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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

MILis dying and no one has told her grand daughter. WWYD?

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:50 PM
  • 22 Replies
Ok a bit of background first. My DH has 2 brothers and 2 sisters none of them are close (all were put into homes when the the oldest (DH) was 10, and they weren't back together for 6 years (MIL was a drug addict and ended up in what was in those days called an assylum) so the "normal" family connections weren't made.

There are 7 grandchildren.

MIL is in a nursing home (due to the fact that she requires specialised medics care) we were advised on Monday night that she had had a stroke and it wasn't looking good that family should gather to say goodbye.

The middle brother "T" has proven extremely difficult to contact to let him know what is happening. T has a 16year old dd who has been very close with MIL my issue is that no one in DH's family has told the GD what is going on with MIL - they are waiting to contact T so that he can tell her. Now keep in mind that they have contact number for GD's mother and could get her to tell GD they won't until they have spoken to T, why? Because she will be pi$$ed at hearing it from people other than her parents.
We went to the hospital yesterday and the nurses told us it is essentially a matter of hours or days - possibly weeks at the most. I am concerned that my niece is not going to be told in time and she is going to miss the opportunity to say goodbye.

I am tempted to call my niece and let her know, I will also pick her up and take her to the hospital to see MIL if that's what she wants.

I want to respect my DH's family's wishes but I think my niece has the right to know now (who knows how long it will take to make contact with T) so that she at least has the opportunity to say goodbye? In the same situation I would be far more pi$$ed if no one told me till it was too late.

So my question is would you ring or not?



** UPDATE ** Thank you ladies for your advice. I have DH and his family an ultimatum either they get their fingers out and find T or someone tells GD by 8pm last night. DH's sister told GD about 6pm and GD has been to see MIL (I have confirmed this with home) I don't really care if they find T it is his right to drop off the face of the earth but his daughter still deserves to know what is going on with her GM.
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by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SouthTxPrincess
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:36 PM
3 moms liked this
I would call why take the chance of her missing saying good bye. You can deal with dh family later.
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I_told_you_so
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:41 PM
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If they have the number for GD's mother, then they should contact her and let her decide whether or not to tell the daughter.   How you could handle it is to call the GD's mom and tell her that MIL is really bad - matter of hours and they need to find T.  It's possible that the mom may know where T is.   Either way, you've let her know that MIL has hours without specifically telling GD, ot asking to let GD know.  It's not really your place to let anyone know, but ask the people looking for T if they have asked gD's mom where he is.  If I were in GD's place, I would be extremely pissed - enough to sever all ties to the family - if I could have been told BEFORE she died.

snowangel1979
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:49 PM
1 mom liked this
I would be pressuring Dh and his family to contact GD's mother. Maybe she will know how to get in touch with T. Or even make the call yourself to GD's mother. They may be mad now but really how can they hold it against you

IDK how they could be mad if It's her mother telling her or are they forgetting that is one of her parents.
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kimber2465
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2012 at 7:25 PM
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i would call her. deal with all other later. she would be really uspet if she didn't get a chance to say good bye.

DarlaHood
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 7:36 PM
1 mom liked this

There probably is no one "right" answer here.  It's a judgment call.  Some are gonna say stay out of it cuz it's not your family, and you shouldn't overstep your bounds.  Some are going to say just do it.

Personally, I would tell my dh, either you call, or I'm going to.  I'm sorry, I don't want to overstep my bounds, but I don't feel there is any choice because we're running out of time. And then, if he didn't, I would call and just let the mom know so she can speak with her dd.

The thing is, that's just my conviction that the girl's right to say goodbye to her grandma if she wants to trumps their right to be pissy about how the situation is handled.  I was close to my grandma's, so I'm probably biased in that way.  But I would just take the backlash if it came, and feel good that I did what I felt was the right thing.

Others will disagree with me (hopefully respectfully), but ultimately you are the one who has to make the judgment call.  And chances are, someone is not gonna like it.

K9LEOWifeMomto4
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 4:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Make the call, let them know what is going on, and help get GD there if Mom will allow.

SWasson
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 7:25 AM

I would call. She's 16, not 6.

hehehe
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:24 AM

Honestly, I would respect the family and their wishes. The dynamics sound messed up, it's not  your child, it's technically not your family.

TempestRayne
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 11:37 AM
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Quoting I_told_you_so:

If they have the number for GD's mother, then they should contact her and let her decide whether or not to tell the daughter.   How you could handle it is to call the GD's mom and tell her that MIL is really bad - matter of hours and they need to find T.  It's possible that the mom may know where T is.   Either way, you've let her know that MIL has hours without specifically telling GD, ot asking to let GD know.  It's not really your place to let anyone know, but ask the people looking for T if they have asked gD's mom where he is.  If I were in GD's place, I would be extremely pissed - enough to sever all ties to the family - if I could have been told BEFORE she died.


katiebeth1821
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 12:05 PM

wow im sorry for everything. Thats hard but no matter what family is family and T should be able to say good bye but there is nothing you can do if he isnt answering his phone.

Maybe if you know where he lives

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