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What Kind Of Actions, If Any, Would You Take?

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:55 PM
  • 27 Replies

So i just posted something but i forgot to add something in it lol

I'm being tempted to just cut off all communication with my son's dad. If you saw the other post you know he's been spending more time with his girlfriend than he does with DS. I'm done trying to get him to spend time with DS, if he wants it he'll ask me. But, he usually watches DS while i work on saturdays. the past two saturdays he's made me late or almost late for work because he's not being responsible. He's a rapper so whenever he has shows they're on friday nights, and i do give him the option to see DS on sunday instead of seeing him on saturday. he always wants saturdays. But anyways last weekend i was texting him and calling him and he wasnt picking up. So, since i couldnt get ahold of him i had to find someone else to watch DS then i was late for work... he did text me back at 9:45, but i drop DS off at 9:30 so by then it was too late. then this weekend (yesterday) he called me at 9:20 saying that he "was on his way home and would be there at 9:40" so, i was one minute shy of being late for work again because of him. then he didnt understand why i was pissed. he kept saying "i was on time and i didnt drink last night how much more responsible do you want me to get" those were his EXACT words to me. I told him that being on time would've meant being at home waiting for me to drop DS off at 9:30. He decided to stay out all night with his girlfriend the night before, thats not my problem, thats his problem. i just can take it anymore. these two incidents are NOT the first time anything like this has happened. I told him that i would just see if my dad could watch DS instead on saturday's because i need someone i can count on to be there. Do you guys think i should stick to that or should i give in and let him see DS the next time he asks (or next saturday, whichever comes first)?

P.S. for the record, i DID file for custody a couple weeks ago so there's nothing i can do until i hear back from the court now

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 12:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lioness3e
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:44 PM

Of course you let him see his son when he wants. As for relaying on him for anything else, I'd find a better resource to help out with your son.

It sounds as if you need to lower your expectations of this man. It's obvious you can't relay on him, so why keep expecting him to change?, he won't change and he will especially won't change to your expectations. Find another caregiver, one you can relay on. When he wants parenting time, give it to him. Your son still needs his father, even if he can be irresponsible.

misslady80013
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 1:55 PM
I agree! No matter what you have going on with him, leave the baby out of it. My mom wouldn't let me see my dad unless he gave her money to buy drugs. I am seeing a therapist and still resent her for that. I resent my dad for knowing what was going on and chose to leave me with her, but that's another story.


Quoting lioness3e:

Of course you let him see his son when he wants. As for relaying on him for anything else, I'd find a better resource to help out with your son.

It sounds as if you need to lower your expectations of this man. It's obvious you can't relay on him, so why keep expecting him to change?, he won't change and he will especially won't change to your expectations. Find another caregiver, one you can relay on. When he wants parenting time, give it to him. Your son still needs his father, even if he can be irresponsible.


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erinsmom1964
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this

HONESTLY?  You sound a little jealous and looking for excuses to punish him by taking your child away.  ALMOST late doesn't count for anything.  NONE of your business or concern where he was before he came home to get his son. especially when you where not even late.

You say he was late and missed out on the time with his son and so he made sure to call you BEFORE he was to watch him so you knew he was on his way ...sounds like he really wanted to see his child.

If this really is more than the one time you have told us about then find childcare but keeping him from his father for that IMO is wrong.

Queen_Bree
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:08 PM

Dont depend on irresponsible people... Have a plan B. Under no circumstances should you ever stop your child's father from seeing them unless they are abusing your child... Take your child to the grand parent and let the Dad pick them up from there.. problem solved.

TreysMom827
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 4:10 PM

how do i sound jealous? all i expect from him is to do whats best for DS and to be there when he says he will. not to be on his way home when he says he'll be home... which is the point. i cant keep giving him time with DS and count on him to be there to watch him if he cant even be home on time. i agree its none of my business what he does, but since he makes that a HUGE point to why he cant see DS very often and uses it as an excuse i have a right to be upset over that since he chose to tell me what he was doing and he chose to tell me he was his girlfriend all night.. i didnt ask him about any of that. all i care about is that he wasnt home when he was supposed to be.i've been late to work 5 times because of him being irresponsible and i've had to even call out once because he ignored me and i couldnt get someone last minute to babysit. If he attempts to even see DS sometime soon and i'm supposed to work i guess i'll just make sure i have a back up, but thats not something i should even have to do if his own dad is supposed to be watching him. and i cant expect even my parents or friends let alone DS' babysitter to keep their plans wide open just in case his dad cant watch him, not fair to them. I'll do it, but its not fair to anyone except DS' dad.

some people that commented on this made it seem like i keep DS from his dad on a daily basis, i've only kept DS from his dad 2 times; once because he had been screaming at me and shit in front of DS saying how much he hates me and the other time was because ia lready had something we had to do that day.

Quoting erinsmom1964:

HONESTLY?  You sound a little jealous and looking for excuses to punish him by taking your child away.  ALMOST late doesn't count for anything.  NONE of your business or concern where he was before he came home to get his son. especially when you where not even late.

