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What would you do? *Really long but could use some insight* new update on 2

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 7:51 PM
  • 18 Replies

 My mom and I have never had the greatest relationship but about six years ago things kind of balanced out for us. She was very involved with my DS and then my DD. She would have the kids at least one Sat a month and we would have dinner together once a week. She never missed any of the kids special events or occasions. In Jan '08 my mom started dating a guy and now doesn't have much time for us. Doesn't take the kids anymore and we never get together for dinner. She stops by once a week for maybe an hour to see the kids.I'm prego with # 3 and put on bed rest in May because my mom is too busy to take care of her mother who was hospitalized for two days and because I'm a pregnant stay at home mom I have all the time in the world to take my grandparents to Dr appointments and do their grocery shopping. All the stress worrying about my grandma and arguing with my mother cause me to start contracting at 22 weeks.  Now the entire time I was on bed rest my mom never offered to help. She never offered to bring food or to watch the kids. Nothing. My MIL and my Grandma helped as much as they could. Luckily I was only on complete bed rest for a few weeks and then it was modified bed rest for a little bit and then I was fine. So by the end of July I really needed to get out of the house so I asked my mom to babysit the kids so I could go to a scrapbooking workshop. I asked her 3 weeks before the day and a few days before she still hadn't given me an answer so I tell her I feel like she is waiting for something better to come along and she tells me that I'm right. She is waiting to see if her BF wants to do anything that day rather than watch the kids for me. Keep in mind she hasn't even seen the kids much in the last 9 months or so. Our third child a DD is born in Sept '08.

My mom has continued to pull away from us. Sometimes we don't see her for weeks. She hasn't watched or taken the kids anywhere in the last two years. She has never watched or taken my youngest who is 21 months. I told her a month before my DD first birthday we were having a party for DD on her bday(it fell on a Sat) She forgot it was DD birthdate and made plans to go out of town and refused to change them. So we ended up having the party a week later. My DD played soccer last year and she came to maybe 3 or 4 games.DS played tball this year and  she came to one game out of 12. Her attitude has become this is my life and I will live it how I want. Which is fine but why can't it include me and my kids? BTW I'm her only child. I've worked really hard on  myself the last couple years to just let it go. I can't control her, she will do whatever she wants. So I'm going to live my life and let her live hers. If she wants to see me or the kids she is welcome to.  

So until now my kids have seem to be oblivious to her comings and goings. If she is around great they love her and have fun and if she isn't they don't ask too much about her. Now my mom has been planning on moving in with her BF and just recently rented her house so she has been moving the last couple weeks. My oldest DD is turning 5 and we had a party for her yesterday. I told my mom weeks ago about the party and the party didn't start until 3. Well she informs me the night before that she will be a little late cause they are moving the last of her stuff. OK fine. Except my DD is upset because Grammy isn't here and doesn't show up until about 4:30. My DD had two of her friends here from school and didn't even play two of the games I had planned for the party. She told my DH that Grammy could just come to her 6th b-day.  My mom missed singing happy b-day and then when she got here she wanted to open presents because she still had things to do and couldn't stay long. But I did not delay or rush the party activities for her. I did what I had planned. So after presents she is leaving and is like sorry blah blah and I was like you know I understand but your granddaughter was upset you were so late. Well she comes back at me all snotty and defensive well I had to move I've had this planned for a month. She says this to me in front of my guests at my home. So A) I'm upset because my DD is upset Grammy was so late and B) I'm upset because she spoke to me so disrespectfully in front of my guests at my home.

My dilemma is this, Should I talk to her about it and risk starting a huge fight or should I just let it go?

Thank you for reading this and offering any insight.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 7:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mommawombat
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 7:54 PM

 If she is goign to act like a spoiled child then treat her like one Ignore her until she can play nice

rockinmomto2
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 7:58 PM

 It's tough when you're the only child. My mom and I have had our share of issues as well. ATM, she's apparently not speaking to me because I finally spoke my mind to her (via email). It just came pouring out because I've been so angry about it for so long. I think that you really need to speak with your mom about her behavior, and let her know that it's unacceptable. That you and your family will never be second best to anyone, and it's not okay for her to wait for something better to come along when you ask her to do something with/for your children. Making you feel like crap is one thing, but disappointing your kids is something totally different, and she needs to understand that.

