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Heart versus head... long but desperate

Posted by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 10:40 PM
  • 16 Replies
Okay i need helpful advice. I left a very abusive marriage and i was six months pregnant. I moved across country back home and in with mom and dad. After my son being born a month early and an emergancy c-section my parents told me we could stay and i could finish school. I went back to work waiting tables and school asap. I since graduated and by far pulled my own weight with supporting me and my son paying for groceries for everyone cooking cleaning ect. We have been home now for 7 years. My dad lost his job 3 years ago and has yet to find a real job again. My mom has been a stay at home mom for 25 years she now runs a trust for her brother and makes some income, but not enough to make it on her own. My parents are miserable in their marriage and have been since i was a child. Ok... Now to me i have a good job and work very hard. Im completely capable of being on my own with my son but my family will loose everything if i go. Now this relationship isnt one where my mom babysits and i do as i please. For the first time since he was 18 months she asked to watch him this summer and at first wanted to charge me double summer camp cost. I said no and she lowered the price but charges me 15 bucks more for what she calls a convenince fee for me not having to drive and drop him off. I pay rent buy groceries and pay her to watch my son. She has rarely babysat for me to do anything... Maybe once or twice a year. I started seeing someone we started slow getting to know each other becoming best friends ect... I occassionaly would mention him and his son but i didnt tell her everything then oneday i told her i loved him... She finally met him and his son told him she knew i loved him then went to his sons ball game with me and my son. This man is the love of my life and makes me so happy. Now that the cats out of the bag and we know we are going to work and love each other we spend about 1-2 hours having dinner and playing with the boys. Shevmakes snide comments about us being together too much and rushing things i told her no we took our time she just wasnt involved all the time. Then im inconsiderate because she was asleep on the couch and i came home got noah and we went to dinner with them. I didnt tell her hours before that we werent eating at home...mind you she was napping not cooking when i came in. What do i do im staying for them... I feel at 30 my personal relationship is mine she likes him and she knew more than his name not like everything was top secret but seriously.... Any advice on how to tell her how i really feel about him or what to do about everything? Im just feeling that my heart has gotten bigger than my head! Although i did say no to cosigning anf helping her buy a house....
by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 10:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
auburnmamma1
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 12:16 AM
2 moms liked this

I am in a similar situation except I moved in with my grandparents. My grandma encouraged me to quit my job and go to school full time so I could finish sooner. I get child support so I use it to pay the difference of utilities and I buy all the grocerys, do all the cooking, cleaning, running to doctors appts, and picking up prescriptions for them. I ran back into my high school sweetheart and now we are planning to get married in october, and move in. What I had to do was sit them down and tell them how much I appreciated them letting me stay, but the time has come for me to go on my way. I need to branch out, give the kids new opportunities not to mention their own rooms for the first time ever lol.. At first they were upset mainly because they were used to us, then I got the guilt trip of a life time!! Man it sucked!! I still had to stick with it..I have since found other family members to start kicking in to help run errands and pick up prescriptions, ect.. it was a tough descision.. I think you are doing more than your share and its time for your space. They are grown and sounds like they are at an age where they are still capable of caring for themselves and finding jobs. It seems like you as well have become a bit of a caregiver and helping them out more than they are helping you. Tough love is hard. It would be selfish for them to want to keep you from moving on in a better direction in your life. You have to think of you and your son. It doesnt mean you dont love them it just means you need to move forward instead of being stuck.

MomOnMission05
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 8:04 AM
You don't know the comfort that comes from knowing I'm not alone!
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love-javier
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 8:12 AM
I agree with this! You need to live your life. Do what's best for you and your son.


Quoting auburnmamma1:

I am in a similar situation except I moved in with my grandparents. My grandma encouraged me to quit my job and go to school full time so I could finish sooner. I get child support so I use it to pay the difference of utilities and I buy all the grocerys, do all the cooking, cleaning, running to doctors appts, and picking up prescriptions for them. I ran back into my high school sweetheart and now we are planning to get married in october, and move in. What I had to do was sit them down and tell them how much I appreciated them letting me stay, but the time has come for me to go on my way. I need to branch out, give the kids new opportunities not to mention their own rooms for the first time ever lol.. At first they were upset mainly because they were used to us, then I got the guilt trip of a life time!! Man it sucked!! I still had to stick with it..I have since found other family members to start kicking in to help run errands and pick up prescriptions, ect.. it was a tough descision.. I think you are doing more than your share and its time for your space. They are grown and sounds like they are at an age where they are still capable of caring for themselves and finding jobs. It seems like you as well have become a bit of a caregiver and helping them out more than they are helping you. Tough love is hard. It would be selfish for them to want to keep you from moving on in a better direction in your life. You have to think of you and your son. It doesnt mean you dont love them it just means you need to move forward instead of being stuck.


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indymom72
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2012 at 8:15 AM


Quoting auburnmamma1:

I am in a similar situation except I moved in with my grandparents. My grandma encouraged me to quit my job and go to school full time so I could finish sooner. I get child support so I use it to pay the difference of utilities and I buy all the grocerys, do all the cooking, cleaning, running to doctors appts, and picking up prescriptions for them. I ran back into my high school sweetheart and now we are planning to get married in october, and move in. What I had to do was sit them down and tell them how much I appreciated them letting me stay, but the time has come for me to go on my way. I need to branch out, give the kids new opportunities not to mention their own rooms for the first time ever lol.. At first they were upset mainly because they were used to us, then I got the guilt trip of a life time!! Man it sucked!! I still had to stick with it..I have since found other family members to start kicking in to help run errands and pick up prescriptions, ect.. it was a tough descision.. I think you are doing more than your share and its time for your space. They are grown and sounds like they are at an age where they are still capable of caring for themselves and finding jobs. It seems like you as well have become a bit of a caregiver and helping them out more than they are helping you. Tough love is hard. It would be selfish for them to want to keep you from moving on in a better direction in your life. You have to think of you and your son. It doesnt mean you dont love them it just means you need to move forward instead of being stuck.

this is great advice...best of luck to you!! :)

diamondsetter
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 8:53 AM
You deserve to live YOUR life for YOU. Parents know this for our children and should encourage it. Do it for your son, if no one else.
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cara124
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2012 at 10:15 AM

this is the best advice your going to get !

