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I am Imploding....

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:24 PM
  • 24 Replies

wow  Things have been going so good lately  hubby and I got into a little arguement a bout a month ago right before work.  My 4 year old girl decided she would not get dressed and laughed at me when I asked her to get dressed.  I gave her a swat on the bottom and put her on the couch.  I was so upset.  Well tonight I asked her to come and get a shower and she looked at me and said "don't hurt me mommy"  I fell to pieces..  She has been a little booger all day but I was not mad or anything.  I was shocked.  I went to take a band-aid off and she started screaming.  I thought I accidently scratched her but she kept saying that I was hurting her.  I started reading an sarticle online about children forgiving parents/  well it said that "THEY DO NOT FORGIVE PARENTS!"  I am freaking out right now.  What do I do?  For discipline I have started using the 1-2-3 Magic.  been using that since the last month  got amazing results.  I am so scrared that my children will hate me.  Help.  Me please.

by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mamakenzi
by Kenzi on Jun. 13, 2012 at 11:03 PM
3 moms liked this
Okay half of articles are garbage and just someone's opinion. Your kids aren't going to hate you. And just about all of them pull that line, or something similar, at one point. You are freaking out over nothing. Honestly just put it behind you, she is trying to get a reaction, don't give her that satisfaction over something negative.
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JasonsMom2007
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 11:04 PM
Yes they do forgive and its good for them to learn not everybody is perfect
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aimeegreen4ever
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 11:14 PM
I think its just a phase., my 4yr old does that all the time if he's in trouble or doesn't get what he wants,.he yells out,.don't hit me! We don't even spank him! Its pretty horrible with were in line at the grocery store and I tell him no to candy and he yells out, don't hit me...
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Christy644
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 11:19 PM
2 moms liked this
Put the article down. Take a deep breathe. Now tell yourself I am the parent you are not. Now tell that to your child.
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LindaClement
by on Jun. 14, 2012 at 6:01 PM

You missed part of what 1-2-3 Magic really is: threats.

What is the threat? Well, that's what is supposed to work: the children just don't know. It could be anything. What happens if you get to three?

Well, your 4yo has made it clear: she's sure you're going to hurt her.

I'd suggest that you put away all the 1-2-3 stuff, and get yourself a copy of Unconditional Parenting. Alfie Kohn is really clear about why 'all that' doesn't work --can't work-- including hundreds of research studies that demonstrate it not working, in spite of the researchers setting out to prove how well it works. He gives really sensible alternatives.

Online, you can find alternatives to mainstream parenting that don't include children fearing their parents, or any of the rest of the 'normal' things we see around us every day (rebellion, nervous habits, ocd, dissociative personality disorder...) There is a group here (called loving alternatives to mainstream parenting) as well as lots of other resources --including things like 101 things to do other than spanking a child.

sinorden1
by on Jun. 14, 2012 at 6:11 PM

sounds to me like your kid knows how to get to you. There are very intelligant at that age and know how to get what they want. She sounds like my daughter was-"drama queen". let her know in a calm voice that her behaver is not acceptable and your not gonna tolerate it. It worked with mine of course it really is gonna depend on her personality. You just have to keep trying till you find what works. SHE WILL NOT HATE NO MATTER WHAT.

Cpdsptchgrl
by on Jun. 14, 2012 at 6:21 PM
2 moms liked this
You're child is manipulating you. Nothing more. That said try to pick up a copy of The Kazdin Method for Parentinf the Defiant Child by Alan E Kazdin. I used to think these books were crap until my DD had a terribly traumatic experience. She was defiant befor that, but after it was BAD! To the point she was throwing multiple fits a day that would last over an hour and she was becoming a danger to herself and others. The discipline I knew how to use was making it worse. She was seeing a Psychologist because of the traumatic experience and it was so bad she was considering a consultation with a psychiatrist. My baby was only 3 then. She recommended this book to me. My mom bought a copy as well so that we could both discipline the same way since my mother is her daycare. My child is now almost 5 and better behaved than most kids her age! You wouldn't even know it was the same child! I don't think if the circumstance is right that there is anything wrong with spanking, but I'm telling you...this book was the miracle I'd been praying for when it came to DD.
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erikadi
by Bronze Member on Jun. 14, 2012 at 8:01 PM

Then keep doing that if it works. Your children will not always like you especially when they are being disciplined, but they will always love you unless you do something incredibly messed up.

truetigress
by Member on Jun. 15, 2012 at 12:18 AM

First of all you need to throw out all those "discipline my way" books....they really are better food for a roaring fire. FACT is......Kids are not born with a set of instructions...so there is no book that you will find that will work for YOUR child.

Second you know your child better than ANYONE else. You carried her in your uterus for nine months...you were there when she was born and you've been by her side eversince. Through all that time you know what she responds to better than anyone else.

