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parenting a 20 yrs old, anybody?

Hi, so here is my case. I am stuck in a neverending fight between mom and sister. My sis is 20 yrs old but still lives with mom. She is not going to college but its working a part time job. My sister just wants to hang out ALL the time, common for her age, I think. She has a boyfriend and likes to go out almost 7 days a week. My mother lets her out BUT: demands that my sister texts her saying she is ok after 2ish or so. Also demands to know where is my sis going and with whom. And mom is always saying that she cant sleep while my sis is out so blames my sister for her sleep deprivation.

My sis on the other hand gets upset and says she is too old to be treated this way. She feels she is old enough to go out with whoever she wants, until whatever time she wants. She says mom shouldnt have to stay awake waiting for her.

My mom's phrase is: MY HOUSE, MY DAUGHTER, MY RULES!!

When I was 18, I felt the same way she is feeling but I just packed and left. Got a full time job and paid rent. My sis only has a parttime and after paying her car, she is left with lil money left, not enough to cover any rent.

I think my mom is exxagerating with her. But I think its also her house. I think if sis feels that is being babied too much, then she should get a full time job and live on her own. Agree? 

does anyone here have an over-18 yrs old son or daughter? If so, how do you manage her/his outings?

jugglingbaby giftboy on a swing

by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 7:03 AM
Replies (31-40):
LindaClement
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 11:54 AM

Oh, and by the way (I'm kind of surprised that anyone old enough to have a daughter older than 20 doesn't already know this)...

... your mom does not have to stay awake for any reason apart from her own personal choice. There is no 'should' involved.

proudmommytoOJ
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 11:56 AM

I am sorry but I am not understanding the message you are trying to convey? are you saying mom is wrong? or my sister? dont mean it in a bashing way..I just realy didnt understand it..

Quoting LindaClement:

Oh, and by the way (I'm kind of surprised that anyone old enough to have a daughter older than 20 doesn't already know this)...

... your mom does not have to stay awake for any reason apart from her own personal choice. There is no 'should' involved.


LindaClement
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 11:59 AM

I'm saying when your mom sleeps is entirely up to her, and nothing at all to do with her 20yo.

I speak from experience: you can lie awake getting anxious and angry, if you want to. Or, you can take care of your own body, sleep when you need to and deal with 'whatever' if it happens in the real world.

Worrying doesn't stop things from happening (although a lot of people really believe it does)... and staying awake until the adult comes home just means two people aren't getting enough rest.

Quoting proudmommytoOJ:

I am sorry but I am not understanding the message you are trying to convey? are you saying mom is wrong? or my sister? dont mean it in a bashing way..I just realy didnt understand it..

Quoting LindaClement:

Oh, and by the way (I'm kind of surprised that anyone old enough to have a daughter older than 20 doesn't already know this)...

... your mom does not have to stay awake for any reason apart from her own personal choice. There is no 'should' involved.



proudmommytoOJ
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:03 PM

Oh, Oh, Ok, I Got ya now. I agree. i actually told her this exactly a while ago. I said: mom, if something, God forbids, is meant to happen to her,  you are not going to prevent it by staying awake, its just dumb.

Quoting LindaClement:

I'm saying when your mom sleeps is entirely up to her, and nothing at all to do with her 20yo.

I speak from experience: you can lie awake getting anxious and angry, if you want to. Or, you can take care of your own body, sleep when you need to and deal with 'whatever' if it happens in the real world.

Worrying doesn't stop things from happening (although a lot of people really believe it does)... and staying awake until the adult comes home just means two people aren't getting enough rest.

Quoting proudmommytoOJ:

I am sorry but I am not understanding the message you are trying to convey? are you saying mom is wrong? or my sister? dont mean it in a bashing way..I just realy didnt understand it..

Quoting LindaClement:

Oh, and by the way (I'm kind of surprised that anyone old enough to have a daughter older than 20 doesn't already know this)...

... your mom does not have to stay awake for any reason apart from her own personal choice. There is no 'should' involved.

 



LindaClement
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:05 PM
1 mom liked this

It does sound a bit like your mom has got herself stuck in the 'complaint' trap: if she complains enough, something will chage.

But nothing will change until she changes something.

