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Need some advice because now at the breaking point. updated with me finding something eles.

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 9:52 AM
  • 22 Replies

Currently, I am pregnant for the third time and have 2 daughters. Last year, my husband loss his job and I was working at McDonald's trying to make ends meet with 7.40 an hour. In November, I started working as a temp worker for a big medical group as a medical assistant 11.00 an hour. In January, I quit my job at McDonald's to focus more on the temp job. It was risky but because of McDonald's changing my hours so I had to get off at 6 am I fell asleep at the temp position before this one. In April, I was hired in as a full time employee at the medical office, benefits not kicking in for 6 months (around my due date). So my schedule is Monday, Tuesday, I work 9-5a, Wensday 1-9:30p, Thurdsay 8:30-3:30, Friday 9-6, and one or two Saturdays a month 9-1(30). I like my job because everyone is treats everyone eles with respect and the venipunctures, and shots are cool.

The problem is that my husband has not looked for a job since he was fired from his 9 year job of being a manager at KFC. I really gave him a grace period, because he loss his job the same month he found out he was diabetic. I told him if he just kept the house clean, take care of the kids, and take time to find a job everything would be ok. My mom was fed up first. She comes by every Saturday to pick up both girls and bring them home Sunday night only to pick up the youngest girl Monday morning for me to pick her up Tuesday night so my husband can focus on cleaning the house and looking for a job. With this extra time, he has gotten drunk, played his video games, or watched tv. The clothes don't get folded (I do that to keep my scrubs wringle free), dishes don't get washed (I mainly eat only fruit and vegetables, which don't require any silverware or dish) and the list goes on. My co workers think it's messed up that I asked them for any overtime they don't want so I can save up. They asked me why can't he just get a job? The person that got me into McDonald's in 2010 I asked for her to help get my husband in and he won't do it because McDonald's wouldn't accept his application. He has had 2 interviews that he didn't go to because the manager told him the wrong day. I pass resturants that are hiring and got him an application for one of them and he left the application in the car and wouldn't fill it out. Right now, he is still on his unemployement but that ends at the end of this month, so July I will be doing everything on my own. I tried making excuses for him but by yesterday, I was fed up.. After the nurse supervisor came to me and asked me if I wanted days off (because Mon-Wed I won't be working with  a doctor) I denied it because I need to save up the money I work to cover 2 months of bills in October and November (since I deliver October 3). When I was driving home, I went to call my husband (my phone shows me the latest facebook message) and saw he took the kids to the movies, When I got home, I found poop in the toddler's potty that had to be there since 3 (since my oldest gets out at 4 and he walks to get her), clothes everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink, trash not taking out, and so on, I just changed my clothes and left back out, called my best friend from highschool and told her I need a night away from this stress. So I went over her house, we caught up, went to the movies, picked her brother up from prom, got back to her house and just talked about everything. I stayed out til about 3am and told her I needed sleep so I went home. When I got home, my husband is sitting in the living room watching cartoons. So I asked for the remote to see what was on TV and handed it back to him. He says, "No, I'm going to bed anyway" So when I went in the room to sleep, he follows me, at 7am in the morning, he calls my kids to run into our room and jump on the bed. I let this continue for about a half hour because the normal routine when I don't work a Saturday is that they will watch cartoons in the living room. He keeps playing with them on the bed and now they are jumping on me. I asked for them to relocate to the living room and he says no because this is what he always do with his kids everyday. I insisted that they moved to the living room so I could get some sleep and again no. After that, everything breaks loose. I said leave, he thinks he's taking the car that I had to fight to put gas in (because after buying the things he wanted, I ran out of money in my account and had to wait for payday to fill the car up) so I took the kill switch out of the car and said you are not wasting my gas. He comes up with this big fat lie of an excuse, "I wanted to take my kids out to breakfast, now what the kids gonna eat" We just went grocery shopping. I know there is oatmeal, eggs and milk in the kitchen. I said, "Go make them breakfast then." He wouldn't for an hour, so for an hour the kids came in to say they were hungry and he said it was my fault they can't eat. When he finally left the room, I sat against the door to try and get space, but he pushed the door down and back in. I got my belt and spanked him once because I said, "If you are going to act like a child, I will treat you like a child." So again one of my daughters came in and asked  what happened and he said "Mommy is being a stupid a-hole". So I threw a little basket at him. 1.) no name calling and 2.) no cussing around my kids. He hits me with all his force and now I believe I have a gash on my neck and a little down my chest because it's been 30 minutes and it still burns. After that I sat on the floor and haven't said another word.

