Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

sister issues with annual christmas dinner, need help asap! **Long sorry**

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 2:41 AM
  • 16 Replies

I have a dd from a previous relationship for the first 2 years we went to my sister's house for all holidays, Christmas Eve with my oldest dd's family (her dad's side) and Christmas we went to each family members houses (parents, grand parents, aunts, uncle, siblings, and so on) starting with my sisters house by 9 am. This became too much for me on Christmas because I literally made 4 SUV loads of gifts home, we didn't get home until really late and hadn't gotten to eat dinner. I stated I was not leaving my house on Christmas anymore and offered to host dinner.

After I got married 5 years ago we have been splitting holidays Easter is at my sister's (as well as 4th of July & Memorial day), Thanksgiving my oldest dd goes with her dad and his side, and my dh, youngest dd and I go to my in-law's, Christmas Eve my house hold goes to my oldest dd's family's (her dad's side) and I host Christmas at my house. All families agreed this worked the best.

Three years ago most of my family stopped talking, because of "differences" between my sister and the rest of the family. Despite the differences with the family I still invited the WHOLE family to Christmas dinner (including my in-laws) everyone still came to my house. I was not and am not in the middle of their differences and have asked that they please leave me out of it. Since my sister doesn't see our side of the family anymore she asked that we only give gift for the kids on Christmas, we all agreed (especially with the economy). Two years ago she had set up "cookie swaps so we could exchange gifts for the kids" at her house (she lives 30 mins away and the rest of us live within 10 mins of each other) is because it is "closer for me to drive to her house, than it is for her to drive to mine" and "she wasn't sure if she was coming to Christmas dinner", then she came to Christmas dinner anyway.

I send out invitations (with rsvps) to our dad's side of the family, my in-laws and her in-laws. I also invite my uncle's mother in-law and any other married in family that might not have a place to go so about 30 people. Last year I had recieved 8 declines and she told me she and her family couldn't make it either (that's 4 more). I adjusted the food to feed 20 people. I got a call from her on Christmas morning saying she was on her way. I barley had enough food to feed everyone and I didn't even get to eat.

When she asked if I was having Christmas this year, I said yep. She said well I don't know what I'm doing... we should do a traveling Christmas where we all come to my house to exchange gifts with the kids. I reminded her why I don't leave my house on Christmas. She said well we can do it before Christmas like on the 23rd. This annoys me to no end, the only family member that has kids is our cousin and she lives 5 mins from me. The rest of the families enjoy coming to my house for Christmas except her. My sister hates when she isn't in-control. This is an on going thing with everything.. especially with Christmas. She has also asked to have Thanksgiving back as well because "its not fair to her when I go to my in-laws".

I am getting ready to send out the invitations for dinner should I be firm on the RSVP and accept her "maybe' as 'no'? Should I state that any if anyone doesn't respond by the given date they will be considered a "no"? Should I give in and go to her house before Christmas to exchange gifts for the kids?

I am getting frustrated and I don't know what I should do. I am afraid if I tell her to knock it off, she will hold a grudge for the next 10 yrs. She tells me repeatedly that she has "no family except her husband, son and mother in-law". I've also been told repeatedly that "its not fair I have a good relationship with my ex, his family and my husband's family".I'm sick of giving in to my big sister and changing my plans to accommodate her wanting me to go to her house, then her showing up at my house anyway.

by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 2:41 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
AmericanChild82
by Member on Dec. 3, 2011 at 6:00 AM
I'd say that anyone who hasn't responded or gives a maybe will be considered a no. If they decide to show youre going to need at least 48 hours notice to make proper adjustments.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Charley427
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 6:08 AM
Hey rsvp means rsvp she needs to get over it and grow up. I wouldnt got to her house at all tell her if she wants to Exchange gifts it has to be on Xmas.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Meghan1987
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 6:28 AM
This!!


Quoting AmericanChild82:

I'd say that anyone who hasn't responded or gives a maybe will be considered a no. If they decide to show youre going to need at least 48 hours notice to make proper adjustments.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 3, 2011 at 8:01 AM

I've experienced people who even though they know what RSVP means, they don't feel that they have to do it. So in your family's case, call all non responders or maybes and ask. Would it work out at all to exchange presents with your sister a few days early at her place, but have the main present exchange when you want it on Christmas day at your place? Since she wants control, is there some way you can make her feel in control but still do as you prefer... such as your asking her advice on various subjects, or asking what her preference is,  or asking her to organize what food guests are bringing (if they are bringing food), etc. or asking her to come over and help decorate- something so she feels in charge.