Third FORGIVE yourself. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IT'S HOW WE LEARN.....That's a big one. You need to learn it and your kids need to learn it from you. Face it...without an instruction guide we're all flying by the seat of our pants with this parenting thing. It can be a little overwhelming if you let it. We're bound to make mistakes and we'll have to forgive ourselves when we do...it's how we learn what works and what doesn't.

Fourth..put yourself in your child's position...Sometimes kids don't even understand why they acted out or why they are upset. Sometimes you need to help them decipher their own feelings.

Fifth...teach them as they have feelings so does everyone they meet and how they react to something will cause the other person to react to them. Important when your child has been in an arguement with a sibling.

--------------------

A little about me...

 

I read book after book about how to deal with my daughter's bad behavior. I looked online for information and was bombarded with all sorts of "rules about discipline". I wanted to be the perfect mom who made her kids mind without breaking their spirit. My own childhood my mom had disciplined each of us the same. It didn't work with me. I both feared her and resented her every breath I took for it too. I can't blame her because that is all she knew and it worked for her first child so why shouldn't it work with all of us. She ruled us with the hand and the hickory switch, and the belt , and the back of a brush...I remember a shoe....I was not made that way. All I could do is remember how much I hated it and I didn't want my kids to hate me.

It didn't stop me from trying it once though and it was a choice my daughter made. I told her to either apologize to her sister or she would get a spanking it was her choice. She chose the spanking. I know more important than anything is that your kids know that we WILL follow through with discipline, even if they choose it. So I spanked her and although I felt in control of each swat it killed me and it took a long time after for me to recover. Longer than it did for her.

I began yelling. I thought if I sounded angry enough they would think I was more serious. All that did was elicit a response from my husband who feared I would really hurt them.

I was always of the mind if something does not work then I'll find something else. I asked our pediatrician and he told me what worked for him. His daughters' were all taught the same and none of them have scars from it. He told me he would put them in their room for a time out. He said it hurt us more than it hurt them but to hold the door closed. It didn't sound too bad and so I did it.

The first time out was the worst one in the history of time outs...I counted how long my daughter was in there....3 HOURS....no joke...it killed me inside but I stuck to it. That night I spoke with my husband about tweaking the time out a bit. I put her in that room so she could calm herself not so she could cry for three hours. So I tried timing her time outs. She was 3 so it was okay to put her in there for 3 minutes. When I let her out she went right back and did the thing she was put in time out for. So I knew that wasn't working.

Then I found myself getting mad so I'd walk out onto my porch and take a few deep breaths...in essence I had put MYSELF in a time out. It alarmed the kids because they knew mommy was on the porch cause she was mad. I came back in the house to the cry of "sorry mommy" or "sorry you are so mad". That made me think even more. I observed my children after that. I started watching them closely and could tell when they were getting angry....they looked as I do before I get mad!

I didn't time my time outs...I came back in when I could calmly face them again...and then it struck me...time outs should be a time to cool down....not be asked to sit in a corner or in a chair or even on a rug in a certain part of the room...it was a place that felt soothing so I could calm down.

The bathroom in our house is on the first floor just off of the kitchen...it has a window you can see out of and all the medicine is in a locked cabinet. The kids can reach the washrags, the sink, and they could sit on their seat on the toilet. It's a safe room and therefore it was perfect.

So the next time time outs were called for I put my daughter in the bathroom I announced "You are now in time out"...then I added "When you calm down and stop crying you can come out". I'd check in on her every few minutes asking "Have you calmed down yet?"

First time I did that my daughter tried to pull a fast one. She had been hitting her sister to get put in there. After she said she had calmed down she was allowed to leave the room but when she made a bee line to her sister with her fist at the ready I stopped her and marched her right back to time out. I told her "You have not calmed down so you have to stay here til you do!" The whole time the door was wide open.

A few weeks of this and one day I saw my daughter stomping to the bathroom and she had her arms folded saying "hmph....hmph....hmph" I asked her what was wrong and she said she hit her sister and she was putting herself in time out. I knew then that it WORKED.

Keep in mind after time out was over I explained to them that I love them more than anything but they need to learn self control. I also told them that they made a mistake....it doesn't make them a bad person...only a person who is learning . It's okay to make mistakes...it's how we learn from them that makes us the people we are.

They are 8 and 5 and they are more like sisters. Only once in awhile will I find the need for the time out. When they go in there they say "oops I made a mistake...can I apologize to her?" I will allow it.

I think sometimes that if my mom had handled me in the same manner I would have tried to do better myself. It wasn't until I had kids and realized how hard it is and how scary it is to do right by your kids that I finally realized she loved me enough to do what she knew worked. I love her now more than any time in my life and she's gone.

I want my kids to know that mommy may have made mistakes raising them but she did try to make them mind the best way she knew how.

Windowdove
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:12 AM
We are way too hard on ourselves as moms. Your not perfect, nor is any other mom on this earth. You just do your best, because you know you love your kids. That's all that matters.

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