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Need some advice... How do I bounce back???

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Will try to keep this short and sweet. 

Got married (1st time), in August of 2009, after dating my scientist/tenured Professor boy friend, 2 years.  Shortly after getting married, my husband (who called and/or texted several times a day), stopped communicating almost all together.  He became distant, spending large amounts of time away from me and my daughter and started behaving like an extremist:  sudden bust of anger which resulted in torn down doors, kicking holes in walls, refusing to miss a week of Church (when we never went to Church while dating), militant parenting with his own child (a son), scratching his head and eating the dead skin/scabs... 

His actions became unpredictable and unbearable.  We started marriage counseling and eventually I wanted to quit because I knew in the bottom of my heart he was not being honest in the therapy room or any place else.  It was as if, every fiber of my being was screaming "Lies, he is lying to you and to everyone"... 

Finally, after weeks of listening to him in counseling "some" of the truth came out.  My husband is a transvestite/cross dresser (and has been since he was 13), and that was only the beginning.  I felt really angry to only be learning of this 15 months into our marriage.  Didn't I deserve to know before getting married?  It also changed the way I perceived all the seemingly nice things he had done for me prior to getting married:  buying me lingerie, clothes, jewelry, furs, etc... He wore my size, so all of those pretty things were actually things he wanted (and intended) to wear, himself. 

It didn't just stop at dressing, after some internet investigating I discovered my husband had (not just 1, but) 2 personal web pages where he was opening trolling for other Cross dressing/Transvestite men (seeking some daytime slip experiences).  Needless to say, I left his things in the Car port and we have never spoke again. 

He never apologized for lying or cheating or acknowledged any wrong doing and I have since found out I am not the only woman he has done this to.  I am so hurt and humiliated and I have lost all of the confidence I had prior to meeting him.  

Has anyone had a similar experience?  How did you pick yourself back up?  What did you do?  What happened to your marriage?

Advice is greatly appreciated :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

by on Dec. 9, 2011 at 10:42 AM
Replies (141-150):
Lynnp21467
by on Dec. 12, 2011 at 8:19 PM

My first question to you would be did you really love this person? I have a sister that did go through this same thing and she went through most of the same feelings but there was several things that were different and one was her husband never lied to her but was honest to a point by telling her of his fetish for female clothing and then told her from him and before she had ever heard anything from others that he really felt he was a female that happened to be born with a mans body and that he did feel that way since he was 12 yrs of age.

I can tell you they are very happy now and do live as a lesbian couple.

 

Lynn

mommaT1983
by on Dec. 12, 2011 at 9:23 PM
I'm sorry but what he did isn't justifiable at all!! Whatever is going through his head at the time is just that in his head! No one can read his mind...and the person you marry and love is the one person you can confide in right? So, what was it that kept him from telling her? I think its an excuse to say he's scared or afraid because with anything other thing like cheating those excuses wouldn't fly! If my husband (12 years together) did this to me I would have every right as he would to feel whatever the fuck I feel! I wouldn't think "who" he is as bad or wrong but that he used that and took it out on you. You will get through this and so will he. It takes time and lots of different feeling that you both will and have every right to feel. Keep you head up and keep doing you :)
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gracieb3
by on Dec. 12, 2011 at 10:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm not sure if he told her a little or not before marriage .  So to answer what you asked, I would fully blame him for not acknowledging this about himself.  If he has any deal breaking deviant behaviors, desires or uncertain then he should have sought counseling to work through them and told her immediately after and way before marriage.  The thing is that in the opening post she notes he has been crossing dressing since his teens.  He did acknowledge what he was doing the entire time.  Proof is that he hid it.  Had he been in denial, he'd of had an awkward desire but never have crossed dress.  He knew his desires enough to be engaging in cross dressing since the age of 13.  He knew long enough and he sought a female to marry under false pretenses.  He found one similar in size and bought her things he could wear as a guise to continue to hide his deviant behaviors.  (Don't get me wrong, I don't mind gays, lesbians, cross dressers, transvestite, transgender, or any thing else.  I do mind taking another person into your stuff without full knowledge and consent.)  So if by some chance he had these desires, suppressed them, never acted them out and suddenly was curious, I'd cut him slack.  Nothing revealed here says he deserves slack for what he did to her.  He knowingly misled her.  He committed to a fraudulent marriage and deceived the person he was marrying.  The thing about a contract is that if under false pretenses and if information withheld would have changed the other party's willingness to contract then it void.  He decided for her the moment he lied and every time he continued to lie.  As for the cross-dressing that's it, but let's not forget he was trolling on line for meet ups and who knows if he did? 

