Should I break my Sons heart in order to do what's best for him?
So my DS is 8, has Autism ADHD and a variety of behavioral issues. He is the type of child who I have to monitor constantly what he is exposed to. He loves reactions and feeds on them, so when there is questionable things being said and done around him I panic at the possibility of him putting his own spin on inappropriate things and going for gold with them. Most of the time he's pretty funny and it's hard not to laugh, but then there's other times I'm like wtf?
Anyhow, his father and I are not married, never were, and we've been friends for over 15 years (we just made an oopsy baby), but managed to stay friends with each other for DS sake. He adores his dad. Why I don't know, but he does. The problem with that is his dad is a drug addict, a liar, a thief, and pretty much a piece of trash. Like the kind of trash we all love to make fun of and pray our kids don't turn out like. But, he's his dad and having been a child of a split home, I swore that, as long as hes clean for his visits, I would continue to keep their relationship going. Every child needs to know their dad. I am not the one who would deny my kid that.
Dad was doing good for a while, had been sober for almost 2 years, his new wife turned out to be pretty cool and my DS gained a brother and a sister. life was good for him. I knew that DS was getting exposed to foul language and a lifestyle that I wouldn't choose for him, but I kept telling myself that everyone needs a trashy side, and as long as dad was sober for his visits, DS would grow up one day and figure out his dad is a loser and choose to cut ties (yeah right, wishful thinking I know) visits are few and far, and carefully planned out by his step mom and I. If it weren't for her, he'd never see his dad, she wears the pants and that's good, cause hes a moron
That was untill I was asked by my 8 year old if I was gonna "smoke a bowl" after I got off of work. WTF? We found out about a month ago Dad has relapsed (for the 100th time) bad, (crack and coke) lost his wife, kids, job, everything he was working on. It's a shame and and I pray for him. He managed to get his wife not to leave buy attempting suicide and sucking her in further (poor girl).
Am I wrong for taking the enough is enough attitude. and finally cutting all ties with this loser? This man is a drug addict, an abuser, and a low life who obviously can't get it together. DS asks all the time to see his dad like he used to but I can't in good conscience tell him the truth... yet. He is simply to young to understand. So I've been changing the subject and distracting him. Help!?!?! How do I play this hand with out killing off a potential relationship between them in the future?
sorry for the situation you are in. my daughters "dad" is an ass too!! and when it comes down to it.you have to do what is best for your son...and that (in my opinion) would be to cut off all ties..its no good to be exposing your son to that bad behaviour. kids, especially boys and their dads, are SOOO impressionable, monkey see, monkey do!! good luck! hope you figure things out
I can relate to loving a fool.... it's ok. Everyone loves at least one in a lifetime. I think that you definatly need to make sure he doesn't glamorize his Dad and that he isnt cut off from him either. If you think your son's Father is bi polar then you probably need to look for signs of that in your son. Keep him involved in LOTS of activities. Seems like you know what the right thing to do is. I wish you the best.
Quoting SarahCnDsMom:
Quoting Queen_Bree:Well, first you say he is your FRIEND. I think that says a lot That you still call him friend. You move on to call him a loser and trash...so I only have this to say... There are ways for him to be a part of his son's life weather he stays clean or not. I think it would be best to do that since a lot of kids never see their dads as kids because they are addicts. then when they finally meet later in life the child is also sucked into drugs because the parent is still an addict and still using and now the child wants to do anything he can to be with Dad and of course the child will think drugs are great because nothing bad could keep a Dad away from his child right? well, kids don't always think things through rationally and sometimes they subconsciously drift off to that lifestyle because of the pain they have from not seeing Dad for years.
There are ways to let your child to make the decisions on his own to see Dad or not. I suggest getting a counselor to attend the supervised visits. Unless he is physically abusing him I see no reason to keep him from his Dad as long as he is sober when the visit takes place. Please think about what I said I know two guys that had drug addict Dads and both are now addicts. They never saw their Dads as kids and when they did meet their Dads they had no defense for them and they were sucked into drugs too and now do drugs with their Dads. Its very sad and it could have been prevented by allowing them to see their Dads and build the needed skills to work through the parents addiction. If you shelter him from the truth he may not know how to deal with that when the time comes. Remember that YOU have the upper hand so don't be hard or cruel but be FIRM. Taking the child away isn't the answer maybe without your child your FRIEND may not have a reason to think twice. We all live this life together our lives touch one an other's for a reason. I wish you the best!
I think about this all the time!!!! Even at 8 I see the risk of addictive behavior in him. It's like looking in a mirror of his dad (and myself, I'm was no angel either) oh god it scares me to death, and HES ONLY 8!!! He already behaves and thinks like his dad. I seriously believe dad is BI Polar, (maybe even a touch Autistic himself too?) and I've known his dad forever, I was there growing up with him. It's creepy how alike they are already. But the chain breaks with DS!!!!! I agree with not taking him away completely, I don't want him to glamorize his dad more that he already does, and he definitely wants most the things he cannot have. As far as his dad being my friend, He is/was, but the fact of the matter is he is exactly how I described him. I thought long and hard on how to paint a correct picture with out being to mean or offend those that live in trailers, (sorry) And I don't feel bad about describing him as he is, I could fill pages on what qualifies him as described. BUT, none the less, he IS one of my oldest friends and I'm sure he would describe as a bunch of other stuff, we don't really play nice anymore, but if I needed a kidney, he'd be first in line. as much as I can't stand what he's become, I still have a place in my heart for the fool
How do you deal with a potty mouth?!
- SarahCnDsMom
on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:38 PM