Now before the judging begins, I believed I only resorted to using the belt to whip him on the legs because of the fact that I am so exhausted it and 2 hours of talking and arguing did not get anywhere.

So I'm asking what to do in my situation keeping in mind I have no sitter while I'm at work. He doesn't have insurance and needs to see the doctor every 6 months for his medication, so do I put him on that? Do I ship him to his mom's house and tell him to stay there til his life is in order? Moving in with my mom is not a good idea for four reasons: 1) don't do well sharing space with her and my brother (as we found out from the separation after having the second daughter) 2) my mother took in my grandmother in her 2 bdrm house so my brother sleeps in the living room and his stuff is in the dining room 3) She lives in Detroit and I work in Ann Arbor, so tons more gas, and 4) I'm paying rent on the apartment I stay in now in Westland. I really would like to move to Ypsilanti (the town next to Ann Arbor) because I found some places with reasonable rent and it's closer to work, but my husband said that was a stupid idea because we don't know anyone in Ann Arbor and they might fire me soon. I'm doing great at my job (they gave me more duties as well like ordering supplies for the clinic, sterlizing the instruments) and we don't know anyone in Westland either.

So as you can see, weighing options, need help (sorry about the length)

update #2 (seen in post 12)

Really sorry it took so long to respond. I spent the night at a friends house, found out he ripped my thumb nail off and my arm is swollen in the muscle. We haven't talked since I came home Sunday night, letting me know that tension still flies in the air. I've tried to help out with the laundry, and talk to him, but he stays angered. I honestly think he is going through depression. Last week, after I got work, I took a nap only to wake up to him completely wasted. That's when I realized he's drinking more. (He has been drunk about 3 times this month) My friend from highschool brought out a good point. Back in April, I got hired in my job and thought they would fire me because of the pregnancy. I was secretly pregnant for 17 weeks. I posted on facebook that I will have to say something and is nervous. Everyone posted it would be ok (even not knowing what I was talking about) except him. He commented, "You brought this on yourself" I think he was hoping I would have gotten fired and lost it when he saw that my job accepted me and treat me nicely. I saw his behavior slowly changing with the more attention to games than the kids, drinking by himself, disreguarding his diabetes by using his unemployment checks to buy donuts at dunkin donuts daily, feeling everytime I get home, he must get in the car and drive for a while, and so on. Also right now, my job is doing a screening for depression in patients with chronic illnesses. He failed the intial test (2 questions: In the past two weeks, how many days have you noticed a.) little interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy? b.) feeling down hopeless, or depressed?) So I will evaluate all the details and come up with a plan, do I let him stay with some condtions, or do I tell him to go home and work on himself until he can get on his feet?

update #3

I don't remember if I mentioned that I got my hair done after the confrontation. Everyone commented on my hair ( I have kinky twist in). Today, one of my co-workers asked me if the braiders used a hot comb and burned my neck. I said no. She told me I have a scar across my neck that looks like a burn. So I went and checked it in the bathroom room and sure enough there is a large black line in a slant on my neck, from when he hit me with the belt. So I went to my meeting tonight, and the friend's house I stayed over was there. I asked her if she remembers seeing this line. She told me no, but sometimes bruises and scars take time to surface. So I don't know if it was always there, but people were looking a the hair, or it did surface later. The people I was supposed to meet with to talk to forgot about me. They literally told me that. I guess my situation isn't that important, so I cried in the car. I went and got my daughters from my mother's house and started crying again when I told her they forgot me. She asked me what happened, and why won't I take a picture of my hair. I told her I don't want this ugly scar on my neck in the picture. I showed her the mark, and she told me to go to the police. But because I have the girls and it was midnight, I will mention it at my doctor's appointment tommorrow, especially why I already know they will be concerned that I haven't gained a pound in 6 weeks.