XStarrBrighX
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 10:49 AM

The kids are as follows.. She has a 1- 12 yr old son, my cousin has 2- Sons 7and 2 yrs, and my 2- daughters 7yrs and 21 mons. When we exchange gifts at her house there isn't any gifts to exchange on Christmas between the kids. We do not exchange with adults (anyone over 18 even if they don't have kids). When we had exchanged gifts at her house my kids got their gifts from the rest of the families (except the ones with kids) on Christmas this made it awkard for the rest of the kids. Who wanted to know why they weren't getting gifts even tho they had already received them.  

As for asking her for suggestions, I've done this. Her family prefers ham instead of turkey, where my family prefers turkey. 4 years ago I added ham to menu as well as the turkey, it wasn't the kind she liked so I again changed the type of ham. Her husband has type 1 diabetes, so I was asked to stop making candied yams altogether which is my favorite. I have always made diabetic friendly foods as well as regular because he isn't the only diabetic in the family. The only suggestion I haven't considers is to not invite family she is currently not speaking to (about all of them).

I have the house decorated way before Christmas, we set up the tables and chairs about an hour before the guest arrive. No  one is asked to bring anything for dinner. I feel if I invite you, you shouldn't have to bring anything. Its gotten to the point where when the rest of the family RSVPs they say "were bringing ______ for dessert!'

I could care less if we even exchange gifts at all. The way I see it we are family and we should be together for Christmas. With or with gifts, another reason everyone was glad to change it to the kids only is because she is very hard to shop for and is extremly rude and ungrateful for everything she gets. Then invites you to her "multi-family yard sale" in the spring where she is selling everything that was bought for her and her family still in in the boxes unopened.

NookBoookMom
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 12:32 PM

I would flat out write " IF YOU DONT RSVP, YOU WONT EAT" end of story , I think its bs to host and not be able to eat in your own home, and if she calls and says she is coming remind her to stop and pick up her own food,

NookBoookMom
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 12:35 PM

wow,I am going to be the b** here and tell them either EAT WHAT I MAKE OR NOT @ ALL, I think its a shame to go above and beyond for such spiteful people, if he cant eat it oh well! move on to what is there! they have no RIGHT to complain for a free meal, they sound ungrateful and horrid, start buying her stuff from the dollar store. you are in YOUR home and should cook whatever the hell you like if he doesnt like it , he can eat before he comes or bring his own food.

dh;s family has some diabetic members BUT they wont ever dare to complain about a meal and what should and shouldnt be cook, there is something for everyone,

Quoting XStarrBrighX:

The kids are as follows.. She has a 1- 12 yr old son, my cousin has 2- Sons 7and 2 yrs, and my 2- daughters 7yrs and 21 mons. When we exchange gifts at her house there isn't any gifts to exchange on Christmas between the kids. We do not exchange with adults (anyone over 18 even if they don't have kids). When we had exchanged gifts at her house my kids got their gifts from the rest of the families (except the ones with kids) on Christmas this made it awkard for the rest of the kids. Who wanted to know why they weren't getting gifts even tho they had already received them.  

As for asking her for suggestions, I've done this. Her family prefers ham instead of turkey, where my family prefers turkey. 4 years ago I added ham to menu as well as the turkey, it wasn't the kind she liked so I again changed the type of ham. Her husband has type 1 diabetes, so I was asked to stop making candied yams altogether which is my favorite. I have always made diabetic friendly foods as well as regular because he isn't the only diabetic in the family. The only suggestion I haven't considers is to not invite family she is currently not speaking to (about all of them).

I have the house decorated way before Christmas, we set up the tables and chairs about an hour before the guest arrive. No  one is asked to bring anything for dinner. I feel if I invite you, you shouldn't have to bring anything. Its gotten to the point where when the rest of the family RSVPs they say "were bringing ______ for dessert!'

I could care less if we even exchange gifts at all. The way I see it we are family and we should be together for Christmas. With or with gifts, another reason everyone was glad to change it to the kids only is because she is very hard to shop for and is extremly rude and ungrateful for everything she gets. Then invites you to her "multi-family yard sale" in the spring where she is selling everything that was bought for her and her family still in in the boxes unopened.


bookdragon
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 2:02 PM

 Seems that it's her problem not yours. If she doesn't reply with a yes then shows up tell her she'll have to go get her own food because you only made enough for those who were polite enough to reply that they'd be coming.

Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 3, 2011 at 2:56 PM

She shouldn't ask you to stop making foods because her husband is diabetic. You can explain to him which foods have sugar so he'll know what he can have.

-PB
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2011 at 3:10 PM

 Wow.  You are nicer than me.  I wouldn't even invite her.  Her ungratefulness and rudeness is too much hassle.  If she asked why she didn't get an invitation I'd say "I'm so sorry, didn't think you would want to come.  You know, b/c you don't consider us part of your family, and all. You probably wouldn't like the food anyway." 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)