Disrespect

Letting her know how hurtful it is to you isn't going to help. She is going to key on that and acknowledge that her behavior is doing what she wants it to, to get your goat.

My little brother was very disrespectful to our dad (was also a step-dad to the both of us). He would say the meanest things to him but he quickly learned that telling him that he wasn't his father was by far the most painful so he made sure to use that on him whenever things didn't go his way. My father learned to just smile and say, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that but I still love you and I will continue to be your dad even if you don't want me to." He didn't get pissed off or anything about him saying it. He never showed him that it hurt him. Eventually he figured out that his hurtful behavior wasn't getting the reaction he was looking for.

How long has she been in your custody?  Is this recent?

 Huh.  Whats funny is I'm actually babysitting my 10 year old step sister in law who is having the same issue with MIL  for this very reason tonight.  Take a step back from being the 'mother' figure in her life for just a few days.  Then when you feel like you've stepped back, blast Justin Bieber, paint toe nails, gossip about Edward vs. Jacob, go to mileycires.com, gossip about the latest us weekly, talk about her friends, ask lots of questions . just listen and have FUN,  and just have fun girl time with the two of you. Reestablish what ever trust that was lost for what ever reason in the past.  When she likes you she will then be able to respect you.  Then she will come to you for advice and treat you with respect.   :)  Plus slumber parties are lots of fun!  Trust me on this, I come from the craziest family ever lol!

Some children are manipulators, and pre-teens and teens typically are. They find out just what upsets you and that's what they use.  They may not even realize that they are doing it, but they get a rush out of finding that they can needle the adults in their lives. They are discovering themselves and that they have power.  There are several ways that you can handle this. The ignore it way- but sometimes this just makes them frustrated and angry. The way that Celtic_Dragon mentioned- acknowledging the hurt but deflecting by assuring of continued love. The alpha member of the family way-  establish that you are in charge and that what she is saying isn't acceptable and won't be tolerated. I used the Alpha way, but I don't know that it was the best, or even if it is a good way for everyone. I figured that we are mammals and that it is typical behavior for mammals to establish who is in charge of the group. I felt that if the child got away with being rude and disrespectful that they had established dominance, so I maintained my Alpha state. I also felt that children need boundaries, they crave knowing what their limits are.  As I said, I don't know if I was right or not, or if this is the way for everyone to go. It worked in my family. But it is possible that one of the other ways would have worked, too.

Deflecting seems the easiest way, if you can do it. And it might make for a more peaceful household.

Welcome to puberty. It will get worse before it gets better. Good Luck!

She moved in with my husband and I almost three years ago. The damage of her prior situation had pretty much already been done. My husband, thankfully, got primary custody of Sarah a year ago.

Quoting Celtic_Dragon:

Letting her know how hurtful it is to you isn't going to help. She is going to key on that and acknowledge that her behavior is doing what she wants it to, to get your goat.

My little brother was very disrespectful to our dad (was also a step-dad to the both of us). He would say the meanest things to him but he quickly learned that telling him that he wasn't his father was by far the most painful so he made sure to use that on him whenever things didn't go his way. My father learned to just smile and say, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that but I still love you and I will continue to be your dad even if you don't want me to." He didn't get pissed off or anything about him saying it. He never showed him that it hurt him. Eventually he figured out that his hurtful behavior wasn't getting the reaction he was looking for.

That makes a lot of sense. Sarah has pulled that line with me before and at first it did hurt me a lot, to the point that I would cry. It really piss me off because her biological mother has never been in her life and I think that Sarah thinks that I will abandon her like her mother did. I think that's why she pushes me away too because she wants to hold me at a distance just in case. Anyways, this morning I tried showing her that her naughty behavior didn't get to me and it worked! I was calm and I stayed strong and our morning turned out pretty well. Were you afraid of your dad? Did you react like your little brother?

I just want to wish you luck!  Mine is 6 and has become very disrespectful towards me but her mother IS in the picture every other weekend.  It's hard.  I'm learning to just take what she says with a grain of salt.  She'll realize one day who loved her and took care of her...or atleast I hope she will.