by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 9:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mommy2justone
by Mommy2justtwo on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:02 AM

WOw, that is a lot of friction between you guys. Do you still love him?? If so, find out how to communicate better, tell him WHY you need him to do what you need him to do, and DO  NOT say "Well YOU don't have a job, and I do" type thing, that only belittles him, and makes him not want to do anything. 
 

Mommy2justone
by Mommy2justtwo on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:05 AM

If you don't think you are in love with him any longer, talk to him about a seperation. It might force him into getting a job, being on his own. If he will not move out of your house, go stay with your mom for a month, save up for an apartment for you and the kids. Get a whole year lease. If he can't shape up in 6 months, file for divorce and ask for the house in the divorce because you are sole provider for the kids. By then the lease on your apartment should be up (after filing and everything) so you can move back into your house. Honestly if there is abuse going on between you already, it can only get worse from here, I wouldn't want my kids seeing that. Sorry if it comes to this momma :(


Kellyjude1
by Member on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:10 AM

 Clearly if you are bringing the applications to your husband and he is not filling them out then he is not interested in working.  I think that is unfair for you.  I think one of the important questions is who is going to watch your children if you work?  If your husband were to get a job do you have childcare?  I think you need to once again communicate with your husband asking him what he intends on doing and your feelings in all of this.  If your mom is watching the children then your husband needs to be actively looking for jobs not at home but going to the actual places or calling around asking if they are hiring.  Two paychecks can make a huge difference.  If he is watching tv, playing video games and not actively searching for employment when he should be than that is a huge problem.  You have to decide if you want to continue to live this way.  While the economy is rough jobs are scarce but he seems to need to set goals and reach them.  He cannot keep expecting you to make the money and he simply sits back.  I think talking this through and hopefully reaching some kind of agreement will help.  I hope he can understand how frustrated you must be.  Try to continue encouraging him to seek employment write down a list of places that may be hiring allow him to get applications or type up resumes to put himself out there.  I hope things get better....

kyndiesmommy
by Member on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:17 AM
Ok, big red flag! He put his hands on You, 2) he did it while you are pregnant. Leave his sorry ass for awhile. There is no way in heck my husband would ever get away with that nonsense. Calling you names in front of your children and cussing. I would be asking for a seperation and possibly a divorce. Sorry you're having to go through such a crappy situation.
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mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:27 AM
I'm sorry momma. I would move with or without him. I'd look into getting daycare assistance if possible. No way in hell would i put up with that.
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janel09
by Bronze Member on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:34 AM

I'm wondering if I'm taking this to irrationally for a minute. I'm telling the father of my children to get out because he's unemployed. I'm not a gold digger. I didn't marry him because he had a job so why should it be a factor to me kicking him to the curb. I think I will call around and see if I can spend the night at someone's house (friends of course, never another man) and if I can't I found a motel down the street online that is on $40 a night.

janel09
by Bronze Member on Jun. 9, 2012 at 10:44 AM


Quoting Mommy2justone:

WOw, that is a lot of friction between you guys. Do you still love him?? If so, find out how to communicate better, tell him WHY you need him to do what you need him to do, and DO  NOT say "Well YOU don't have a job, and I do" type thing, that only belittles him, and makes him not want to do anything. 
 


