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Just need to get this out.

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 2:08 AM
  • 4 Replies

I recently just lost my Grandma whom we call Nannie to a heart attack. Her passing was both sudden and very unexpected. My entire family (30 of us) had all planned and paid for a 7 day cruise for November (which is cancled now) and we even had plans to go to California next year. My Nannie was the rock of our family, organizing and keeping everything together. All 30 of us go to her house (still) for Sunday lunch. My Grandfather is a widower! I just can't get past that. My Nannie had the biggest and kindest heart out there. She'd been a foster parent for the past 10 years. She has four biological children, two adopted adult children, and three adopted younger children (10, 9, and 2) She was only 59! I can't believe she is gone. I lived with her for 15 years. She was my rock. I knew what I had and still she was taken from me. My heart is so broken right now to a million friggin pieces. We are from a small town and everyone knew my Nannie and the role she played as a saloon girl at a local dude ranch (yes at 59) She was beautiful, young, healthy, and vital. Then all of the sudden, she was gone. One single heart attack. Her heart of gold stopped beating. As they turned off the life support, all my family (The adults anyway) were all holding onto her. My son (who is almost three) still remembers that day and talks about her all the time. She was a talented singer and recorded her singing many many christian songs. We now have those tapes and listen to them everyday. I need her so bad right now and it's not even fair. I don't even know where to begin on how to cope with this grief. I am trying to be strong for my family but it's so hard to all be together every Sunday and to know she should be there with us. I still catch myself picking up the phone to call her (as I did EVERYDAY) and when I walk into her house, I look around expecting her to be rocking a foster baby or sewing, or cooking something. And when I realize why she isn't there, it's a friggin sucker punch. It hurts, so bad. She was so important to my family. We are and always have been a close, very close family. It was because of her. I miss her so much. It's been 10 weeks and 2 days since she passed away. Every day, every hour, and every second have been pure hell. I find a little comfort in knowing she lived a full and wonderful life. She touched many people and was a true Christian lady. She led the singing at our church. I havent been back there because I'm not strong enough yet. I go to her grave almost daily to talk to her. It only makes me angry to know that she's under the ground, in the dark when she loved the sun. It isn't right. Man, I just wish I knew why. I was so angry with God for the longest time but I realized He is taking care of her and us even though we are hurting so much. I feel like I am SO lucky to have had the chance to love someone so beautiful so much. I love you, Nannie and I miss you more than words can say. You will always be alive in my heart, where it counts.

You don't have to comment, I really just needed to get these feelings out. They've been building

 

Becky Dillon

October 22nd, 1950- July 18th, 2010

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 2:08 AM
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Replies (1-4):
CallieLynsMommy
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 2:11 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss hun, she sounds amazing! I think you all should still go on the cruise,make it a celebration of her life! You'll be in my thoughts!
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PeaceMuch
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 2:19 AM

 I know how you feel. My mom passed July 9th this year. She was my best friend, my everything. I too feel very lost. She also passed away from a heart attack, very sudden and shocking. She was 48.
I am so sorry for your loss. And it's a good thing to talk about it and put her name and face out there.
*hugs*

fairymom2316
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:50 AM

im sorrygroup hug


naumann24
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:54 AM

awww. I am sorry. I know how you feel. When I lost my grandpa I felt exactly the same way. As time goes on it will get a little easier but you will never forget. I can't go to my grandpas grave every day cause I don't live close enough but when I am there I visit often. I wish you the best.

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