Quoting purpleducky:

But did he acknowledge before the marriage that he was a cross dresser (or transgender individual since my question hasn't been answered yet)? I have not read all the replies so I do not know if the OP mentioned that. Could or would you still blame him even if he didn't fully acknowledge or realize this about himself?

Quoting gracieb3: 

 


LindaClement
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:02 AM

My point, which you've made it very clearly for me, is that we are only allowed to be compassionate with the Good People, right?

I mean, no one who ever does anything wrong is ever deserving of compassion. If he'd made no mistakes at all, he'd be entitled to some, but, wow, he did so tough shit buddy.

And as I've said elsewhere: compassion is NOT and either/or accounting. Being compassionate of humans does not require not being compassionate of sub-humans --even when they're men.

Quoting harehelper:

Are you being serious right now? If he had been honest with her before they got married, then ok, let's have compassion for the guy's problems. But sorry honey, this guy lied, cheated (with another man or another woman, it's still cheating!) He had violent outburst where he destroyed parts of their house. He had also done this more than once with other women, did he not figure out this wouldn't work the first time? He wasn't even decent enough to apologize for the hell he had put her through. I have to say, if my SO was treating me this way, and acting like a total psycho, I would have divorced him too, no matter what the reason was. He acted like a sweet caring guy until after they got married, and then totally tunred into a different person.  The OP is the VICTIM here, not the criminal!

Quoting LindaClement:

Sorry, I forgot to add: now you know why he didn't tell you. He was afraid you'd act exactly as you have.



Christy644
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:11 AM
2 moms liked this

 Cross-dresser, frog licker, CEO, baker,.....no matter what the label, this man cheated and was violent. BOTH of which are deal breakers for so many people.

I am not understanding why some are so focused on the crossdresser must get compassion from her. Bullshit, he is a cheater and an abuser. Bottom line. No fluff, no labels, no reason. CHEATER ABUSER.

 

 

LindaClement
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

You know, I recently ran into a woman in her 60s who had just discovered that canned soup has a horrifically-high level of sodium. 

What you have known is available, or exists in the world, is no indication of any kind of what anyone else knows about, even if you've known about it since the 50s. And for some people, very little has changed since the 50s.

I know about the tlgb world, partly because I know a great deal about the variations of humanity throughout history and across the globe... but that doesn't mean that my neighbours do. Even people I went to school with have no idea about all kinds of things 'like that' --and if they never had a person 'like that' come up over their horizon of experience, if they had those kinds of feelings or desires (or experiences), they would feel very, very alone.

You can't know about something until you learn about it. 

Throughout this conversation, for example, I have been completely gobsmacked by the tremendous level of judgement, bias, intolerance and outright hatred for people's mistakes. I knew it was prevalent, that form of self-loathing, but I've rarely run into such vivid and confident declarations of it.

Quoting Uzma_mom_of_2:

I  don't care what he wears. He's a bastard for cheating on her and lying to her. Boo freakin hoo he has issues. Grow up. This isn't the 50's. If he was really so confused and hurt and blah blah blah, he can hunt down support for himself. I have zero compassion for this loser.  Information is available, he's just a selfish prick.

