Discipline in front of others

 I discipline my kids in public exactly the same as I would at home.  My kids know the rules, and they know the consequences for breaking the rules.  If they choose to ignore the rules, they are choosing to be punished according to those rules, whether we are in public or not.  I'm not worried about humiliating them.  They made the choice to get punished, whether that's time out, a stern talking to, or whatever.  I have smacked a hand before as well.  My children are NOT my employees, and I do not have to put up with their horrible behavior in public any more than I do in private.

It depends on so many different factors; age, time and place, action that caused disciplining and above all else, the child's temperament.  I honestly believe that each child's temperament should dictate how you handle discipline.  A meek or shy child should never be humiliated by their parents.  An obstinate or stubborn child probably needs a firmer handling.  A small child needs immediate rebuking usually while an older child can wait.  It just all really depends.

That being said, my MIL has told me a couple times that what finally made my hubby stop acting out in public as a child was having one of the ladies at their church come up to him and ask him about the temper tantrum she saw him pitching at the store the day before.  My MIL said he was so embarassed that someone he knew saw him acting bad and dared to mention it to him, that he never did it again.  So a little embarassment here and there will not destroy a strong willed child.

I think it depends on the "Crime" in question. If their behavior involves some type of social issue (sharing, hitting, bullying, etc) then yes, I think it SHOULD be public. Social issues require social discipline. Time outs, apologies, helping clean up a mess, etc. are all things that might feel "humiliating" but are necessary. They might be humiliated by an apology, but they need to learn humility... it's important.

Now, yelling at your kid in public, for something like grabbing food of the shelf of the grocery counter, no. I think you can quietly, privately address that issue. You can do it right where you are, but it doesn't have to be a public spectacle. Or something like asking your child to stand next to you and stop running around. It doesn't need to be hollered across Walmart... wait until they come close enough to hear you, deal with it privately between the two of you- and be done. Put them in the cart, demand that they hold on to it and walk politely beside you, etc... but it doesn't need to be a show-stopping, blow out event.

In fact, I can't STAND it when a mom yells so loudly at her kid, and sort of steals sideways glances at the people around her... like she's trying to "prove" she discilpines her kids properly. Like she WANTS an audience to hear her scold. When your discipline becomes about who is listening and "approving" instead of making your child understand what's going on, you're wrong.

I agree with you, MumaSue. I've had experience with this too with my biological father. He caused me to become so depressed that I was suicidal for years.

Love and logic teaches one to wait to execute punishment because you have a tendency to being angry and your punishment is not as effective if you were to think about what their consequence should be for each offense. This also makes the kids think more about what they did because they get nervous about what their consequence is going to be but they have to wait to get it. Also, sarcasm and humiliation is a major no-no when it comes to using love and logic. For the same reasons you have stated below and because it can cause children to become resentful and act out even more.

As for "they humiliated me so I get to humiliate them". These are children. They are learning how to control their emotions and outbursts and general rules. Their intention is not to humiliate their parents, I find it a little sad that there are parents that have intentions of humiliating their child. . .

Quoting MumaSue:

That can be the problem though, once the parent [mother in my case] gets used to doing it a few times, the stopping part can be hard to do. I don't disagree with telling a child "Watch your mouth" or "You know better than that" etc in public. I just disagree with humiliating a child in public.

Quoting atlmom2:

They key here is MOST. A few times is good. I am not scarred an neither are my grown DD's. If your parents did it constantly I can see it

Quoting MumaSue:

no it isn't ..... having been humiliated most of my childhood it made me very unsure of myself, no self worth and when it came to a guy forcing himself on me I had no confidence to even say no.

That's what humilation can do to a child.

Quoting atlmom2:

Sometimes for kids humiliation is a very good thing.

Whatever is age appropriate-and it depends on the kid, too.  My daughter was disciplined on the spot from the moment she was a toddler, so she rarely acted up in public by the time she was in kindergarten. 

