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My dh's brother just sent us a card

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:15 PM
  • 17 Replies

It is to his oldest daughter's birthday party. She will be 6. I am surprised he sent us anything, because he hasn't sent us any invites for over three yrs. Before we had children, and yes it was yrs and yrs ago, and when my husband had a good job, his older brother had emailed us begging us for help with a big problem. His car was broken down, and he needed to get it fixed.

At the time, Dh and I both had great jobs and no kids, and we had the $1500 he needed to fix it so we lent it to him. Told him to pay us when he could and he promised. He never paid it back and DH and I never sued him because he was family. In fact we both let it go completely. Until about 4 yrs ago when my dh's bro brought it up himself at a gathering we were invited to. He said, laughing during some debate "Yeah and asking family to pay back money is just wrong, no matter what, because they r FAMILY." which started an arguement and both of them yelled a lot and we left and they never invited us to anything for over 3 yrs. It used to be we were invited for everything, Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays etc. Now I am standing here with an invite as tho nothing happened.

My dh was like Im leaving this decision up to you, I  have no desire to go.

But they are family. Should i let it go and we show up with a gift for their daughter? or should I just stay home and act like we never got the invite? My mil called and asked if we got our invite, and threw a huge fit when she found out we might not be going! I dunno, I am thinking they ARE family, and on the other hand it's like, They screwed us over. BTW they have never lent us money or offered to help us when things have happened. So... I dunno. What would u do?

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:17 PM

 That's tough. But I think you should go. It's not really about the older family members, it's about your niece. It's her birthday, so go and spend some time with her. Maybe tell them that you can't stay long, but you wanted to stop by and tell her happy birthday and spend a few minutes with her. Good luck!

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:17 PM


by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:19 PM

Send the child a birthday card, and don't go to the party. The children shouldn't suffer.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:19 PM

I wouldn't go. 

Sounds like MIL might have had something to do with you getting the invite.  Maybe send a letter explaining how you both feel and that if you can work something out than maybe you would considering going to the party. 

by Barb on May. 26, 2010 at 4:21 PM

My inclination would be to steer clear.  But, as you say, they are family. So I think I'd go. Tell your husband sternly no talking about money whatsover. If the subject comes up change the subject. Don't let heated discussion ruin the child's party.  I'd probably go, enjoy for a while, and then leave with smiles and waves. If at any time the discussion starts getting out of line, smile and wave and leave.

by Gold Member on May. 26, 2010 at 4:21 PM

It's wrong for him to assume it's free money that doesn't have to be paid back. He did nothing to earn it and he's not a dependent. Just family.

At the same time, there's a saying that when you lend money, never expect it back. If they pay it back, great!! but by not expecting it, you're not disappointed when they don't.

If you do expect it back, get it in writing and don't ever say to pay it back WHENEVER you can.. cause that may be never. Work out a pay plan, even if it's $10. a month.

It's up to you whether you care to go or not. There's no right or wrong. Fathers Rights Cause The Spiritual Cafe

I am a Central Florida Realtor  

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:22 PM

Oh we do that every yr. For birthday and Christmas we ALWAYS send something for each of his two girls. He has never sent my kids a birthday or Christmas gift and we have a lot less money right now then he does. We never send expensive but like this last Christmas, I sent one girl a card that had stickers, (from the half price off card store), and the other girl a card with Cinderella on the front, and one got a paper dolls book and the other cause she was too little for it we got a board book that talks about colors. Anyways, we always send them things for the girls, and never got a thank you for those. Even when we were invited to things, he never gave my kids any christmas or birthday stuff or even a thanks for the gift.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:23 PM

I'm so confused.  Didn't you just post about not being able to leave your house because you had no clothes and that you can't leave your house because you don't have/can't get car seats?  And now this?? How will you get there and what will you wear? asked...WWID?  I'd go.  I'd celebrate the birthday of a child.   

by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2010 at 4:24 PM

I don't know if i would/could cut them out of my families life but they would never be loaned money again ever no matter how dire the situation. Honestly the bil sounds like an inconsiderate jerk.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 4:24 PM

I would go, they are family and really is $1500 worth loosing family over?  Go, make up, they took the first step which is the hardest, if you don't some day you will regret it.

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