Ggirl, take away the cross-dressing aspect, and you're left with a cheating, lying, loser. Move on from that point.  I'm misquoting but the line went "Only focus on that next step, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, just that next step. And then the next, and eventually you'll find yourself walking out of the shadows."


Christy644
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:21 AM

 so you are saying that as long as if tlgb somewhere in the mix then it;s ok to cheat and be an abuser?

no. it's not ok. cheating is still cheating, it's crossing a line that is drawn once you commit yourself as husband and wife to each other. If SHE cheated with another man it would be unacceptable, but because HE has the tlgb for his reason then its ok?

Quoting LindaClement:

You know, I recently ran into a woman in her 60s who had just discovered that canned soup has a horrifically-high level of sodium. 

What you have known is available, or exists in the world, is no indication of any kind of what anyone else knows about, even if you've known about it since the 50s. And for some people, very little has changed since the 50s.

I know about the tlgb world, partly because I know a great deal about the variations of humanity throughout history and across the globe... but that doesn't mean that my neighbours do. Even people I went to school with have no idea about all kinds of things 'like that' --and if they never had a person 'like that' come up over their horizon of experience, if they had those kinds of feelings or desires (or experiences), they would feel very, very alone.

You can't know about something until you learn about it. 

Throughout this conversation, for example, I have been completely gobsmacked by the tremendous level of judgement, bias, intolerance and outright hatred for people's mistakes. I knew it was prevalent, that form of self-loathing, but I've rarely run into such vivid and confident declarations of it.

Quoting Uzma_mom_of_2:

I  don't care what he wears. He's a bastard for cheating on her and lying to her. Boo freakin hoo he has issues. Grow up. This isn't the 50's. If he was really so confused and hurt and blah blah blah, he can hunt down support for himself. I have zero compassion for this loser.  Information is available, he's just a selfish prick.

Ggirl, take away the cross-dressing aspect, and you're left with a cheating, lying, loser. Move on from that point.  I'm misquoting but the line went "Only focus on that next step, don't worry about tomorrow or next week, just that next step. And then the next, and eventually you'll find yourself walking out of the shadows."


 

My life story can't be a LIFETIME movie...It has to be

                                         a

                                 mini-series!

purpleducky
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:24 AM
Because some of us thought she kicked him out solely for crossdressing.

Quoting Christy644:

 Cross-dresser, frog licker, CEO, baker,.....no matter what the label, this man cheated and was violent. BOTH of which are deal breakers for so many people.


I am not understanding why some are so focused on the crossdresser must get compassion from her. Bullshit, he is a cheater and an abuser. Bottom line. No fluff, no labels, no reason. CHEATER ABUSER.


 


 

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LindaClement
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:32 AM

Okay, good.

And how does hating that person help anyone do anything in any context?

Quoting Christy644:

 Cross-dresser, frog licker, CEO, baker,.....no matter what the label, this man cheated and was violent. BOTH of which are deal breakers for so many people.

I am not understanding why some are so focused on the crossdresser must get compassion from her. Bullshit, he is a cheater and an abuser. Bottom line. No fluff, no labels, no reason. CHEATER ABUSER.

 

 


Christy644
by on Dec. 13, 2011 at 11:34 AM

 Having serious negative emotion towards somebody that hurt you deeply can help you move on. I HATE my ex, HATE him to the core. I will die hating that man for what he put me thru. Does that make me mentally unhealthy...hell no! that makes me stronger.

Hating him helps me. Some things are unforgivable. LIfe goes on.

Quoting LindaClement:

Okay, good.

And how does hating that person help anyone do anything in any context?

Quoting Christy644:

 Cross-dresser, frog licker, CEO, baker,.....no matter what the label, this man cheated and was violent. BOTH of which are deal breakers for so many people.

I am not understanding why some are so focused on the crossdresser must get compassion from her. Bullshit, he is a cheater and an abuser. Bottom line. No fluff, no labels, no reason. CHEATER ABUSER.

 

 


 

My life story can't be a LIFETIME movie...It has to be

                                         a

                                 mini-series!

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