Quoting proudmommytoOJ:

Oh, Oh, Ok, I Got ya now. I agree. i actually told her this exactly a while ago. I said: mom, if something, God forbids, is meant to happen to her,  you are not going to prevent it by staying awake, its just dumb.

Quoting LindaClement:

I'm saying when your mom sleeps is entirely up to her, and nothing at all to do with her 20yo.

I speak from experience: you can lie awake getting anxious and angry, if you want to. Or, you can take care of your own body, sleep when you need to and deal with 'whatever' if it happens in the real world.

Worrying doesn't stop things from happening (although a lot of people really believe it does)... and staying awake until the adult comes home just means two people aren't getting enough rest.

Quoting proudmommytoOJ:

I am sorry but I am not understanding the message you are trying to convey? are you saying mom is wrong? or my sister? dont mean it in a bashing way..I just realy didnt understand it..

Quoting LindaClement:

Oh, and by the way (I'm kind of surprised that anyone old enough to have a daughter older than 20 doesn't already know this)...

... your mom does not have to stay awake for any reason apart from her own personal choice. There is no 'should' involved.





caro100
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:28 PM
Definitely you need to butt out. You made the choice to leave, very good. Your little sister is wanting to have all the frosting, but no responsibility. Parents do have trouble sleeping when they know their kids are out playing. If your sister doesn't want to tell her mother where she's at or where she's going, she needs to move out like you did. With freedom, comes responsibility.
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proudmommytoOJ
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:35 PM


Quoting caro100:

Definitely you need to butt out. You made the choice to leave, very good. Your little sister is wanting to have all the frosting, but no responsibility. Parents do have trouble sleeping when they know their kids are out playing. If your sister doesn't want to tell her mother where she's at or where she's going, she needs to move out like you did. With freedom, comes responsibility.

trust me i want to butt out, but they each come to me to complain about the other, and I just dont know what to say anymore. To my mom, I tell her she is exxagerating, and she needs to let go already and realize sis is 29 yrs old already, not 14. To my sis, i call her irresponsible all the time in a polite way and let her know that if she wants freedom, she needs to be on her own, meanwhile, what mom says, goes. and she has to help mom.

caro100
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:43 PM
You need to be polite, but tell each of them NOT MY PROBLEM. I would just tell sis, I moved out, you're talking to the wrong person for sympathy, you don't like Mom on your case? MOVE! Your Mother is in her rights and sis needs to contribute and be considerate telling her where she's at or if she's coming home.
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LoreleiSieja
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 12:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Touchy situation, and not one you can do anything about.  This is between your sis and your mom. But yes, sis should be working full time, and should be living on her own.

I have two adult children living with me, and I still contribute A LOT towards my first-born child, a single mom with a five year old.  Of the two living with me, one is 26 and suffers from social anxiety disorder, or some other mental illness.  She is terrified to leave the apartment.  The younger girl is 22, works full time and pays nothing towards her rent here.   She is making payments on her school loans - she has 5 semesters of college, but dropped out due to lack of funds.  We want to see her go back to school and get a degree in anything, even if she doesn't know WHAT she wants to study, yet.  She doesn't want to spend the money until she knows WHAT to study. I figure she isn't going to figure that out, living at home with us.

She works five days a week at just above minimum wage. She doesn't hardly ever go out.  Her friends all went to college, and are graduating.  Some are married.  She doesn't have single friends locally to just "hang" with.  So I feel like she is just wasting her life away here... although I do enjoy having her around.

I know it is harder for single people today.  Rent is high, jobs are scarce.  More and more young people are living with their parents.  However, "My house, my rules" works for me!  It is NOT BABYING to demand to know where you are, and who you are with.  This is common courtesy!  My HUSBAND tells me where he is and who he is with, whenver he goes out without me, which isn't often.  I tell my husband, if I'm out and runnign late.  This is common courtesy.  This is not babying someone.

Your sister owes her mom a FULL DISCLOSURE of where she is going, whom she is going with, and when she expects to be home.  SHE OWES her mom a phone call if she is going to be late.  And if she can't be home by a certain hour, then she needs to find another place to lay her head.  It is just rude to live with her mom, and treat her mom's house like a motel.  If she were my daughter, I'd give her an ultimatum.  Shape up, or move out.


Mrs.Miller11
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 2:28 PM
1 mom liked this

if your sister wants that kind of freedom, she can get a full time job and she can get her own place. It really is that simple.

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