out and stay together.  My problem is I dont see my husband the way I use to.  I no longer see that wonderful man I thought he was.  Now all I see is a cheater and a man that will doesnt care about anyone but himself.  This is causing a lot of fights between me and him.  I feel that if we are going to stay together I need to be able to get past this and see that he is a good man.  My question for you ladies is.  How do I do this.  How do I start to heal and see him the way I need to?

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:27 PM

Not the easilest thing to do, but...forgive and forget.  Clean the slate and start over.  That worked well for hubby and me.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:29 PM

It is going to take a while for him to earn his trust back..But he needs to be transparent with you. If he says he is going somewhere he better be there ect. You can forgive but you never will forget, it will always be there. just as time goes on it will fade.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:30 PM

That would be hard to do!!!!! You have trust issues!!! He needs to earn your trust back!!!!! It isnt something that will happen overnight!!!! If you love him and want to make it work then I suggest really trying to deal with these issues! But you cant do it alone.....you need to talk to him and you need him to help prove this!!!!! In time you will be okay but its not gonna happen overnight!

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:30 PM

Counselling.  Seriously.  I'm on the side of the fence that your husband is on and my dh still has a hard time with what I did.  We tend to fight...I'm faithful but that doesn't count because I broke his trust.  All I can say is if you agree to work on it, you BOTH need to work on it.  It can't be a one sided thing or everything will fall apart.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:31 PM

Counseling would be a great start. It will be easier for you two to hash out your issues with a third party to help you understand each other. And he is going to have to put a lot of effort into this. He is going to have to build trust from the ground up...so he has to be in this 100% for it to work. You both do, really. Time will heal things....time and a lot of hard work.

Good luck mama, I really hope you guys are able to work it out!

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by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:40 PM

With time and counseling. You might not ever get that back but with time and understanding you will find out.

by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2010 at 3:43 PM

You should really read His Needs, Her Needs:  Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.  My hubby and I had to read that as a pre-wedding counseling, and it's awesome!  Has awesome strategies for trying to build back trust and so forth.  Good luck!  I commend you for sticking it out and attempting to work things out before pulling the plug!

by on May. 26, 2010 at 3:48 PM

Aww, I'm sorry, honey.  Marriage is hard work, isn't it?  Even when you're not the cause for friction, you have to put just as much steam into it to smooth things over.  Grace goes a long way in this situation.  Deciding to stay together isn't about the heart.  Its about a choice.  Keep that in mind when things feel discombobulated.  Remind yourself that you want to be there, want to work through this.  In some ways, seeing your husband differently may be a blessing in some ways.  In no way does it excuse the selfish choice he made, but it shines a more realistic light on him.  He made a terrible mistake.  He isn't perfect.  Yes, he is a cheater, but rather than label him, try to just give a little grace to allow him the chance to show you his commitment to marriage and his willingness to make positive, affirming choices.  I'm going to post an "apology formula" that might help you guys.  I have to go dig it up, but it has been a tremendous help in my life, in my marriage, in my mothering.  Hugs to you.  I really, really admire you for giving your marriage a chance to mend and be better. 

by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2010 at 3:50 PM

You are seeing him for who he is now, your eyes are finally open. He needs to show you that he is worthy of your love and respect again.  He needs to work at it.

by Barb on May. 26, 2010 at 3:51 PM

I am not sure what I read. Is it that he was only talking? I'm not sure this would be cheating.  Or is it that you thought they were only talking and found out that they were having sex?  This would be cheating for sure. If this is the case then you need to get tested for STDs and get counseling.

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