Sorry this is so long! I really could use some advice though.
I thought my MIL and I had a fairly decent relationship but she is so self centered it is ridiculous and really starting to affect me/my marriage/my relationship with my mother. She has gone off before saying we give my mother more time with DS and DH was quick to tell her that my mother puts in more effort to see him. We do not have to take him to her or ask her to see him, she does it on her own because she wants to. That gave her reason to not like my mom I guess because since then anything to do with my mom has been seen as a personal attack against MIL.
So, yesterday I posted on facebook about our move. I was excited to be getting out of this apartment and made a long post about the plans we have for the weekend, it basically said "moving boxes, then furniture on Saturday, cleaning the apartment Sunday morning and then mothers day dinner that night". We had NO plans set yet and I only added the dinner part because I assumed that since I was a mother DH would take me out. I did not want my friends to think DH was going to ignore me on my second mothers day lol. That post was made at about 3pm, at 9pm (after work) DH calls MIL to see if she wants to go out with us on Sunday and before he can even ask she blows up! She started crying and talking about how we always exclude her and that she can't believe I made plans for our family and my mother and did not invite her. WTF?!? Not only where there no actual plans but had there been they would not have included my mom since she works all day Sunday and refuses any gesture at holidays beyond a card.
I am really hurt over this. I feel like she not only thinks I don't deserve to celebrate mothers day at all let alone with my family (DH, DS and I only) if that is what I wanted to do and I also don't have the right to celebrate mothers day with my own mother if that was what I wanted. No where in the post did I mention DH or DS, for all she knows I had plans to go out with my mother alone and let them fend for themselves.
Anyways, she hung up and DH and wont take his calls. She thinks I am lying and that I really did make plans and purposely conspired with my mom to hurt her feelings.
When your MIL made the comment about your mom getting more time with your child, your husband should have said We'd be glad for you to have more time with him, when can you come over, when can we come over, would you like to watch him all day? What would you like?
This puts the effort back on her.
Is she is going to be unreasonable that's HER issue. You don't have to make it yours. Decide how much time YOU want to give her if any on mother's day. Perhaps you only want to give her an hour or so, make that your limit or none at all. That's fine too. She isn't YOUR mother. She is your husband's problem to deal with if he wishes but not yours.
Carve out time for YOU to do what YOU want. It's YOUR mother's day too!
I really at this point, would be like, forget it.
I think i would write her a letter explaining my position, and stating that if she couldn't understand it, even though ive just laid it all out for her, then i no longer would be talking to her.
That is rediculous.
Wow, reading your post is hilarious to me because it sounds like the exact same relationship I have with my MIL, its almost scary! I dont even know what to tell you...because for me it has never ended...before the baby it was her son who i stole and I keep from her (I dont think she is capable of even thinking that he might not WANT to see her every day of his life, its me, i force him to stay away, lol). We basically try our best to include her and to call her and keep her involved in what goes on, but her actions have really pushed us away from really wanting to spend much time with her. I have to force my boyfriend to call her sometimes just to be nice bc he doesnt want to. She is so invasive, jealous, selfish, and controlling. I keep thinking she will see that what she is doing has the opposite of the desired effect...but im pretty sure it never will.
I say hang in there, and try your hardest, thats all you can do. When things like that happen to me, i learned from experience to let my boyfriend handle it...he can usually convince her of the truth, becase she wont beleive me. I hope it doesnt mess up your mothers day!
People behave the way that you allow them to behave around you. Her behavior, the tantrums to get her way, happen because they've been allowed to happen by you and your DH. When she has these fits, like a child, tell her you will deal with her when she can speak to you in a calm, adult manner, and not before.
Figure out your boundaries with your DH, and then sit down and establish them for your MIL.
I would say that you need to not give into the temper tantrum. She is looking for reasons to be angry, and by trying to defend anything only reinforces in her already suspicious mind that you are guilty of something.
Give her one more chance by offering her the invitation, and then drop it. If she shows up, be polite and act without anger or guilt. Tell her you're happy she could make it don't make any mention of her assumptions. If she doesn't show up, don't feel guilty this is HER problem and she will have to make the choice whether she wants to be angry and hurt, or happy.
Apparently (from her behaviors)your MIL feels that she needs to be invited to participate in your life as you are the daughter-in-law and not her child. I would offer her invitations to spend time with you family, but don't make it a big deal.
I would also suggest that you stop letting her bad behaviors dictate any of your feelings about your life and your relationships. Just because she acts and feels the ways that she does doesn't mean that it should have any influence on how you feel about your mother, your husband or yourself.
Thank you for all the replys! She called DH at work today and appoligized. I got her card in the mail this morning, she only lives a few miles from here so it might have gotten there today and if not it will get there Monday. I signed it for all of us and since my handwriting is so different then DH's she will know I was the one that did it. I also sent her a message on FB telling her where we would be tomorrow and that I would love for her to join us, I also invited her to come to the Zoo tomorrow with DS and me while DH and his friends are moving our things. She has been online all day and I have not gotten a reply, I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow..
A question for those who have kids close in age..
When was your due date and when did you give birth?
- SunniB
on May. 11, 2012 at 9:10 AM