Quoting AudrasMommy:

I just want to wish you luck!  Mine is 6 and has become very disrespectful towards me but her mother IS in the picture every other weekend.  It's hard.  I'm learning to just take what she says with a grain of salt.  She'll realize one day who loved her and took care of her...or atleast I hope she will.

I feel the same way, feeling that doubt scares me. I'm glad that I found somebody that knows how I feel. It brings me a lot of comfort. Sarah's mother has restricted visitation, but she can always call Sarah and Sarah can always call her. It's hard because Sarah's mom hasn't came and visited her in three years, we live four hours away. It breaks my heart. There have been a few situations where we have had to go down and visit her because of family deaths and it feels like the relationship is one sided. Whenever Sarah does have contact with her mom, it has a negative impact on her. She gets angry, acts out, abuses animals, doesn't listen. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if her mom was either dead or actively involved in her life because our family is stuck in limbo. It pisses me off, I'm happy when Sarah can see her mom because her face brightens up and she laughs and for that ltitle time, Sarah has her mom back. It's hard looking at it from the outside though because she's happy, but in the back of my head I know that her mom's behavior is an act. She doesn't care, she doesn't care that Sarah has emotional problems because of her, she doesn't care that she has abandoned Sarah, I don't think that she even cares. Sarah is so disconnected from her emotions that it's scary and I hope that she doesn't turn out like her mom. Sometimes I don't know if I can have enough of an impact on my daughter to move her away from the wrong path that her mom went down. My thinking has changed a lot from when Sarah first came. I've accepted the fact that Sarah's mom is the way that she is and it's my duty to show Sarah how to be a respectable, responsible woman. I still feel a lot of anger towards her mom, I guess that I just vented a lot because I've become the target of my daughter's anger and I haven't done anything wrong. I'm sad because I know that Sarah's sad.

How long has your daughter lived with you? Does she react negatively every time she comes back from her mom's?  I want to let you know that I have a lot of respect for you because it takes a lot of strength for you to raise a daughter who goes back and forth from different environments. Not only is it difficult for you, but it's probably most difficult for your daughter. Sarah came into my life around age 6, and one thing that I would have done differently is put more of an emphasis on having Sarah label her emotions. Little ones like our daughters tend to push their emotions down and disconnect from negative situations. I guess that it's easier to understand how they feel earlier than later. I hope to talk to you soon. :-)  

It does sound like she has abandonment issues, so she's going to keep you at arms length so she doesn't get hurt again. I don't really have any advice, but I do know that the "evil" step parent isn't always that. I HATED my step father for many years and now we love eachother dearly. He's my other dad and I would be lost without him. The girl time advice was wise advice and you should make that effort. I wouldn't show her how much she hurts you. Don't let it hurt you, she's a child who's hurting and scared. All you can do is be there and your constant will reassure her eventually.

Quoting potttm87:

 

Quoting Celtic_Dragon:

Letting her know how hurtful it is to you isn't going to help. She is going to key on that and acknowledge that her behavior is doing what she wants it to, to get your goat.

My little brother was very disrespectful to our dad (was also a step-dad to the both of us). He would say the meanest things to him but he quickly learned that telling him that he wasn't his father was by far the most painful so he made sure to use that on him whenever things didn't go his way. My father learned to just smile and say, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that but I still love you and I will continue to be your dad even if you don't want me to." He didn't get pissed off or anything about him saying it. He never showed him that it hurt him. Eventually he figured out that his hurtful behavior wasn't getting the reaction he was looking for.

That makes a lot of sense. Sarah has pulled that line with me before and at first it did hurt me a lot, to the point that I would cry. It really piss me off because her biological mother has never been in her life and I think that Sarah thinks that I will abandon her like her mother did. I think that's why she pushes me away too because she wants to hold me at a distance just in case. Anyways, this morning I tried showing her that her naughty behavior didn't get to me and it worked! I was calm and I stayed strong and our morning turned out pretty well. Were you afraid of your dad? Did you react like your little brother?