My stepdaughter, however, was ten when I married her dad...so when she acted up in public (which pretty much happened whenever I took her out alone)  we would just stop what we were doing and I'd take her home--this went on for about a month before I said to hell with it...and for a while, if her dad didn't go with us on errands or trips,  she didn't go.  After six months of getting left behind on shopping trips, trips to the aquarium, the movies, the zoo...she straightened up.

May have seemed cruel to leave her behind, but if I didn't allow my 4 year old daughter to throw a tantrum in public, I damn sure wasn't gonna put up with it from a 10 year old who was more than old enough to know better.    I expected my 10 year old stepdaughter to behave as well as, if not BETTER, than my preschooler.  If she couldn't, then she didn't go with us.

 If my children need to be disciplined, they will be disciplined. Luckily, this rarely happens.

 First and foremost, I have always been told that a child needs to be corrected at the exact moment that they do something wrong. Since a child lives in the moment, it really doesn't work to try and correct them 2 hours after the incident happened. Even though they may remember doing wrong, they probably won't understand that the punishment/discipline action they are receiving is for what they did awhile ago. Because of this, my husband and I correct our 4 year old when the incident happens, no matter where we are.

But just because we discipline at the exact moment doesn't mean that we are not sensitive to our son's feelings. We have never humiliated or yelled at our son in public. There are many ways to discipline a child in public without being a spectacle. Disciplining your child in public does not automatically equate to humiliation for the child. It just depends on how it is done.

In our own home, we do the same thing. If our son does something wrong, we correct it right then and there. If we have guests, we discipline our son the same way that we would without guests being present.

I took my kid to the ladies room stall and beat his butt.  After that if he misbehaved I'd ask"Do we need to go to the ladies room" Reply:; NO mommy - case closed

You'd be surprised how much a child remembers. They are not animals and there is a lot of research about this in Love and Logic, which actually teaches you to wait to punish a child. A toddler, they might forget sooner but a 4 year old is old enough to wait for awhile before punishment is executed.

If it were true that children "forget" that they misbehaved than they would also "forget" why they were disciplined and continually repeat bad behavior again and again. But this is not the case and it's because children don't forget. They aren't animals, they are people and they have working and learning memories. Therefore, it matters very little when the discipline is executed when a public incident like a store occurs. They will remember why they are being disciplined when you get home and you will be communicating with them while you discipline to "remind" them anyway, but they haven't forgotten. Anyway, that's what love and logic teaches and schools and parents are raving about how effective it is once you start using it and sticking to it.

Quoting ---terrah---:

 First and foremost, I have always been told that a child needs to be corrected at the exact moment that they do something wrong. Since a child lives in the moment, it really doesn't work to try and correct them 2 hours after the incident happened. Even though they may remember doing wrong, they probably won't understand that the punishment/discipline action they are receiving is for what they did awhile ago. Because of this, my husband and I correct our 4 year old when the incident happens, no matter where we are.

But just because we discipline at the exact moment doesn't mean that we are not sensitive to our son's feelings. We have never humiliated or yelled at our son in public. There are many ways to discipline a child in public without being a spectacle. Disciplining your child in public does not automatically equate to humiliation for the child. It just depends on how it is done.

In our own home, we do the same thing. If our son does something wrong, we correct it right then and there. If we have guests, we discipline our son the same way that we would without guests being present.

Where was this "huniliation thing" when I was growing up??  I got disciplined regardless of where it was, who we were with an what the situation was about!!!!  My mom used to use her hand, wooden spoon an belt.  My GRANDMOTHER USED a wooden cheeseboard.  Where was child abuse back then?  Corporal punishment according to the Child Abuse Management team states that as long as a person uses ONLY THEIR OPEN HAND, it isn't considered abuse!  So, in todays generation, what good is a crack on the ass if everyone who sees it is going to yell 'CHILD ABUSER'.