My 14yr old son is struggling with feelings of anger, resentment, & hatred towards his father. He's been saying a lot lately how he hates his dad & couldn't care less if he visits or not. He's hurt that his dad doesn't come to visit very often & thinks the reason for this is because his dad would rather be with his girlfriends & the gf's children. He also feels that his dad cares for & provides for said other children more than his own kiddies. I've tried to explain to him that his father loves him & his siblings, & that they always come first, but it's not getting through. He's stuck on things that has gone on while visiting his father & he's unable to let it go. He feels that if dad wasn't "paying for someone else's cable", then he'd have money to give him. He knows his father provides for them, but it's not what he wants at this point in his life, in my opinion. Their father is an awesome provider, he just doesn't have his priorities in order. It's such a long, long story.
Bottom line is their father let's them see too much of his personal life with these women & as children they don't understand the way an adult would. Their father doesn't think it's a big deal to discuss "adult" things in front of them & because of this, he is steadily shooting himself in the foot.
I just want all of my kids to have a positive, loving, healthy relationship with their father. How do I help my son through this tough time he's having? What do I say? What can I do?
I guess all you really can do is be there to listen and keep reminding him that his dad loves him. Unfortunatly actions speak louder than words so if his dad's actions arent in line with whats comingout his mouth it is hurting him. I really dont have any advice but I do wish you the best.
The only thing you could really do is talk to their dad. They are at an age where they are going to be making up their own minds.
I agree. I hope things get better, soon.
Quoting Queen_Bree:I guess all you really can do is be there to listen and keep reminding him that his dad loves him. Unfortunatly actions speak louder than words so if his dad's actions arent in line with whats comingout his mouth it is hurting him. I really dont have any advice but I do wish you the best.
14yos are kind of like that... it's a good idea if you can hear and absorb that anger without taking it to mean too much. Read the underlying message instead: he's hurting because he feels rejected by his dad's shift in attention. For good reason: it's hurtful. No need to sugar coat the truth your son can see... perhaps he's wondering if he's allowed to see it out loud?
In order for them to have a positive, loving relationship with their father, they need a positive, loving father to have it with. It does rather sound like he's the wrong guy for that. Disappointing though that might be, living with real life disappointments is what growing up is all about...
There is little you can say to your son to help him... you need to say this with his father. I don't know what your relationship with him is like, but perhaps you can put down your thoughts and feelings in a long letter, and tell him you'd like to call him in a few days to discuss the letter. This way, you are preparing him for the conversation and not blind-siding him. You need to come across as "this is a problem WE need to work on for OUR CHILDREN's sake." Don't come across as "YOu are such an idiot and your own children hate you".
Part of the problem could be typical little child "spoiled" syndrom. "My father can't spend momey on me because he has other children". This is true. My first born child often felt and even told me, that it was so unfair I had so many children (four) that I couldn't buy her both gymnastics and horse-back riding lessons like her friend. I told her that even if she were an only child I wouldn't buy her both because I didn't want to raise a spoiled brat. She often was jealous of her younger siblings, and that continues on today,e ven though they are in their twenties and thirties!
Part of the problem, though, is that your son is not mature enough to deal with his father's sex life. He is sure to feel a bit of betrayal and hurt on your part, which is really sweet. He might feel that if he likes his dad's girlfriends at all, he will betray you. This is such a difficulte time for a young teen. On top of which, he IS a young teen. Young teens are often angry and obnoxious just because of the mental/physical changes they are going through.
Your son NEEDS a man he can talk to. He is hurt that he can't talk to his dad.
Try to work things out with your ex. If not, try to help your son find a man he CAN talk to - a guideance counselor at school or the YMCA or your church? He needs a mature male role model, someone he can talk to about girls, sex, relationships, etc... because there are things he will not talk to you about.
Good luck, and I hope things work out for him
Remember, though, it is ultimately not YOUR responsibility if your son and his father can't get along. You can be a mediator. You can be a mature adult. Do not bad-mouth your ex to your children, even if your ex were to "bad mouth" you. Be loving, supportive, be an adult. Your children will understand in the future.
Lorelei
I know some of this is just teenage drama, but it doesn't take away the hurt I feel when I look at my son & see the hurt in his eyes when dad cancels another visit. Sorry I'm all over the place, I was trying to address all the points that some of you made. Once again, thank you all so much.
Check out these Tasty Treats from The Stir's partners:
what's the best way to...
- GijaB.
on Feb. 13, 2012 at 12:51 AM