Well we went on and had our son Haiden. At this point his world of warcraft seemed to be his life not me or his son. When he would feed Haiden he would set Haiden on his lap, put the bottle in his mouth and play his game. This is when thigs were bad but we worked through it.
Then we had our second son Logan. At this point he was not big into world of warcraft but was big into startrek. I couldnt ask him for help when he was watching it, hell he even watched it while we were in the hospital after i gave birth.
Now he went back to world of warcraft. And we are struggling with Haiden who is 4.5 now with his artitude abd behavior. I brought up counseling to help us get better ideas on to deal with Haiden, more for me than Chris cuz i am a stay at home mom while he is working. At first chris didnt want to, but after i told him tge way haiden acted towards his dr and she highly recomened it, he agreed.
The first meeting i was able to express how i felt since i was a young mom when i had him, ( still am only 23), which might be why we had some issues. Was abel to discuss Haidens attitude and behavior and she gave me tips to try. So i tried it abd its working on not only him but the kids i watch too. I an in a better routine, and doing rewards and sticking with it.
Well today we had our second meeting with Haidens counseler, its a parent meeting just like the first. Now i will admit i did go overboard on my talking not just about Haiden and Logan but also the kids i watch, since she asked how it was going. I tokd her better, and my punishing ideas and she was proud of me as well as myself. Well during this meeting the counsler asked how Chris and I are together and our realtionship, to see if that is why Haiden is the wat he is. I told her it could be better and wish that Chris would help me out more. She asks chris what he does at home and asks if he helps out. He lied and got very angry. She asked what chris does at home and stuff. I told her what i see everyday abd even on the weekends. Which is Chris gets up at 4:30am to go to work, he works til 2pm, around 2:15 he comes home and plays world of warcraft with his fruends out of state from 2:30 all tge way til 4:30 5 which is dinner time ans even comes late at the table. We eat, after he is finished he leaves his plate, goes down in the basement for 10mins, cleans one kid and deoending on his mokd both kids, but leaves the plates including his and the rag on the table for me to clean. Around 5:30 he goes back to his game and plays til 7pm, where he then helps me get one kid dressed for bed, watches his show while i get the kids snack. Around 7:30 he goes upstairs to say goodnight to tge boys, heads in the shower for a half hr, and we then get a show to watch frim 8 to 9 and lights out. Now its worse on the weekends cuz he plays longer. We dont do a date night cuz he uses the excuse that its his family time, and he doesnt want to ruin that. So the only time we go out just him and i is for our annuversery or my bday. And i brought that up but he got defensive abd said he would like that, but no solner than we leave i bring up a date night he says no weekends are family time.
Now is he in denial or am i just angry cuz i do so much and everythibg to keep Chris happy.
Sorry long but kind of frustraed.
It sounds like he is in denial and doesn't realize the actual amount of time spent on the gaming and such. There are 2 weekend nights per week and he can spend one of them with you and the other one with the kids and you or just the kids. It really sounds like he has no clue how to relate to you in the relationship so he hides in the games...There are many people out there with social anxiety that are the same way. I wish you luck but it doesn't sound like anything will change anytime soon.
Somehow, someway can you "lose" the game? The pretend ignorance? Or is that the same as telling a lie?
Sounds like my husband but his is the computer or tablet. He thinks that because he's in the same room as us, he's spending quality time. I admit my dh is not as excessive as yours sounds but its still the mentality where they think as long as they are there all is good.
Sounds to me like he's in denial and addicted to WOW. My son was hooked on the game for a few years and it really sucks people in.
My advice: Discretely keep track of his time on the computer, write down the day/hours. Key being discretely here. Then after a couple weeks, show him the amount of time he's logged in gaming. If you can calmly ask him to look at that and see where he could cut back, maybe he will snap and realize the volume of time. And if it were me, I'd do this in private because in a therapy situation he might become defensive, shut down, and miss the point--but that's just how my man is, lol.
You could also tell him you feel neglected and you either need date night or girls night etc. one night a week, his choice to go out with you or babysit. Then stick to your guns. I use a family calendar in the kitchen and mark my girl's night so DH remembers. You have to carve out that time for yourself, especially with little kids no one is going to hand it to you.
And btw, from what you wrote he does help out a fair amount and is there for the kids. He sounds like a good dad.
You guys need to agree on times that he can play his games. I understand this is probably his way of destressing, but he needs to focus more on the people in his house rather than in his video games.
I think maybe it is his way of unwinding, and obviously something he enjoys. Unfortunately, the amount of time he spends playing video games is disproportionate considering the amount of time he is spending with his family. This is a negotiation issue. In a marriage, couples must be able to negotiate together to create a distribution of time and labor that best meets the needs of everyone in the family. It's not a you negotiate yours against his negotiating his, but rather you both sitting down together, deciding what needs to be done and what the time constraints are and then figuring out the best way to work as a team to meet those demands. Within that framework, he needs time to play his game, and you need time for yourself during the week. The challenge is learning to work together to accomplish that, but that is key to a successful marriage. He may be angry and unhappy, but he needs to get over and grow up. Sounds like you are willing to be flexible and work at it. He must be, too. If not, you really don't have a partner in your marriage.
Growth spurt?
- HLmom89
on Jun. 28, 2012 at 11:05 PM