stepmom of 14 yr old girl that does not communicate properly.
I am a mother of a 13 yr old girl and 16 yr old boy and a stepmom of a 14 yr old girl and 23 yr old girl that recently got her own apartment in town. I am a stay home mom/stepmom. i married my husband 2 and a half year ago. my stepdaughters moved in with us (me, my husband and my 2 children) july 2011. before that our families have not live on a regular basis. although we did vacation and had sleepovers from time to time. He had his home and i had mine. He lived alone and had visits with his girls and my children live with me full time with weekends and visits with their dad. my ex and i are very good friends as well as my husband and my ex are good friends. however my husband does not communicate with ex except about the 14 yr old.
I have a very close and honest relationship with my children. We do talk about a lot. i feel they know they can come to me and they do.
Our town recently lost a child to suicide and another child to a motor vehicle accident both died ages 17 and 15. both children were direct friends with all three of my teens. we talked a lot about what happened and how they feel as well as shared a lot of emotion and promises to each other. unfortunately 2 children died however, there are many lessons and examples to be learned from these experiences.
this brings me to what i need advice about. with these recent (both deaths within the last 2 and half weeks) many examples and points were talked about with our children in very long and all adding comments, questions and feelings by all of us. leaving me with the feeling that the children understood. Two nights ago my 14 yr old stepdaughter wanted to go to a local carnival. we said okay we drove her and her friends to and from the carnival as well touched base with them. my 13 yr old daughter asked her stepsister if she could go with her and her friends , she said not tonite but tomorrow we will take u. okay the next night my 13 yr old was expecting to go as promised however my 14 yr old ditched her and not until she was at the carnival did she let us know where she was. but she did say her friends mom may take them somewhere, however she was told to let us know when she knew. she did not until i out right asked if she was at her friends house or at the carnival. that is when i found out her friends mom dropped them and would pic them up from the carnival that they were already at. so my 13 yr old finds out gets upset and said her stepsister promised and she did and did not keep her promise. i was upset for my 13 yr old however i just let my stepdaughter know that what she did was not nice, unfair and i was disappointed the way she treated my 13 yr old. she said sorry okay next day my 14 yr old wanted to go to her friends house so my 13 yr old asked if she could go . my stepdaughter told her that her friends mom didn't want more than 2 friends over. so no not tonite next time. so i load my 3 children and 1 friend( who is in my care for a week asked by her mom as she would be away) into the car i drop my stepdaughter and her friend off at other friends house i did ask 3 times that they were going to stay there and all times replied yes we are. i leave and return a few minute later because i forgot something. as i drive up my older 23 yr old stepdaughterdriving the opposite way i stop her and asked what she was doing there she replied nothing so i let her know her sister was at her friend house. she said oh yeah? as i was talking with her i saw the 3 girls squished down in the back seat. i saw it all over my 23yr olds face. but i talked myself into not saying anything and continued to the 14 yr old friends house as the three girls come walking around the opposite corner of the house and out of breath. i call them over and they went on to saying they were out for a walk. (even after i knew they were in the backseat of the car and got dropped off in back and ran around the house to come out the opposite way than the older sister drove away in.) they said they just ran into my older child. (this house is in a private townhouse complex that is small) (as well as my older stepdaughter does not know anyone in there except my 14 yr old's friend.) so the three girls say they were "done" with their walk and were going back in the friends house. so i say ok and leave. i see the older ones car parked in a spot on my way out. i keep going. i go across the road to our food market and as i was walking toward then entrance i see my older child drive out of the complex with all three girls. i go home explain what happen to my husband ( their father) and he leaves and goes to the friends house to discover they are not there. he call his oldest daughter and let her know they were caught and we all need to talk. she did acknowledge how wrong she was and how wrong the whole thing was. She did drop off the girls. after they were done and 45 minutes late. my 14 yr old and her friend who is in our care came in and right up to bed. i didn't want to even see them my husband checked on them. my boy and my girl were in bed. no involvement.
the points are all three girls lied to my face as they were asked 3 times on the way over that that is were they will be then my older stepdaughter lied to my face as the three girls were in her backseat then as they were "out for their walk" after being let out of the car behind the house. the girls lied again to my face that their walk was done and they were going back inside. then i leave and they leave again. then i see them leave. i feel i was used and they had no respct for me as well as i thought they would be honest with me and not sneak and lie as i thought we were close . i normally do not get upset i usually talk it out and they add to the talk. and my 13 yr old was played for a fool as she lent the girls some of her clothes and was asked to look for a facial product for them when she went to the store with me as they lied to her used her clothes and broke a promise for the second time as well as lied to my face over and over. my heart breaks for my 13 yr old that will feel like poop as this gets addressed when my husband come home from work tonight.
what are any suggestions anyone could give me as to a punishment or how to be effective an making the girls understand how wrong this was in many ways.
please help stressed out loving stepmom