I have never had it and my mom always told me I'd need it. I never believed her but here I am 10 years down the road, I'm 20 now, and I'm thinking, ".....I think I really really might need counseling or something. " Last night I broke down and kind of had a fight with DH. I got out of bed and just went downstairs, sat on a couch and wrote what I was feeling. I looked it over this morning and I'm thinking that if I haven't fixed it and its something that is on my mind every day and is bothering me then I probably need help. I'm taking a psych class and we went over bullying in the last couple days.
I'm really not trying to get bashed. I dont want someone to tell me I need to get, "my shit" together. I know that, I know all of that. But I can't. I dont know how and thats what it boils down to. I would really really love to get over everything that has happened in the last ten years, but it would actually have to be more I think. I want someone to tell me how to do the, "forgive and forget" thing. I try, I try all the time. I
Feelings wise....This was what got me thinking on it. I feel ashamed of my feelings. I told myself I didn't for the longest time, but I udnerstand now that I do. There's feelings stemming from my childhood dealing with family and social conflicts that I cant seem to get over. Then there's things that I cant seem to figure out for the life of my with DH. I feel lost, I feel stuck almost all the time. I often feel like maybe he'd be happier with someone else.I seem him get frustrated with our DD who is 2 alllll the time. I see him get aggitated a lot with me. I see how happy he seems with his friends and guild online and I see how he is with us most of the time and I think maybe we're just too boring for him or something? He says none of it's true but I can't help but feel that way.We've been married two years but I feel like we've spent most of it unhappy, and fighting.
He proposed to me last night that its not him who is unhappy about it but me and that maybe I am the one who needs to be with someone else. He assumes that I'm angry all the time and I'm not. I'll admit I get frustrated, a lot. I feel like we have so much in different. I feel like topics I bring up to discuss he doesn't care about. Hes said so actually. I feel like I cant talk to him. I've tried and he basically said that someone who feels this way needs help and is a weak ass person.
I dont know if I'm making sense. I just know this is why I feel the way I feel. I love being a mom but around most people they try to take over it especially at my parents. They always chime in on what I'm doing wrong and I just wonder to myself, "Why for the life of me, can't you jsut compliment on something - anything, just once?!" Theres a conflict there as I want to go over and have a relationship with my mom and my family, namely my mom and sister and my brothers and I are fine. However, I get the above mentioned from my mom. My sister I have never been close with and though I want to theres seems like a wall I cant get passed.
She's 10, 1'm 20. Shit hit the fan for me 10-11 years ago just before she was born. Severely bullied and ostricized most my childhood. I loved life, I thought how beautiful and kind the world was until we moved here and it began. I cried to and from school, durring recess, etc. every day. My teacher fourth grade which was when my mom was expecting my sister, was horrible. That woman had no reason to be around kids, or even teaching them. She would get angry because I would day dream. I had a hard time paying attention in class. I was very tired a lot, and always just wanted to be outside away from it all. there was a window that I would stare out of and watch the birds, etc. and think of how peacefull it was and wish I was there. She would dump my desk out infront of everyone and make me pick it up, then dump it out again, and continue on with her class. She'd call me names, all the other kids did the same. To top it off my mom made me make them cookies, sugar cookies, the big fluffy really good ones. THen she made me decorate them, and write an apology note for everyone.
When I got slightly violent, but very passive about it, she turned a blind eye. She pretended nothing was going on. She had her baby and brought her home and things in the house got worse from there. My mom and I stopped doing what little things we did together. She was always angry at my brothers and I. We spent our weekends and summers in doors, scrubbing carpets, or confined to our rooms. I didn't have a birthday party until I was 13. I didn't ask for things because I learned after asking for a summer long for those jellie sandals at Walmart and her reacting angry that I Shouldn't. My clothes never fit, I remember I'd go to school in the same clothes I had worn for 3 or 4 days straight. My hair was unkept and I thought it was fine. I figured no one would notice, my mom didn't care and I figured if something didn't look right she would have said something like I had seen other kids moms do.
Anyways....stemming from all that. I find it hard to trust people. I have an addiction to make up. I dont like not wearing it. I feel that if I dont wear it I'll be bothering other people who would see me. I realize how insanely stupid this sounds but I cant shake it. I HAVE to look my best to leave the house. If I know someone is coming over, ANYONE, I have to go see how I look. I feel like I have to be accpeted by everyone I meet. I'm very serious about that one. I can be metting someone for only 30 secons and for that 30 seconds I wonder if we could be friends, how I look, if I made a good impression. I know this stems from all the shit I dealt with as a litle kid. I never understood why I was treeated the way I was treated. I klnow some of the reasons by what they would say to me buit I still dont know why. For example, I would get complments from strangers that I had a porcelain dolls face. They would call me phantom at school because I didn't sleep good at all so would have bags under my eyes, and my extremely pale skin. When I developed acne I was told by a lot of popular kids, and the boy I had a crush on that I should wear make up because it would hide my acne. That no one wanted to see it, and prett ymuch hurt their eyes. I know thats where the make up addiction part comes from. I look back at my pictures and I see a beauftiful little girl with a LOT of hurt and confusion, a lack of udnerstanding of what was going on in her life, in her eyes. I look at me and I see that I'm still fighting with the same things. Like its all stuck on a record player going over and over.
I get angry when people tell me I spoil my daughter. I get angry when my mom calls DD her daughter as its not her duaghter, its her granddaughter. She's tried to have a say in a lot of Scarletts life (though she is only two) and if I say no to something she will do it anyways. If she doesn't like the shoes I got scarlett, she goes to walmart buys her another pair. I know that because I came to pick her up from staying at my moms for a night and my mom bought her the inexpensive outfits from walmart because she didn't like the ones I got Scarlett from Kohls. She didn't like her shoes so bought her a new pair and left the ones I got my daughter on the porch and got mad when she saw I didn't throw them away.
I have all of this...resentment....I think you would call it. I just....I feel like I'm not okay. I'm just not okay and I dont know what to do about it. I have no friends, the friends I thought I had were faker than fake. So I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I am afraid that I will get bashed. I feel ashamed for feeling like this and not being able to get over it. I feel anger towards my mom for turning a blind eye and not helping me. Dh has asked me why I care so much what people think. Why I feel like I need make up, etc etc. and I always said, "I dont know" but now I do. Annndd I dont know what to do about it. I just felt....that over the internet...maybe I'd get some advice. I know cafe mom has a lot of bashers but I figured....if its in the advice section maybe that just wont happen. I have never had counseling, I dont know how it works. I have heard it is expensive. I dont know how to go about getting it. I dont know if thats what I need, but I feel it might be. Like if theres a more appropriate place or someone esle I should talk to? I just feel like...I need some help.