I know that's a big problem for me because I've said, "I working the job, so the least you can do is..." I don't know another way to motivate him to either be a good homemaker or get a midnight job. Before he loss his job, He worked days and I worked midnights, we had 2 cars, and I watched the girls during the day and he watched them at night. He now wants a second car, but he has no income starting in July and I can barely afford to put gas in for the one car (about $360 a month for gas because my job is 23 miles one way)

 

justme91755
by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 11:24 AM

 You know what needs to be done around the house and I am sure when you were at home with the kids while he worked there were times when you did not want to do the household chores and you also understand how stressful it can be to home all day with kids.  I would sit down with him and explain why you were upset.  You feel like you are carrying the whole financial burden and when his unemployment runs out you won't be able to have even the necessities for your children.  Make a list of the things that must be done everyday, cooking, dishes, picking up,  putting things away and a list of weekly chores like laundry, vaccuuming, shopping and then decide who will do what.  Maybe he does the daily stuff except you cook dinner or do the dishes after dinner and the weekly chores you share and involve the kids.  It sounds like you only have one vehicle which means he is also stuck at home  or  at least within walking or bus distance which can be hard when he is used to being out in the working world.  My husband took a pay cut so he could work from home ( he was driving nearly 75 miles a day  for work)  and it is kind of driving me crazy too.  I am gone from 6 am to 5 pm  and he is home and I am still expected to come home cook and do the dishes and laundry.  He just recently ( after 6 months) has started making dinner a few nights a week and taking over the kitchen chores.  It took a while because it was a real role chabge for him

Bmat
by Barb on Jun. 9, 2012 at 11:30 AM

Well said. I hope it also works out for you. If he is the main homemaker, then he needs to take responsibility for most of the household chores.

Quoting justme91755:

 You know what needs to be done around the house and I am sure when you were at home with the kids while he worked there were times when you did not want to do the household chores and you also understand how stressful it can be to home all day with kids.  I would sit down with him and explain why you were upset.  You feel like you are carrying the whole financial burden and when his unemployment runs out you won't be able to have even the necessities for your children.  Make a list of the things that must be done everyday, cooking, dishes, picking up,  putting things away and a list of weekly chores like laundry, vaccuuming, shopping and then decide who will do what.  Maybe he does the daily stuff except you cook dinner or do the dishes after dinner and the weekly chores you share and involve the kids.  It sounds like you only have one vehicle which means he is also stuck at home  or  at least within walking or bus distance which can be hard when he is used to being out in the working world.  My husband took a pay cut so he could work from home ( he was driving nearly 75 miles a day  for work)  and it is kind of driving me crazy too.  I am gone from 6 am to 5 pm  and he is home and I am still expected to come home cook and do the dishes and laundry.  He just recently ( after 6 months) has started making dinner a few nights a week and taking over the kitchen chores.  It took a while because it was a real role chabge for him


bbmkfo03
by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 11:46 AM

 I agree with this however if my DH hit me while pregnant or in front of the kids I wouldn't even stay to have this conversation.

Quoting justme91755:

 You know what needs to be done around the house and I am sure when you were at home with the kids while he worked there were times when you did not want to do the household chores and you also understand how stressful it can be to home all day with kids.  I would sit down with him and explain why you were upset.  You feel like you are carrying the whole financial burden and when his unemployment runs out you won't be able to have even the necessities for your children.  Make a list of the things that must be done everyday, cooking, dishes, picking up,  putting things away and a list of weekly chores like laundry, vaccuuming, shopping and then decide who will do what.  Maybe he does the daily stuff except you cook dinner or do the dishes after dinner and the weekly chores you share and involve the kids.  It sounds like you only have one vehicle which means he is also stuck at home  or  at least within walking or bus distance which can be hard when he is used to being out in the working world.  My husband took a pay cut so he could work from home ( he was driving nearly 75 miles a day  for work)  and it is kind of driving me crazy too.  I am gone from 6 am to 5 pm  and he is home and I am still expected to come home cook and do the dishes and laundry.  He just recently ( after 6 months) has started making dinner a few nights a week and taking over the kitchen chores.  It took a while because it was a real role chabge for him

 

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