Quoting auburnmamma1:

I am in a similar situation except I moved in with my grandparents. My grandma encouraged me to quit my job and go to school full time so I could finish sooner. I get child support so I use it to pay the difference of utilities and I buy all the grocerys, do all the cooking, cleaning, running to doctors appts, and picking up prescriptions for them. I ran back into my high school sweetheart and now we are planning to get married in october, and move in. What I had to do was sit them down and tell them how much I appreciated them letting me stay, but the time has come for me to go on my way. I need to branch out, give the kids new opportunities not to mention their own rooms for the first time ever lol.. At first they were upset mainly because they were used to us, then I got the guilt trip of a life time!! Man it sucked!! I still had to stick with it..I have since found other family members to start kicking in to help run errands and pick up prescriptions, ect.. it was a tough descision.. I think you are doing more than your share and its time for your space. They are grown and sounds like they are at an age where they are still capable of caring for themselves and finding jobs. It seems like you as well have become a bit of a caregiver and helping them out more than they are helping you. Tough love is hard. It would be selfish for them to want to keep you from moving on in a better direction in your life. You have to think of you and your son. It doesnt mean you dont love them it just means you need to move forward instead of being stuck.


Bmat
by Barb on Jun. 8, 2012 at 10:25 AM

Oh my goodness. She is charging you for watching her grandson even though you are their main support?  It sounds as though some tough love is needed and you should get out on your own.

LoreleiSieja
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Your mother is WRONG to charge you childcare.  I babysat my granddaughter for free for four years... then I stopped only because she was able to get into a special free preschool program for low-income families.  I helped to support my daughter for all four years.  She was able to get a low-paying job, and go to school fulltime.  Then we helped her buy her own house.  Now, we are pretty much done helping her, although she is still driving a car we paid for, and I pay her phone bill.  She has a special someone in her life, and he's helping to pick up the slack.

My children are NOT responsible for MY financial needs.  I'm young yet - 54.  My husband and I are perfectly capable of working, and managing on our own.  Our children do NOT owe us anything.  When we get old and feeble... maybe past our eighties, if we are that lucky, THEN our children may have a responsibility to see that we are taken care of.

Stop supporting your parents.  You may need to move out.  How does your bf feel about the situation?  Does he suspect that when he marries you, he will be supporting his in-laws? 

Your dad needs to get another job.  Or he needs to go back to school.  IF they cannot afford their house, then they can move into an apartment. If their house payments are too high, there are mortgage refinancing options available through the current administration to help people keep their homes. 

You are an adult.  You do not need people telling you what to do or what not to do, although since you live with your parents, they have a right to certain courtesies - like, being told where you're going and when you'll be home.  If your mom is just upset about you not being there for dinner, talk with  her about a communication board.  Put a small dry-write board on the fridge, and leave all messages there - about where you will be eating dinner, or where you are going.  Agree on a deadline.  If she has already started dinner for you, and you suddenly leave, I can see how that would be frustrating - but not the end of the world.  You could always have your share of the meal in left-overs the next day.  If she hasn't even started cooking the meal yet, then she needs to lighten up.  It sounds like she's getting very possessive. 

In her defence... she could be starting or going through menopause.  That causes all kinds of strange, emotional behavior.  She might be feeling like she's not useful or needed any more, and babysitting your son fills a deep, emotional need.  Or she might be afraid that this child she has lived with for four years, is going to move away and she'll rarely see him again.

Communicate with each other.  But first, decide what YOU want, and what is best for you and your son.  Talk with your boyfriend next, if you are sure that he is going to become part of your family.  Then talk with your mom and dad.  If you expect the talk to be stressful, arrange to have it somewhere else.  Go out to a restaurant for dinner and talk there.  They won't raise their voices or cause a scene, and everyone will be more respectful.

http://raisingcreativechildren.com/nail-biting/


smile357
by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 2:11 PM

This is such good advice. It will be better for all of you in the long run. 

Quoting auburnmamma1:

I am in a similar situation except I moved in with my grandparents. My grandma encouraged me to quit my job and go to school full time so I could finish sooner. I get child support so I use it to pay the difference of utilities and I buy all the grocerys, do all the cooking, cleaning, running to doctors appts, and picking up prescriptions for them. I ran back into my high school sweetheart and now we are planning to get married in october, and move in. What I had to do was sit them down and tell them how much I appreciated them letting me stay, but the time has come for me to go on my way. I need to branch out, give the kids new opportunities not to mention their own rooms for the first time ever lol.. At first they were upset mainly because they were used to us, then I got the guilt trip of a life time!! Man it sucked!! I still had to stick with it..I have since found other family members to start kicking in to help run errands and pick up prescriptions, ect.. it was a tough descision.. I think you are doing more than your share and its time for your space. They are grown and sounds like they are at an age where they are still capable of caring for themselves and finding jobs. It seems like you as well have become a bit of a caregiver and helping them out more than they are helping you. Tough love is hard. It would be selfish for them to want to keep you from moving on in a better direction in your life. You have to think of you and your son. It doesnt mean you dont love them it just means you need to move forward instead of being stuck.


erikadi
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2012 at 7:03 PM

I think you should tell her that you will help them in any way you can, but you are moving out and going to be with the man you love and will one day marry.

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