MedicMommyAnne
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:03 PM

I would ignore her until she grows up.

aml717
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:06 PM

Thanks to those who have replied so far. Anyone else have some insight?

aml717
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:40 PM

BUMP please I could really use some advice and insight.

Faeriebrat
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:52 PM

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship too. I am not an only child.. I am the middle of three..and my mom (Especially when I was little) made no attempt to hide that I was her least fav child. She even at one point told me that she resented me when I was little because I needed so much of her time and care (I have disabilites). We are a lot closer now..especially since my child has been born but there is still a drift between us. Try to talk to her rationally and openly.. Let her know you understand she is going to live her life however she wants and you are happy that she is finding happiness but that you don't see why her happiness means she can't still play a vital role in not only your life but especially your children. (That is the nice way to go about it) and if you don't think you can say it to her face to face then email it to her.. Mention how you didn't appreciate the way she treated you in YOUR HOME in front of guest. Now if you want to go the route I am known for going from time to time. Tell her that Boyfriends come and go but you will always be her child and these will always be her grandchildren. Ask her how she wants to look in your eyes and your childrens eyes knowing she is choosing a man over her own flesh and blood. That no you don't expect her to drop everything at your beck and call but when you give her ample notice it would be nice not to get screwed over because she wants to play house with the newest man in her life.  :)  

jays4eternity
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:52 PM

I have never understood mothers that act that way. My best friends mother is that way so my best friend adopted my mother. In my family if we have a problem we talk about it. I understand that she is your mother but she isn't acting like you are her daughter. If my mother did anything like she has done i wouldn't be able to hold my tounge about it. You defenitely need to tell her "look, what you are doing is wrong, i am your daughter and these are your grandchildren! you are letting some random man come between you and your family and that is in no way acceptable!" Your kids feelings are now becoming hurt due to her actions and you need to be the protective mama bear and make sure she understands that you aren't going to let her hurt your kids. If she chooses to still act this way just cut her out completely. I know that sounds harsh since she is your mother but it is her own fault for acting that way. My mother would drop everything at the drop of the hat if my kids wanted her there for something. She rescheduled her vacation because it was to close to my c section date!

Just remember the way she is acting is really bad but it could be worse. My best friend lost her baby 10 days after having her and the cemetary made a mistake in the paperwork and put her mothers name on the deed to the babies plot. Her mother wouldn't give her the deed for the plot so that she could get the grave stone. To me that is the worse thing a mother could do.

magenl
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 9:58 PM
I would just leave her alone. Invite her to everything but don't expect her to come, that way if she does it'll be a surprise:D let her go and comes as she pleases and most definantly do not stress over it. Your just going to have to sit back and let her learn the hard way.
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sarahbearamommy
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 10:11 PM

if she doesnt seem to care, then why should you.. id just inform her of events, if she chooses to go, then fine, if not.. fine too.  she does have her own life too, like you said, so just let her do what she will.  i doubt she will change over night.. talking to her will probably just make things worse.  just explain to your children that she is busy and you dont know why she isnt around, and they will just have to get used to that.  im sorry youre in this situation and i know its frustrating, but sometimes you just have to go on doing your thing and just forget about the rest.  you cant control what people will do and if it ends up hurting you and your children emotionally, then id just cut her off.

Lb128f
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 10:24 PM

Excellent advice!!!! 

Quoting Faeriebrat:

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship too. I am not an only child.. I am the middle of three..and my mom (Especially when I was little) made no attempt to hide that I was her least fav child. She even at one point told me that she resented me when I was little because I needed so much of her time and care (I have disabilites). We are a lot closer now..especially since my child has been born but there is still a drift between us. Try to talk to her rationally and openly.. Let her know you understand she is going to live her life however she wants and you are happy that she is finding happiness but that you don't see why her happiness means she can't still play a vital role in not only your life but especially your children. (That is the nice way to go about it) and if you don't think you can say it to her face to face then email it to her.. Mention how you didn't appreciate the way she treated you in YOUR HOME in front of guest. Now if you want to go the route I am known for going from time to time. Tell her that Boyfriends come and go but you will always be her child and these will always be her grandchildren. Ask her how she wants to look in your eyes and your childrens eyes knowing she is choosing a man over her own flesh and blood. That no you don't expect her to drop everything at your beck and call but when you give her ample notice it would be nice not to get screwed over because she wants to play house with the newest man in her life.  :)  

 

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