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What do I tell my DD?

Posted by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:37 PM
  • 9 Replies

My DD's bio father and I split 3 year ago when she was not quite a year and a half. I have since remarried a wonderful man who is everything a woman could want in a husband and a father. He is amazing with my DD, he treats her as his own. You would never even know that they were not biologically related.

My DD sees her dad semi frequently through a custody order. The CO states every other week end from Fri to Sun. There are times though that he chooses not to exercise his visitation. He is also allowed to call her when he wants, sometimes that is every night before bed for a week or two, sometimes he will go a week without calling.

When the phone calls do come, she does not want to talk. When its time for her to go to his house she doesnt want to go. She cries and says she wants to be with my husband and I.

I dont know what goes on over there that would make her not want to go or why she doesnt even want to talk to him. I NEVER bad mouth my ex. I have done everything I can to help foster a healthy relationship for them. I have arranged for them to attend father daughter dances, suggested different kinds of activities they can do together, supplied him with materials for activites she enjoys, etc.

When asked why she doesnt want to go with him, her only response is because she loves me and my husband and wants to stay with us.

How do I deal? How do I help her deal?

by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:37 PM
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by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:51 PM
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It may have something to do with the frequency. If it was every weekend, then he skips a month, She doesn't know what to expect. She may have issues trusting him because he's not 100% steady in her life.

At that age a lot of children have problems with change.
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by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:54 PM

 If this is a change in behavior that seemed to have started around the time you got married, that might be it.  If it started at some other apparently random time, I would think it's most likely to be either something happened at her father's house or (and I think more likely than some sudden thing in a visitation situation that, as inconsistant as it is, has been going on "forever" in her mind) someone said something, possibly about her living with him or ???  If she goes to daycare or any variety of "school", a child there might have said something that sparked a thought in her mind about her situation with you and your ex-.

I would carefully explore the situation in a low key environment (like making snack one day) and ask very open-ended questions, maybe start with asking what she did last time she was with your ex-, then tell her about something you remember enjoying having done with him, then ask her what she wants to do next time she sees him or what she's looking forward to doing, etc.  At whatever point there's a negative answer, I would ask (as nonchalantly as possible) why... (whatever she said) and then gently question (careful questions, as non-leading as possible).  I think that's the best way to find out who said what or what was done.

Hope you get to the bottom of this, it's hard sending your kids somewhere and trusting someone else with them, especially when they're as inconsistant as your ex- seems to have been where she's concerned.

by Gold Member on Jul. 13, 2012 at 8:43 PM

Tell her that her dad loves her too and he wants to spend time with her. I don't know how old she is but maybe explain that she should try to enjoy her time with her dad because you never know how quickly life can change and she may not get the opportunity later. 

by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 8:52 PM

If I read your post correctly, shes about 4 1/2, right? 

my 4 1/2 year old has no concept of time, other than 'now' and 'not now' lol 

Every other weekend, or weekends in general or not this week but next week make perfect sense to the adults, but thats really hard to grasp for a 4 year old, so it probably seems, to her, like every so often, out of the blue daddy shows up.  Thats confusing and unsettling for a child. 

Talk to dad about the importance of showing up, or giving lots of notice if he has to reschedule on rare occasions, then make DD a calendar where you can put her major events and activities, as well as when she goes to daddys house.  Something like a picture of your house on days shes with you and a picture of daddys house or something else that will cue her to him for those days, and then every day talk about the calendar and whats happening today and tomorrow and in this many more days you will go to daddy's for 2 days etc...  

Giving her some choice, where you can, might also be helpful. 

"Should daddy pick you up here, or should I drive you to his house?" 

"Do you want to eat dinner here and then go, or eat dinner with daddy?"   

by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 10:07 PM

Thanks ladies. I just want to do what is right for her, protect her...and also encourage a good, healthy relationship for them.

by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 6:04 PM

omg see this is why I did what I had to do.  This is not something a little girl should have to go through.  Your husband is her real father.

by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 6:07 PM

see if your ex will let your husband adopt.

by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 6:14 PM

Have you ever asked your DD why she doesnt want to go over ? i realize she isnt very old, but still she should be able to show/say why she doesnt want to go over . ? .

by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 7:24 PM

well you have a court order the child has to go.. so just tell her that her boidad loves her too & wants to see her , that its ok to love more than one daddy.. I have been divorced twice & have kids from both marriages & am now remarried so I have had to deal with this.. as much as we dont want to the best thing to do is make it seem fun for her. however I would ask her if she feels safe there, check her for bruises, watch her for weird behavior.. I would talk to the ex & let him know you are worried & why. take her to counseling it helped my 9 yr deal with her dad moving to another state ( the rejection she felt) plus if there is anything bad goign on the counsleer may be able to pick that up.

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