You say he was late and missed out on the time with his son and so he made sure to call you BEFORE he was to watch him so you knew he was on his way ...sounds like he really wanted to see his child.

If this really is more than the one time you have told us about then find childcare but keeping him from his father for that IMO is wrong.


appraisergirl
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 4:33 PM

I don't think that you sound jealous, I didn't get that at all.  I think that this type of situation is very tough to navigate, it sounds as though your sense of responsibility is just more in tune with what you need to happen.  You need to be on time for work, You need help with your son so that you can work, you need for him to take responsibility for his actions or lack thereof.   I don't think that you understand his point of view and you deem his actions irresponsible (so do I) and you are just venting his choice because it doesn't make sense to you.

Your Son NEEDS his Dad and I know that your sense of responsibility will prevail and you will do whatever you can to encourage that relationship.  

It's obvious that the current situation isn't working, so you just have to come up with a better solution.  Is it possible to have a Saturday babysitter, that you can always rely on and that your sons Dad can get him when he is available.   To me, if this was happening to me, I would feel controlled by his (baby daddy) actions, and I hate feeling controlled.  Controlled in the sense that I couldn't just go on and do a routine and not be dependant upon a person who isn't dependable, this type of situation makes me ANGRY, so I would do anything else not to be put in that type of situation.  That's just me though perhaps there is a bigger reason why this situation bothers you, but if it isn't working you have to find a different solution and alienating your son's Dad isn't going to help matters.  

Good Luck.

Coastiesgirl
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 5:45 PM
Dads aren't babysitters. Don't rely on him as one. If my kids dad was out all night I wouldn't want him to stay with my kids. What kind of attention are they getting with dad asleep?
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TreysMom827
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:27 PM

this whole thing is how i feel! lol i dont understand the jealous thing either, but i dont uderstand the rest of what people were saying. I've never kept DS from his dad unless i absolutely had to.  andup until last week his dad didnt have a license and couldnt drive to a babysitters house to pick him up (and he thinks its my responsibilty alone to pay the babysitter, even if he were to pick him up). So NOW that could be possible i'd just have to talk to his dad and his babysitter.

His dad and i talked today, and we've come to the conclusion ( we actually agreed!) that we're both being immature and handling all of this like teenagers, and not as parents. So we're going to try harder, but we're also going to try to go to a counselor so we can just get along at the very least

Quoting appraisergirl:

I don't think that you sound jealous, I didn't get that at all.  I think that this type of situation is very tough to navigate, it sounds as though your sense of responsibility is just more in tune with what you need to happen.  You need to be on time for work, You need help with your son so that you can work, you need for him to take responsibility for his actions or lack thereof.   I don't think that you understand his point of view and you deem his actions irresponsible (so do I) and you are just venting his choice because it doesn't make sense to you.

Your Son NEEDS his Dad and I know that your sense of responsibility will prevail and you will do whatever you can to encourage that relationship.  

It's obvious that the current situation isn't working, so you just have to come up with a better solution.  Is it possible to have a Saturday babysitter, that you can always rely on and that your sons Dad can get him when he is available.   To me, if this was happening to me, I would feel controlled by his (baby daddy) actions, and I hate feeling controlled.  Controlled in the sense that I couldn't just go on and do a routine and not be dependant upon a person who isn't dependable, this type of situation makes me ANGRY, so I would do anything else not to be put in that type of situation.  That's just me though perhaps there is a bigger reason why this situation bothers you, but if it isn't working you have to find a different solution and alienating your son's Dad isn't going to help matters.  

Good Luck.


TreysMom827
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:29 PM

to be fair he wasnt up and partying all night, he did sleep friday night, just not at home, and i think he said he was sleeping over with his girlfriend or something like that but i understand what you mean. he doesnt think its fair that "he was on time" and i was pissed about it.

Quoting Coastiesgirl:

Dads aren't babysitters. Don't rely on him as one. If my kids dad was out all night I wouldn't want him to stay with my kids. What kind of attention are they getting with dad asleep?


Sweet_Carol_126
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:43 PM

Do you have any reason not to have him pick him up at 9:00 when he wants to have visitation with your son?  Then you have time to get to work and know by 9 whether or not he is picking him up.  you don't have to drop him off.   That is his responsibility if he wants visitation.  Try to have someone who might back up in case he doesn't show up.  Or have him pick him up on Saturday evening and keep him until Sunday (if your child is old enough to sleep over).  That way you would have Saturday night for your thing.

If the court did not tell you when his visitation is, then you decide the visitation time. Do it when it is more convenient for you.  I can see that his being at work on Friday night could be a problem for Saturday but then he wants that time.  You don't have to drop off a child to his house.  Does he bring him home?  That would be fair, but you could have him pick him up and bring him back or you could pick him up, maybe on your way home from work or the next morning.  Think this out and find a way you think it will work.  But you need more time in case he doesn't show up.  So I'd suggest he pick him up at 9:00 and then by 9:10, make other plans and take him and he missed his visitation. 

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