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How do I draw the line? (kinda long)

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 12:05 AM
  • 7 Replies

I'm having trouble with my Mom undermining me as a parent.  If I try to discipline my daughter in  front of her my mother acts as though I'm too tough on her.  (She does the same thing to my sister with her daughter.)  For example: Tonight we ate supper at my Mom's.  After I took my DD to pick out pet rabbits.  She was taught how to hold the rabbit by the farmer.  When we got home she wanted to hold it again but was not holding it correctly (though I tried to show her several times) so the bunny tried to get down and scratched her (didn't leave a mark).  She screamed, cried, and was loud enough to disturb the neighbors.  (My daughter has ADHD and has problems with self control and is often very dramatic in her behavior.)  She left the bunny with me and went into the garage and threw things.  I was trying not to cry so I started to laugh- my way of coping- stupid I know, but it just comes out that way.  I put the bunny away, got DD into the house where she continued her tantrum.  While running her bath and letting her cry it out until she was calm enough to talk reasonably I called my mom to vent.  What a mistake.  Before I could tell her what had happened she heard the tantrum and asked to talk to DD.  Thinking she was going to try to calm her down, I put DD on the phone with her.  Mom told DD that I was wrong and that I needed to appologize for laughing.  Then DD gave the phone back to me and Mom started screaming at me.  She had not heard my side of the story at all, she just talked to my DD (who was mad that she got in trouble for her behavior) and my Mom did not want to hear about the bigger picture.  I told her that I had dealt with one tantrum and was not ready to deal with another and when she was ready to be rational I would talk to her. 

The other thing she has been doing that is creating problems is making snide comments about my current daycare (which I LOVE) in front of DD.  Now my DD is reluctant to go and it is a struggle to get her there every morning.  Mom used to babysit but because of health issues she no longer does and I think she is a little bitter about it.  My Mom is very sedentary and my DD watched a lot of TV in her care.  At the daycare she has outdoor play time and lots of kids to keep her company.  Mom makes comments that she should be allowed to stay inside, it is mean that they make her go outside to play, etc.  My DD had a weight problem while being babysat by my  Mom, her weight is now normal.  Also her behavior has improved since the switch.

So, how can I nicely draw the line and set some boundaries with my Mom?  I don't want WW3- I do want to stand my ground though.


by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 12:05 AM
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Replies (1-7):
mlg1989
by Member on Jul. 10, 2012 at 12:06 AM
Write a letter?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ArcticFire
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 12:22 AM
3 moms liked this

Lol, I totally get ALL of that and deal with it myself....my mom is a 3 minute drive from my place, loves kids in theory but not in practice. The only thing she hates more than all that goes with having children is hearing/seeing me parent my own children. Here's some simple rules to guard your own sanity.

1.) Never, NEVER call your mother for venting purposes -of any kind. This is what friend's and spouces are for, otherwise your better off talking to a chair.

2.) YOU are that child's parent, not her. Your child = YOUR rules. Any one who doesn't like it or doesn't want to respect it can hit the bricks.

3.) As YOUR mother, her role is to support emotionally but NEVER undermine your authority. (any questions; see rule 2)

4.) Continued defiance of your authority demands consequences (also see rule 2) 

5.) Questions, comments or concerns may be addressed respectfully and in private; NEVER by speaking to your child about it. That is grounds for automatic revocation of privileges. (see rule 2)

SexyTeacher
by Gold Member on Jul. 10, 2012 at 1:58 AM

Stop visiting/talking to her for a while. If that doesn't work you might get want to go hard line and tell her to "shut up"! I had to do that with my mom and then stopped talking to her and letting her see dd for about a month. It worked.

DarlaHood
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 3:04 AM

This.... I am a mom with a 27 year old dd and 7 yr old granddaughter.  I would never do these things because not only would it hurt my dd and our relationship, but it would also hurt my granddaughter.  If your mother can't be supportive and respectful of boundaries, then these rules are reasonable and necessary.

Quoting ArcticFire:

Lol, I totally get ALL of that and deal with it myself....my mom is a 3 minute drive from my place, loves kids in theory but not in practice. The only thing she hates more than all that goes with having children is hearing/seeing me parent my own children. Here's some simple rules to guard your own sanity.

1.) Never, NEVER call your mother for venting purposes -of any kind. This is what friend's and spouces are for, otherwise your better off talking to a chair.

2.) YOU are that child's parent, not her. Your child = YOUR rules. Any one who doesn't like it or doesn't want to respect it can hit the bricks.

3.) As YOUR mother, her role is to support emotionally but NEVER undermine your authority. (any questions; see rule 2)

4.) Continued defiance of your authority demands consequences (also see rule 2) 

5.) Questions, comments or concerns may be addressed respectfully and in private; NEVER by speaking to your child about it. That is grounds for automatic revocation of privileges. (see rule 2)


TempestRayne
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:07 AM

 Stop talking to her about your parenting struggles. If she makes comments, remind her that DD is your child, and if she has such a problem withthe way you parent shehas only herself to blame, sinc eyou learned everything from her ;) j/k, don't do that. You just need to distance yorself from your mother in regards to parenting and find someone else to talk to.

iggwhipped72
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:13 AM
You've got some awesome advice here! The trick is to follow it. It will pay off for you!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ceciliam
by Cecilia on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:47 AM

good

Quoting ArcticFire:

Lol, I totally get ALL of that and deal with it myself....my mom is a 3 minute drive from my place, loves kids in theory but not in practice. The only thing she hates more than all that goes with having children is hearing/seeing me parent my own children. Here's some simple rules to guard your own sanity.

1.) Never, NEVER call your mother for venting purposes -of any kind. This is what friend's and spouces are for, otherwise your better off talking to a chair.

2.) YOU are that child's parent, not her. Your child = YOUR rules. Any one who doesn't like it or doesn't want to respect it can hit the bricks.

3.) As YOUR mother, her role is to support emotionally but NEVER undermine your authority. (any questions; see rule 2)

4.) Continued defiance of your authority demands consequences (also see rule 2) 

5.) Questions, comments or concerns may be addressed respectfully and in private; NEVER by speaking to your child about it. That is grounds for automatic revocation of privileges. (see rule 2)


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