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Boyfriend issues

Posted by on May. 30, 2012 at 12:48 PM
  • 6 Replies

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. He is a very difficult person and I am about at my wits end. He is an only child and has never had any real responsibility outside of getting thrown into fatherhood (even though he is 28 years old) so I think this is the foundation of the problems.

He works during the day and the second he gets home he hits the computer and is on there until 2 or 3 in the morning. He gets off at about 8 to give Coen a bath. He won't cook dinner if I need a break, he won't clean anything, he won't do his own laundry. Any time I ask him to help me with something he says I'm trying to control him. He won't clean anything since "he didn't make the mess." I have stopped doing his laundry and there ended up being 4 huge piles of clothes all over my house and he would only wash what he needed so I just started doing it again because it was gross. I went out of town for 5 days and came back to a fruit fly infestation because he wouldn't rinse dishes or take out  the trash. 4  months later and I am still battling these things. He sleeps till about 30 minutes before he has to be at work. On weekends he sleeps till 1 or 2 and then is on the computer all day. If i'm sick or something I still have to get up and take care of Coen while he sits on his computer.

I was a SAHM for a year and I didn't hassle him very much about things because I was home but now I am working full time (i'm actually working more than him but make about 2/3 what he does, he holds this against me also) and really need some help around the house. On top of working full time, and of course my kid, I am also in graduate school. I just can't seem to make him understand any of this. It's like he just doesn't care. Sometimes I think he acts this way to get me to leave. Sometimes it just blows my mind and I can't believe anyone could be so selfish. 

This is just a brief summation of the issues. I feel like what we might need is a break and I am thinking about getting my own place for a few months. I don't want to break up with him. We have put too much time and effort into this but I can't get over this. To some it may seem petty but I don't feel cared for in the relationship and I can't live my life feeling that way. Gottman would call this my love language. I don't need flowers or jewelry or things like that.  Any other suggestions on what to do are greatly appreciated.

by on May. 30, 2012 at 12:48 PM
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Replies (1-6):
SouthTxPrincess
by Silver Member on May. 30, 2012 at 12:52 PM
I would suggest counseling or even getting him to do the love dare with you if you are Christian. I hope everything works out.
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Jen_Davis
by Member on May. 30, 2012 at 1:01 PM

We started counseling last year and he only went twice before he decided he didn't need it. I really think he needs addict counseling. He is addicted to video games and pot. He says he plays so much because he is bored, but I can think of a million things he can do to cure boredom. He says the pot helps him calm down. This I do believe because I have seen him lay in bed for hours, just over thinking things, trying to go to sleep without pot. There are better medicines for this though that won't make him useless. He's just a child. How do you make someone grow up when they don't want to?

HyperMom38
by on May. 30, 2012 at 1:12 PM


Quoting Jen_Davis:

We started counseling last year and he only went twice before he decided he didn't need it. I really think he needs addict counseling. He is addicted to video games and pot. He says he plays so much because he is bored, but I can think of a million things he can do to cure boredom. He says the pot helps him calm down. This I do believe because I have seen him lay in bed for hours, just over thinking things, trying to go to sleep without pot. There are better medicines for this though that won't make him useless. He's just a child. How do you make someone grow up when they don't want to?

The answer is that you cannot make someone grow up when they don't want to- period.  End of story.  You cannot fix him.  You cannot make him treat you better.  You cannot make him make you feel loved.  What you can do is change yourself. 

Why are you settling for this?  Because you put a lot of effort into it?  (Key word there is YOU - because he is not putting any effort in at all.) 

He smokes pot in the house? Around you? And your kid?????? Because poor little man can't sleep without it, WAH!  A hard days work puts an end to insomnia naturally.  He ought to try it.

For real- you need to continue to go to counseling and start going to al-anon meetings to learn how your behavior is enabling him NOT to change and then go from there.  In the mean- time I would get me a place of my own and he would not see my kid unless he was sober.

Jen_Davis
by Member on May. 30, 2012 at 1:54 PM
You are exactly right! The women in my family are habitual enablers. I think it's about time to break that cycle. Thanks for the AA advice. I never thought about going myself.


Quoting HyperMom38:


Quoting Jen_Davis:

We started counseling last year and he only went twice before he decided he didn't need it. I really think he needs addict counseling. He is addicted to video games and pot. He says he plays so much because he is bored, but I can think of a million things he can do to cure boredom. He says the pot helps him calm down. This I do believe because I have seen him lay in bed for hours, just over thinking things, trying to go to sleep without pot. There are better medicines for this though that won't make him useless. He's just a child. How do you make someone grow up when they don't want to?

The answer is that you cannot make someone grow up when they don't want to- period.  End of story.  You cannot fix him.  You cannot make him treat you better.  You cannot make him make you feel loved.  What you can do is change yourself. 

Why are you settling for this?  Because you put a lot of effort into it?  (Key word there is YOU - because he is not putting any effort in at all.) 

He smokes pot in the house? Around you? And your kid?????? Because poor little man can't sleep without it, WAH!  A hard days work puts an end to insomnia naturally.  He ought to try it.

For real- you need to continue to go to counseling and start going to al-anon meetings to learn how your behavior is enabling him NOT to change and then go from there.  In the mean- time I would get me a place of my own and he would not see my kid unless he was sober.


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emmasmama2007
by on May. 30, 2012 at 1:59 PM

Sounds silly, but have you tried talking things out. Problems like these usually arrise out of not communicating. Not nagging, yelling. You're gonna need help and get him help if you want things to work out. Otherwise, take a good long look and decide if his behavior is positive for your child. Because your child should come first, and sometimes a seperation is not the worst chice.

Jen_Davis
by Member on May. 30, 2012 at 3:42 PM
We have talked about things. And he always goes along with it until a situation comes up again. Seriously I have made chore lists for him lol He prefers to use ultimatums and then I end up doing my part and he doesn't do his. I really so think that separation would be best. Maybe it will make him think about it. He is a good dad, when he has to be. He just isn't very mature. I feel that he thinks he is because he has a good job and he does well at it. He thinks his job is to make money. I can't make him understand that there is more to being a good man than that. His parents have talked to him. His friends don't help because they are all single. I think some people just need to learn the hard way maybe. I guess I just gave myself advice but I'm glad I got it on "paper" and got some feed back. I know he can be better and this might be the only way to show him that.
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