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I overheard my husband

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:16 AM
  • 16 Replies

My dd and I have been butting heads a lot recently (past few months). Part of it, I am the only one that disciplines anyone in the home. We do a ton of the positive, but nothing is good enough or never enough. At the moment it can be very nice for both of us, but when it's time to do something with one of her brothers she acts like I just spat in her face, even when she had notice.


We have tried a lot of different approaches. Finally, I told hubby that when he is home he needs to step in more and help out with the discipline. Well, today I sent him up to chat with our daughter after she was giving me a bunch of attitude (demanding to know where I was going to take her brother during his outing with me, she just had hers two days ago).


I over heard my husband tell her that both she and I need to do things better. Excuse me? Am I the only one here? How appropriate is it for a parent to tell the child that their parent isn't doing things right. I felt like it totally underminded my authority and it undercut her direct role as a child and mine as a parent.

I would have been much more on board if something came up where all of us met to discuss a plan where we all have a say. However, to talk about your spouse/partner to your child whom is already having a major disrespect problem seems to add to the problems.

Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

-Heather

by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
silverdawn99
by Bronze Member on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:19 AM

how old is your daughter? when it comes to disclpline i am the one to do it usually. Dont make him do it. You have to be firm with her

Lanie_momofone
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:21 AM

My daughter (8 yrs) has behavioural issues and me and her are always butting heads, and my SO will go into the room to talk to her and say similiar things....this is why.

1) if you put all the blame on my daughter, her listening skills go out the window.

2) Sometimes he is right, sometimes i DO need to get a clear head about things and stop myself in the heat of the moment and realize that if i calm my voice down , she may do the same.

3) he also tells her that she needs to learn how to calm herself down as well, and listen to me before i really do get mad.

I would talk to him about it, and find out why he said what he said...try not to take offence, before you actually have a talk with him about it..there may be a reason for him doing what he did.

hugginonem
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:23 AM

She is 7 1/2. He only disiplines the kids about 10% of the time when he is right there. I'm not talking about a "wait until your father comes home thing." I'm talking about, they do it right in front of him without him flinching kind of a thing. That makes me come in to be the regulator.


bellaamore
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:24 AM

I don't see why it would be such a bad thing for you to admit TO YOUR CHILD that maybe you aren't doing things as well as you could.

I have had to do it a million times...and my hubby has said the same thing about me to Punk, and it didn't bother me, because it was true.

Kenre
by Bronze Member on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:24 AM

 I don't know what to tell you. I only have a boys and the oldest is 6. I guess talk to your DH about what was said.

Can I ask why were you listening, anyway? Do you not trust him to punish her?

mamakenzi
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:25 AM


Quoting Lanie_momofone:

My daughter (8 yrs) has behavioural issues and me and her are always butting heads, and my SO will go into the room to talk to her and say similiar things....this is why.

1) if you put all the blame on my daughter, her listening skills go out the window.

2) Sometimes he is right, sometimes i DO need to get a clear head about things and stop myself in the heat of the moment and realize that if i calm my voice down , she may do the same.

3) he also tells her that she needs to learn how to calm herself down as well, and listen to me before i really do get mad.

I would talk to him about it, and find out why he said what he said...try not to take offence, before you actually have a talk with him about it..there may be a reason for him doing what he did.

I think this is great advice!

Kenzie

Check out my blog: http://macklanddiares.blogspot.com

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bellaamore
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:26 AM

This.  Oh, and Punk is 7, as well.  And, my hubby doe sthe same thing, OP when he does stuff in front of him (the not flinching part) because he lets him slide until he knows FOR SURE he id doing it ON PURPOSE to bug me.  Then, he gets it.

Sometimes, I jump in too soon.  He would do more disciplining if I would shut my mouth.. maybe you are having the same issues?

Quoting Lanie_momofone:

My daughter (8 yrs) has behavioural issues and me and her are always butting heads, and my SO will go into the room to talk to her and say similiar things....this is why.

1) if you put all the blame on my daughter, her listening skills go out the window.

2) Sometimes he is right, sometimes i DO need to get a clear head about things and stop myself in the heat of the moment and realize that if i calm my voice down , she may do the same.

3) he also tells her that she needs to learn how to calm herself down as well, and listen to me before i really do get mad.

I would talk to him about it, and find out why he said what he said...try not to take offence, before you actually have a talk with him about it..there may be a reason for him doing what he did.


hugginonem
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:28 AM

I would love for my husband to help with connecting relaxation skills and responding to me before it gets out of control. Unfortunatley, he doesn't like to cause waves and doesn't weave her responsibility into the situation.

TOMBOI
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:30 AM
My dd was/is like but she was diagn with ADHD cause of those symtomps...so I do know what to say to help u..I'm just try to stay firm with mine an not feed into her negative thinking...Far as the hubby is concerned he's sound like a passifist..he pacifies an u don't ....
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jrp0606
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 12:32 AM
It sounds to me like he was trying a different approach. Maybe building empathy and a rapor is the way she will respond. Everyone is different - some people and children will act out if they feel attacked even by a parents discipline. By making her feel like this is something that you can work on together instead of placing blaim on anyone may be what your DD needs to get through this. I say let your husband try his approach. He is trying to understand your DD perspective and empathize with her thus possibly making her more willing to work with you.
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